We’re 11 days into 2025 and to be honest, it’s going better than I’m used to. I think the main game changer was my decision to forego the chance to watch Seventeen’s concert next week here in Bulacan. So that basically saved me 40k in an instant, less all other miscellaneous expenses because that’s just the tickets. Gahd, the moment I typed the last sentence, I suddenly wondered how was I able to get through the past concerts with NOTHING at all? I mean, all expenses back then were abrupt, unplanned, and not in the budget. HOW TF WAS I ABLE TO MANAGE?

I realized in an instant that it’s through debts. And to be honest, I’m starting to learn how to manage my finances. And I guess that the first step was sticking to my priorities. Seventeen is VITAL to my mental health, but so is my desire to step foot in South Korea on November. (Although I’m still praying that Kuya Mike and Kuya Don will surprise us with free tickets, I’m gonna need my showmoney for the visa application so, yep, hello, we need to save!)

So basically, that’s my priority. Plus the medical expenses of my parents and the household stuff I need to pay for… 

The first thing I did was debt consolidation. Driven by the dire need, I decided to avail of Eastwest’s InstaCash promo and loaned a total of 185k before the year ended. As I didn’t have a choice, I chose a 5-year installment plan. The interest’s higher when you compute, but atleast the monthly amount is manageable. 

From that money, I decided to pay off my Unionbank credit card debt and Ate Julie. I was also able to update my payments in Eastwest as well so it doesn’t incur penalties and interests. And I have money to use during emergencies. I have so much debt left though but I’m working on it. I’m making sure I’ll triumph over these debts this year. 

To be honest, this is not easy. It takes lots of sacrifices - the Seventeen concert topping the list of course. I have to let go of a lot of things and stay away from my comfort zone most of the time. What helps me to stick to this resolve is tracking my finances. I was doing it so wrong in the past that I couldn’t stick to it. So thank God, I’ve finally learned the strategy that works best with me.

What I did was just to record my income and expenses and decided not to worry about how much I have. Because it is way easier to check if I’m spending more than what I’m earning/receiving, than keeping track of how much is in my wallet everyday. I realized I’m not a bank. I’m a person who’s trying to handle my finances properly. I don’t need to do accounting entries everyday - because besides the fact that I don’t know how to do it, I’m really often lazy to do it.

Now, here’s the catch: my salary is never enough. So to help at least with my daily expenses or my parents’ medicines, I decided to sell paruso and other bread products of Emong’s and Alicia’s Bakeries. Many people from my town missed it so much so I took advantage of it, highlighted the provenance of these delicious breads, and sold it to everyone. I’m not earning so much but at least, it gives me a few hundreds every week. My capital peaked at almost 6k last holiday season so I guess it’s really making a comeback now. 

Honestly, I am planning to revive the bakery in Meycauayan after the house has been renovated. I shifted to Kuya Rico as my architect (with Chris’ permission!) and we’re planning to start the construction at least by mid-February. This is another challenge, of course, because it was totally difficult to stick to your budget once the work begins. But I know God will provide. I know God will finally allow this for us.

This little bit of freedom for financial worries somehow lessens my stress, to be honest. There are lots of times when I thought that money is really my number one stressor, mainly because my parents are both senior citizens and their insurance is nearing its expiration. And that’s basically my biggest motivation to stick to this. I need to have enough money to support their finances when I’m practically on my own in two years. I need a fallback and the bakery is my plan A.

Right now, I’m feeling positive on what this year’s gonna give us all. Maybe this is what happens when you stopped stressing yourself about what’s the future instead of focusing on the present. Whew. I guess I finally learned my lesson. Thank God.

What’s next? I have to learn how to prioritize finishing my deadlines. I have a lot of things to do for Leo and Quico Vecin so I might as well focus on that too.

But one step at a time… one step at a time. :)

Exciting Year Ahead

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  Angel Aguilar

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A few weeks ago, we were told that there is a possibility that our unit will be merged with another dahil as the boss apparently said, “wala namang ginagawa `yang mga `yan.” And did it hurt? No. But did it annoy us? Terribly.

Of course, I can always choose to let it go. But I decided to take it personally because it challenges one major principle which I’ve long been holding onto: Productivity does not always equate to being seen as busy.

