People who knew me personally would know what kind of a slouch I had been during the past holiday season. I didn't meet up with other friends. I didn't even send greetings to many. I refused to open up my circle like how I always did. I left behind ALL my responsibilities to escape. I was a total drag that I even forgot who I am and most importantly, what I am.
Serious things happened and I was brought down to my knees. I felt like every waking hour was killing me, as my thoughts went on rampage thinking about what could have been, and what I should and shouldn't have done. The what-if's brought me to distraught. Issues about family, work, church and personal life took its toll on me. And being the weak person I was, I found myself suffering from severe depression and anxiety.
What transpired during the past month was something I wish I could just erase from my memory and the memories of the people I've hurt in the process. I turned into a monster we were all escaping from. I turned into someone even I, myself, don't know. It was horrible: being in a place I called home and being with people I treated like family, yet feeling so all alone.
To summarize, I scared people away.
It will be a disgrace to admit this but I actually tried killing myself. At first, it was just a process of self-mutilation, with my mind justifying that I just wanted to divert the pain my heart was feeling to a physical pain brought by the wounds I have inflicted on my wrist. It wasn't the first time I did it. But during the past month, I have actually considered doing it. I have thought of the possibilities, the repercussions, and I knew... I knew that if there was what I was looking for that night of January 1st, I could have ended everything.
Knowing I didn't have that and being a normally slacking person to buy, I couldn't kill myself. It was a shame as that could have been the last decision I could make and I chose to be lazy. Hah.
But thank God.
.
,
.
God....
Pondering on what really happened and connecting them to everything that transpired in the past, I have concluded that everything was a wake up call. Since November, God has been knocking on the door of my heart but even though I was serving in the church, I wasn't letting Him in.
To say it shortly, I forgot about God. I have turned into the person I abhor: a person who didn't know what she is serving for. I should have known. I should have understood. Had I did, things wouldn't have been this serious. If I only listened to His calls, I wouldn't have gotten lost.
Admitting to myself that I have wronged my Savior is worse than admitting that I tried committing suicide. For 13 years, I have held on to my faith and it was a very embarrassing thing to realize that one mistake had pulled me out of it.
.
.
.
When I was in the dark, I was told by a friend that in order to cope up, I need to find that one goal in life. I need to find what I really wanted, what my heart truly desires, and what I really need.
Because often, these three come in contrast.
But I knew my answers.
What I wanted: to get back on track with my best friend.
What I truly desire: to forgive myself for all the things I have done and for all the things the world did.
What I really need: God.
From this point on, it was like I've gone back to step one. My relationships with the people I love most was damaged and I just need to heal all wounds again. Right now, I've talked to my best friend and we've come to terms not to ever bring the issue up again. I haven't talked to the other two but I'm pretty certain we'll be fine. I just need to give them time and prove to them that I am indeed willing to change.
Because I have found my way back home now.
And this time, I'm no longer leaving.
