Friday, December 26, 2014

It was Christmas yesterday and as much as I want to talk about whatever I feel, how harsh fate had decided to be to me on that one special day, I couldn't. I couldn't fucking find the courage to talk about what I'm going through because I know that no one would bother to care. No one would actually listen without teasing me, without thinking that I'm just overreacting and without telling me that it's my entire fault for being stupid and assuming.

Believe me, I tried. I expressed myself on my Facebook account and Twitter but no one bothered to pay attention. Should I even try to tell people in person whatever I feel? No. I wouldn't want that. If they didn't bother to pay attention to what I'm saying on my private accounts, then why would they bother when I say it in person?

Besides, I don't think I'm really brave enough to admit not just to them, but also to myself that I am not okay - that I fucking want to cry and die right now because the pain is totally eating me up alive.

Fuck.

This feels like I've gone back to 2006 when I first learned that my almost boyfriend had gotten back with his ex-girlfriend. That was the biggest horror in my life, the one that triggered my fear. And then when I was starting to open up (after 8 fucking years), it haunted me again.

And you know what  made it worse? It had proven me once more how much of a loser I am. All these years, I've been trying to develop myself into someone people can be proud of, someone he can accept; but I guess, I'm just no one. I'll always be no one but that one girl who will always settle to the last position; that one desperate girl who will always say okay to all plans because her inner thoughts would always say 'being the last is better than being nothing at all.'

I guess I've gotten used to being rejected and put on the pitiful state already that I've realized why it's hurting a lot. It's no longer just because I'm jealous. It has turned into a more personal level. I am fucking in distraught because I am envious. I can't understand why others can get that one thing I've longed for for a long time while I couldn't find my own happy ending. I hate it that no one could accept me for who I am because Iam always that one girl who they can't see in a romantic light. I hate it that I'm always that girl who they can easily set aside for more important meetings with people they can actually see themselves together with.  I hate it how I'm always that girl they see as a either one of the boys or one of the guys that they don't see anymore that I am still a woman. I hate it that they think I'm so independent that they don't bother protecting me anymore. I hate it that they think I don't need any comfort when I badly need even just one person to tell me that it's okay not to be okay.  

I want someone not to  provide for me and ni buy me gifts. I just want someone to listen to my rants and still think I'm not a shameful person they cannot let others see them with.
I


I am scared of what I will be in the future. Because even though I always look fierce and very very negative about the idea of love, I still want someone to prove to me that I still can love and that someone can still love me in return.

Post Christmas Drama Because No One Wanted to Listen

Saturday, December 20, 2014

I’m about to admit something that sucks, something that I’ve been trying to really avoid and take no notice of. I could have just disregard it but it’s giving me too much burden so though I really don’t want to say it, I guess I really have to: I’m lonely. I’m depressed. And right now, I really want someone to hug me and tell me without words that I am wanted.

Loneliness is one of the worst parts of my being human. Despite my tough facade, I am a sensitive person who’s easily hurt by thoughtless comments and jokes. I am nowhere near strong. Although I pretend not to care, it kills me when I feel rejected by people I want to be close with, people who I wanted to be parts of my small and narrow world.

Not all my smiles are authentic. I guess I’ve been used to pretending that even I, myself, gets convinced sometimes that I’m truthfully happy even when I know deep down that I’m not. I’ve gotten used to making myself believe that everything’s okay even though nothing seems going my way, because I have no choice but to do so. It’s the only thing I can do, especially when I see myself trapped between two options that will both hurt me in the end.

Many people think that I’m just looking for attention, but who doesn’t need it? Who doesn’t want to feel wanted? Who doesn’t want to feel appreciated? There are different kinds of appreciation. I want the genuine one, from someone who can accept me unconditionally.

It’s hard to tolerate me. I’m not that woman who’s easy to handle. I am hard-headed, driven by stiff principles and that desire to always be different. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to feel like worth the effort and patience. All this time, it’s me who’s me who has been trying to please others just so I’ll be liked. In every compromise, I always receive the lesser part. I am always the one who forces herself to understand the situation.