Okay, just a short story: People, in real life, knows how my leadership style is. While I am a professional yapper most times, I have often received feedback about how I just let my colleagues do their own thing to achieve the goals we set together. My style is I just lay out the plans, tell everyone what I want to happen, and then let them all take the wheel. And then, I’ll just be out there monitoring from time to time, making sure no one’s going astray and then throw out advices here and there.

You see, we were not given the most intelligent brains out of all creations for nothing. Human beings are born to think; and for us, who chose to stand as leaders, we are given the responsibility to hone and allow our fellow thinkers to be able to do so. This way, we can eradicate laziness and slacking - because trust me, in my years of leading volunteers, this is how I managed to encourage them to perform and commit even without getting paid.

Now, do I set a timeline? Yes! We all have deadlines. The pressure will always be there. But as I’ve said, if you allow people to think and do things the way they do; as long as they get things done, how they are seen during work hours should not matter. If my teammates prefer to act on the tasks at once and complete it earlier than expected, thank you! But if they prefer to cram and work on things last minute, as long as the deadline’s met, then so be it!

Many traditional leaders would think that this could encourage laziness, but honestly, this works well because I understand that it’s not all the time that people’s mind work at its best. We all have moments. We all have our downtime - and as a leader, I know fully well that I have to respect that. 

If the teammate eventually turns lazy and a task gets compromised, then that’s the time that I have to step up. After all, I’m the leader. I should know what to do in case things go south, and in fact, I should know even before things fall apart.

Going back… I’m not saying I am better than the boss who apparently accused us for doing nothing. It’s just that I cannot help but establish a point of comparison because I don’t feel like we were given a fair assessment, especially that for the past months, we had to settle things for the company on our own because we were left to fend for ourselves alone. 

As indignant as I felt, I still tried to look back to somehow try to understand where that kind of feedback came from. And looking at us from a bird’s eye view, yes, we can easily be misconstrued as slacking. We often go out for lunch, never had a dull moment, and are performing on other co-curricular activities for the company. So yes, it’s easy to judge and assume that we’re really not doing anythingwhen at work.

The thing is… it only means one thing to me: The boss (and all the other people who think the same) just does not understand the nature of our job. And as someone who should be on top of everything, that is saying something. 

This is not about defending our unit. This is more like expressing my realizations that there are still a lot of supposed leaders in the corporate world who think that productivity always equates to being seen as busy. To be honest, I don’t see them a leaders at all. They’re just that - bosses. 

It’s not our fault that we were a bunch of efficient office workers. It’s not our fault that we were trained well to complete tasks within the day. And it’s completely and downright unfair when we are judged of not doing anything when our jobs are totally dependent on our counterparts.

But are we slacking? No. We have side tasks, of course. In fact, we’re using this downtime to iron a lot of things out for the company. So to say we’re doing nothing basically raises a bigger question: Why doesn’t he know what his team’s up to? A leader should be on top of everything, right? Why isn’t he?

It’s 2025 soon and maybe I’ll carry this annoyance to the next year as a motivation to maybe, be a little louder with what we do. Maybe that’s the problem from our side - we tend to work things on our own and just keep people updated via emails and meetings. So I realized that maybe it’s time to put myself more out there and you know, present bigger evidences that we are indeed working. 

This is me being petty, I think, but I consider it necessary already. After all, a leader should know how to adjust - and yes, this is me promising to do just that.

How Do You Define Productivity?

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• by Angel Aguilar
  Angel Aguilar

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Kung may award ang pagiging reklamador, siguradong may Latin honor ako. Siguro dahil meron akong chronic fatigue (salamat, PCOS!) o baka dahil talagang mentally exhausted na ko, ayoko nang sumubok ng bago. Ayaw ko nang lumabas sa comfort zone ko at magsimula from scratch. Nakakatakot eh. What if hindi mag-work?

Ito yung mga tanong ko kung bakit hindi ako makapag-resign. Actually, nakakatawa nga, kasi when I revived this blog, I came across old posts wherein sobrang attached ako sa company ko. Well, in a way, attached pa rin naman ako ngayon. It’s just that recently, I realized that if I can find a stable and sure way out? I’ll do it in a heartbeat.

Why? That’s for another post.

Because for this entry, I want to talk about the fear of starting again.

