Kung may award ang pagiging reklamador, siguradong may Latin honor ako. Siguro dahil meron akong chronic fatigue (salamat, PCOS!) o baka dahil talagang mentally exhausted na ko, ayoko nang sumubok ng bago. Ayaw ko nang lumabas sa comfort zone ko at magsimula from scratch. Nakakatakot eh. What if hindi mag-work?
Ito yung mga tanong ko kung bakit hindi ako makapag-resign. Actually, nakakatawa nga, kasi when I revived this blog, I came across old posts wherein sobrang attached ako sa company ko. Well, in a way, attached pa rin naman ako ngayon. It’s just that recently, I realized that if I can find a stable and sure way out? I’ll do it in a heartbeat.
Why? That’s for another post.
Because for this entry, I want to talk about the fear of starting again.
Being someone who is never fond of surprises and generally, the unknown, mentally and emotionally taxing sa akin yung iisipin ko pa lang na magsisimula ako ulit. Kung aalis ako sa trabaho ko, I’ll have to go back to zero, build new relationships, and adjust to new sets of custom which may or may not be different from what I’m used to. Siguro ganon ako katamad? Pero I take it like it’s exhausting to, you know, invest again on new things kasi andon yung takot na pano kung hindi mag-work? Pano kung hindi ko magustuhan? Pano kung hindi AKO magustuhan?
For someone who couldn’t even envision her future, ang galing ko mag-assume. Sobrang pessimism, actually, pero ayoko kasing isugal ang peace of mind ko.
But the thing is… if I continue to stay, am I assured of the peace of mind I long for? Kung manatili ba ako, makukuha ko ba eventually yung mga pinapangarap kong makuha dito? At this point, all answers are leaning more to “No” kaya nga buhay na buhay yung mga inhibitions ko. Masyado na kaseng nangyayaring hindi aligned sa mga napakatayog kong prinsipyo sa buhay, and it affects my performance and overall mental health if I continue to tolerate things that are against whatever I believe in.
Pero sabi nga, hindi naman ganon kadali na pakawalan ang mga bagay-bagay. I’ve been with the company for ten years in February and I’m left with two years worth of health insurance for my mom and dad. Sila lang kasi ang nagbibigay ng hanggang 75 years old and both my parents are 74 this year. So may konting benefits pa na need kong i-maximize.
But time flies. Kaya as early as now, sine-set ko na yung isip ko na in two years, I’m 37 y/o, I’ve got to go back to the wild and venture out on a different, and hopefully, a better adventure. Matinding mind conditioning kasi ang kailangan para hindi ako matakot. And maraming prayers and preparations para if I decided to put myself out there, may mga gusto pa ring kumuha sa akin.
Sabi nga sa picture na nakita ko, “It’s not hard, it’s just new”. Two years kong itatanim sa utak ko ‘yan na mapag-aaralan ko naman lahat. Ito ngang sa bangko, natutunan ko kahit wala akong kahit anong background sa numbers eh. Ngayon pa kaya na may 10-yr worth of experience na ko sa banking field?