For several times, I tried to be selfish - you know, try to do things the way I want to. But nothing worked out. In the end, it led me to my defeat, my doom. Funny how I couldn’t win at anything. How unlucky must I be?

Sometimes, I wonder what’s wrong. Often, I try to blame others for not understanding me. But as I ponder on it more, I realize that it all begins on the fact that I’m not good enough, that I can never be good enough. Because I don’t learn. Because I keep on looking for things the world insists I don’t deserve. Because I keep on wanting for things that’s not for me.

I just want to be like other girls. I just want someone to pay attention to the fact that I’m not strong and that I need someone to depend on, especially at times like now. I just want someone to believe that even though I’m not beautiful, I’m worth it.
Of course, I have friends. But there are emotions having friends cannot make me feel. And for once, I just want to experience that. 



Because no matter how many times I say I can live alone, God knows I cannot. 

Monday, December 8, 2014



For many of my camarero friends, a grand event to look forward to is the Grand Marian Procession in Intramuros, Manila. Happening every first Sunday of December, it is considered the mother of all of its kind in the country. Yearly, hundreds of Marian images are processioned around the city within the walls, in honor of the Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception - some even come from provinces.

It had been running for 35 years already and only now was I able to attend this prestigious gathering.
Despite the threat of Typhoon Ruby, I went there with Celine, Tina, and the altar servers of our parish. Honestly, I just went there in support to Louie and Frank who were in charge of the floral arrangement for the carosa  of Nuestra Señora, Estrella del Mar, (Pacheco-Estrella Family from Bagbaguin, Meycauayan City). Plus, I just wanted to take pictures.

But as soon as I got there, I knew I was in for something greater.


The IGMP Experience of A First Timer

Monday, December 1, 2014

"May nagbabantay sa`yong puting duwende."

The first time I heard this, I was in Grade 1. Mom told her friend (my then-teacher/librarian, RIP) that I've been taking care of a budding duhat plant in our garden. It was a typical conversation between two mothers about their kids until the fact that I am always transferring the plant to different spots yet it wouldn't die. Tita Glo then told my mom that that's because someone is guiding over me, protecting that plant that I learned to love so much - a white dwarf.

Mom told me about it. I remembered I got crept out. No one as coward as I am would want to be told that she has an unseen creature following her around, right? But Tita Glo assured us that the dwarf is nice, and that it's acting like a guardian angel to me so I need not to be afraid. That comforted me a bit perhaps, thinking that the thought was pushed behind my mind after then. Or maybe, I didn't just believe. I didn't hear about it anymore.

Until after almost two decades. 

It was a few months ago when I met Kuya Abner, a DCY officer from Angat who's working at the Diocese of Malolos, who told me all of a sudden that there's a white dwarf guiding me. It's very, very easy to say how I was so astounded because I couldn't even remember then when I last heard that. Sad to say, our busy schedules interrupted us and our conversation had to wait until last Saturday.

After his talk on VCY Meycauayan's BIG DAY, I finally asked him about it. He told me that a white dwarf is nice, very generous even. It is guiding me through my endeavors and that is why whenever I want something so bad, I end up getting it - because the dwarf is helping me. 

The only problem is my natural hostility towards a lot of things. The dwarf often tends to be the victim of my rugged attitude so Kuya Abner told me that I should be more wary about how I treat it. Although it had stuck with me since I was a child, I shouldn't still be taking it for granted.

Real talk. Lately, I've been pondering about how hostile I am. I don't like mingling with strangers. I don't like dealing with people. I want to lock my own world, allowing in only those people I like. But I guess I should now be more wary of what I do. Otherwise, I might be doing it to my dwarf again without knowing it.

This does lean towards favoritism, come to think of it. I might be tagged selfish going through this change in attitude just because I don't want my guide to leave. But then, there are things that start in the negative light. And then it grows to become something nice and good.

I might now want to meet my dwarf in person because of this pre-conceived notion about how they look like. But I want it to feel appreciated. I want it to know that I am thankful. And if I wasn't able to express it during my childhood days, I will now.



I hope I get to hear about my guardian angel too. :)


Ang Puting Duwende

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