Being someone who is never fond of surprises and generally, the unknown, mentally and emotionally taxing sa akin yung iisipin ko pa lang na magsisimula ako ulit. Kung aalis ako sa trabaho ko, I’ll have to go back to zero, build new relationships, and adjust to new sets of custom which may or may not be different from what I’m used to. Siguro ganon ako katamad? Pero I take it like it’s exhausting to, you know, invest again on new things kasi andon yung takot na pano kung hindi mag-work? Pano kung hindi ko magustuhan? Pano kung hindi AKO magustuhan? 

For someone who couldn’t even envision her future, ang galing ko mag-assume. Sobrang pessimism, actually, pero ayoko kasing isugal ang peace of mind ko.

But the thing is… if I continue to stay, am I assured of the peace of mind I long for? Kung manatili ba ako, makukuha ko ba eventually yung mga pinapangarap kong makuha dito? At this point, all answers are leaning more to “No” kaya nga buhay na buhay yung mga inhibitions ko. Masyado na kaseng nangyayaring hindi aligned sa mga napakatayog kong prinsipyo sa buhay, and it affects my performance and overall mental health if I continue to tolerate things that are against whatever I believe in.

Pero sabi nga, hindi naman ganon kadali na pakawalan ang mga bagay-bagay. I’ve been with the company for ten years in February and I’m left with two years worth of health insurance for my mom and dad. Sila lang kasi ang nagbibigay ng hanggang 75 years old and both my parents are 74 this year. So may konting benefits pa na need kong i-maximize.

But time flies. Kaya as early as now, sine-set ko na yung isip ko na in two years, I’m 37 y/o, I’ve got to go back to the wild and venture out on a different, and hopefully, a better adventure. Matinding mind conditioning kasi ang kailangan para hindi ako matakot. And maraming prayers and preparations para if I decided to put myself out there, may mga gusto pa ring kumuha sa akin.

Sabi nga sa picture na nakita ko, “It’s not hard, it’s just new”. Two years kong itatanim sa utak ko ‘yan na mapag-aaralan ko naman lahat. Ito ngang sa bangko, natutunan ko kahit wala akong kahit anong background sa numbers eh. Ngayon pa kaya na may 10-yr worth of experience na ko sa banking field?

It’s Not Hard, It’s Just New

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When I had my one-on-one conversation with my boss, she asked me how I was at first. It was almost December then, and I was nowhere near okay. Naturally and embarassingly, my defenses crumbled down and I just cried in the middle of that busy coffeeshop.

I told her my story, what I’m going through. The hopelessness was evident but it made itself more felt when my boss asked how do I see myself in the future. Fo someone who always has an answer to every question and being so good with predicting what is going to happen next (thanks to my being so empathic) I was - for once - speechless.

I cannot see my future.

I cannot even attempt to envision one.

The sad thing about not having a vision of your future is the fact that that means you’re stuck in your past and present. So when I say I’m busy to think about what’s gonna happen next, it’s not on a superficial and cloutchasing level like office works or household chores. I am busy fighting and surviving today, so I can atleast have a chance on tomorrow.

It’s where the exhaustion comes from. People like me, we are not given a choice. We are instead given tasks which we have to complete. Else, it’ll be over for us and our families. We are never free because we cannot just think about ourselves. Our thoughts will always have to include other people who depend on us, who always hav to survive with us.

The heavy weight we carry is so depleting, that we no longer have the ability to see past through it. Believing that I have a future feels like a luxury I cannot afford at all.

But as I reset and refocus I realized that I actually can think of my future. I can dream. I can design it the way I want to… But for the longest time, I’ve been choosing not to.

Because I am afraid of getting disappointed.

Lifehas been throwing me under the bus for all of my life that I lost hope on it.My automati thought will always be “Why draem when I’ll get fucked up anyway?” I got so used to disappointments that I’d rather expect the negatives than pray for a positive outcome. It’s always what happens anyway, what makes me think I’ll get lucky this time?

It sucks to realize that it’s me who’s stopping my own self to dream. But it suchs more when I am easily overpowered by a premature conclusion that nothing’s gonna change.

But then it’s turning 2025 in a few days. Let’s see what the next year will bring.

Lost Will

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• by Angel Aguilar
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