Post Christmas Drama Because No One Wanted to Listen

It was Christmas yesterday and as much as I want to talk about whatever I feel, how harsh fate had decided to be to me on that one special day, I couldn't. I couldn't fucking find the courage to talk about what I'm going through because I know that no one would bother to care. No one would actually listen without teasing me, without thinking that I'm just overreacting and without telling me that it's my entire fault for being stupid and assuming.

Believe me, I tried. I expressed myself on my Facebook account and Twitter but no one bothered to pay attention. Should I even try to tell people in person whatever I feel? No. I wouldn't want that. If they didn't bother to pay attention to what I'm saying on my private accounts, then why would they bother when I say it in person?

Besides, I don't think I'm really brave enough to admit not just to them, but also to myself that I am not okay - that I fucking want to cry and die right now because the pain is totally eating me up alive.

Fuck.

This feels like I've gone back to 2006 when I first learned that my almost boyfriend had gotten back with his ex-girlfriend. That was the biggest horror in my life, the one that triggered my fear. And then when I was starting to open up (after 8 fucking years), it haunted me again.

And you know what  made it worse? It had proven me once more how much of a loser I am. All these years, I've been trying to develop myself into someone people can be proud of, someone he can accept; but I guess, I'm just no one. I'll always be no one but that one girl who will always settle to the last position; that one desperate girl who will always say okay to all plans because her inner thoughts would always say 'being the last is better than being nothing at all.'

I guess I've gotten used to being rejected and put on the pitiful state already that I've realized why it's hurting a lot. It's no longer just because I'm jealous. It has turned into a more personal level. I am fucking in distraught because I am envious. I can't understand why others can get that one thing I've longed for for a long time while I couldn't find my own happy ending. I hate it that no one could accept me for who I am because Iam always that one girl who they can't see in a romantic light. I hate it that I'm always that girl who they can easily set aside for more important meetings with people they can actually see themselves together with.  I hate it how I'm always that girl they see as a either one of the boys or one of the guys that they don't see anymore that I am still a woman. I hate it that they think I'm so independent that they don't bother protecting me anymore. I hate it that they think I don't need any comfort when I badly need even just one person to tell me that it's okay not to be okay.  

I want someone not to  provide for me and ni buy me gifts. I just want someone to listen to my rants and still think I'm not a shameful person they cannot let others see them with.
I


I am scared of what I will be in the future. Because even though I always look fierce and very very negative about the idea of love, I still want someone to prove to me that I still can love and that someone can still love me in return.