Sunday, October 26, 2014

There are a lot of things going on but one thing's for sure, my capability to multi-task is once again being tested. After being told to organize the program and invitation for the upcoming Christ the King Celebration on November 23rd, I was also informed just this evening that I need to submit the drafts for the designs of the parish calendar for 2015.

Insert in between the different responsibilities on my business and sidelines. This is going to be a hectic month-end, for sure.

Geez. I feel so down though. I think it's mainly because I was at the church but I didn't hear mass. It was pathetic, I admit; but... okay, I've got no reason. I was just a lazy asshole earlier this evening that I didn't give into conscience when it was bugging me to attend the liturgical ceremony.

...

I'm in front of my PC, typing this entry instead of thinking about the design. Deadline's in a week. GOOD FUCKING LUCK.

Panic State #12351234172938571298376081234

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Just this morning, I woke up to a Facebook post of a friend announcing the death of one of her puppies, Chewy. Apparently, he drowned in the pool last night and the caretaker failed to notice him. I know that little bundle of joy, he's that one puppy who kept on trying to climb the steps into the house - sniffing the food we were cooking in the process. 

photo from Celine
The thought saddened me. I'm sure I'm gonna miss him in a way or another, especially when we visit to swim. But what aggravated me more was he reminded me of Luhan, my puppy who died because of distemper when he was still 4 months old too. 

Geez. I'm tearing up!



***



Nowadays, I have noticed the lack of interest of many people towards animals. In videos and even in actual social settings, I see people mistreating these friends and I just can't help but feel bothered and sad. Being indifferent towards animals is one thing, hurting them is another. I cannot tolerate both.

My blood boils at the thought that people abuse their superiority over animals to the extent that they think they own these furry friends' lives. They dictate these pets' fates, making fun of their existence, abusing their weaknesses. People humiliate animals, believing that they're just animals; and that hurts.

When I was in high school, we were taught that God had created humans in His own image and likeness. A given fact, yes. But along with that privilege, we were given the title of 'stewards of His creation'. That means as we were given lives, the lives of others below us are entrusted to our care. Meaning, we have the responsibility to take care of all His creations, and that include animals.

I've seen cats being thrown whatever just because they were there. I've seen dogs being slaughtered because some drunkards do not have something to eat during their drinking session. I've seen dogs tied outside the house during heavy rains. I've seen coaches indifferently hitting the dead-tired horses pulling their carriages just because they're not moving fast enough. I've seen carabaos pulling a freaking house; puppies in cages carried by their sellers like they won't get dizzy; and many others. 

During those times, I can't help but curse myself for being so weak. All I could stand up for was the cat thrown whatever. And doing so didn't even make sense because I wasn't able to stop the people doing so. 

And you know what hurts more? It's not the fact that these animals are powerless. It's the fact that they still try to find affection, love and care from people, despite the harsh treatments. They go back to people who abuse them not because they have nowhere else to go, but because it's their nature to be loyal to their masters. Funny, right? Animals are sometimes more human than humans. Sometimes, I wish we would all switch positions.

Sigh.
Maybe I'm just soft-hearted towards the weak. 
Maybe, I just understand that how we treat animals defines who we are as a person.
Or maybe, I'm both.



"Not to hurt the creatures brethren is our first duty to them, but to stop there is not enough.
We have a higher mission - to be of service to them wherever they require it."
- St. Francis of Assisi












The Article about Animals I've Long Wanted to Write.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Sooooo I've gone back to dieting. After going through limitless stress due to the church events and projects we did in the past few months, I gained back the pounds I lost and it even increased so I'm feeling a little depressed because of it right now, because dude, that's another hell to go through. :/

The motivation is the problem but I have decided to start again today. I got an oatmeal cookie for breakfast, a cup of rice and a few grams of boiled fish for lunch, and nothing for dinner. Although I ate spaghetti for snacks so I guess I've gone beyond the prescribed calorie intake today and that means, I failed the first day. LOL

But at least, I have started again, right?

In everything, starting is always the most difficult part. To convince yourself to do something you're never comfortable with is always so painstaking and annoying, but you just got to go on with it. Because once you've passed that stage, the succeeding challenges will be easier. Still challenging, but easier.

To keep me focused, there's only one thing I instilled in my mind: When you feel like you just want to give up, remember why you started. That's from Kai of EXO and it's just the best thing to think of whenever I feel like cheating on this diet and you know, giving up.

But why did I start?

Because I want to look good and feel good. I have nothing against people who promote the ideal that we are beautiful no matter how our bodies look like. I support that. But the problem is, I am not comfortable with this type of body. I am not really this fat. I have lived for a long time wearing what I want, showing skin, being myself. I hate it that I am no longer who I am before because I am fat. Although social acceptance does play a significant part, it's more of a self-issue which I want to resolve.

I am going on a diet because I'm no longer healthy. I cannot function properly. I can't even dance, for God's sake. Half of my clumsiness can be attributed to the fact that I can't carry myself well because of my weight. I am freaking 165 pounds, and I'm just 5'5, so that's clearly overweight.

And I hate it.

Being this fat made me lose my self-confidence and I want to gain that back by going on a diet. Although the definition of beauty shouldn't be based on how you look physically, it is a great contributing factor and so I need to work on that. People don't immediately judge your qualities because that's not always readily available for them to see. They depend on their first impression which is greatly dependent on how I look. Remember, people don't explore what they don't find attractive. And me being fat - having all my confidence taken away - is certainly not.

Shallow reason? No, I don't think so. It's just a matter of preferences. I want to pave way to my self-expression through clothes. I want to be noticed too. I want to be called 'beautiful' again. It's not because I long for social approval. It's because I want to earn the approval of my own self.

So let's go back to dieting. :) Wish me luck!

Back to the Game

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The year 2014 was supposed to be fun, exciting,  interesting and all. And actually, it is. However, it leans more to the interesting side because this year seems like a healing year to me. Yes,  healing. It feels like God had decided to recreate me and I haven't got a choice but to concede.

Kris and Luhan left EXO. Baekhyun announced his relationship. I lost my job on my birthday. Now, sungmin is getting married.

More than seeing these things in a negative light, I have come to realize that this is His way of cleaning me, of preparing me for what is about to come. I feel like He took away these things because He wanted my hands emptied so I could receive more.

If that won't console anyone, I don't know what would.

It hurts being away from the things you're used to. The job that fed my family and supplied our financial need and the inspirations that keep me going on with life - when I lost them all, I felt like giving up. I cried. I bawled. I got into depression.

But I have learned to trust God more and more. Now, I have understood the importance of other things than the ones I lost. Now, I have realized that happiness does not rely on my choices but God's for me.

2014 is yet to end...  Sigh.

God's Plans...