Lord, I'm Sorry

It's been, what? Four months?

Four torturous months I have indulged myself in. Four long months I have wasted my life thinking I'm the only one hurting. Four long months I have just watched blindly how my world repeatedly crashed. Four months I have let myself be wallowed by self-pity because I was left alone, left behind, forgotten and set aside.

But now, I just want to say sorry, Lord. In the process of wanting to find myself, of trying to please others, I have forgotten You. I have set You aside. I have done to you what I believed was done to me.

I missed You. I missed what I was. I missed everything we all were, for You, in You. I missed what You were able to turn us to: carefree, united, one.

A lot of words had been said - both painful and vindicating. But I have chosen to listen to what will hurt me. And now, I have pushed not just the people I love most but also You. It was a choice of someone who got terribly hurt, but it was a mistake just the same.

I shouldn't have done what I did. I should have acted better. I should have picked up a better outlet. I should not have.. I should not have fallen in love.

Truth is: I could say it's not a choice. You just feel that. But it had gotten destructive that it destroyed me, it destroyed us, it destroyed whatever I once was to You.

Because of the pain, I couldn't forgive. I kept on saying I'm okay when I'm not. I kept being a burden to people who just want me to be fine. And right now, I regret everything. I regret everything I have said, I have done, I have felt.

Because I had a choice, yet I didn't choose it.

I know I'm not the only who has a mistake here, but the bigger share is mine. And all I want now is to correct everything and turn things back to normal.

Because the people around me don't deserve it. Because as Your daughter who you love so well, I don't deserve this as well.

Acceptance is the most painful part, but I know now what to do. And thank You, thank You for reminding me that You are just one call away and that You never left.