Wednesday, August 19, 2015

It has been long since I posted an entry on this blog. Work and real life caught me off guard that I couldn't even organize my thoughts to come up with a decent article. Responsibilities had taken its toll that whenever I get home, I just want to lay down on my bed and sleep the remaining hours of the night away.

But things happened and I just need to pour out my overwhelming gratitude. There are these overflowing emotions inside me which I just want to share with everyone. It may come off a little as a surprise but after years of striving hard to move on and let go, I think I am finally learning how. Truthfully.

Because after several years of trying to stay away from Cupid, I think I'm now re-learning the joy of falling in love.

After that one man, I thought I wouldn't find anyone else who could control me. I thought there would be no other man who would make me feel like I need to be better, like I need to be the upgraded version of myself. I know it's not reasonable to change because I wanted to fit in to what that person likes in a woman, but to be honest, it's just because I wanted to be worth it.

This one man's another challenge. I am once again trying to risk my sanity and my heart for something I've long wanted to feel. At this moment, I know I do not have even the slightest chance, but maybe... just maybe... it'll all be fine.

I wouldn't compare. The past owns a huge part of me and I wouldn't deny it. But life is finally giving me the golden chance to create a brand new story, to take on a fresh beginning, to try my chances anew. And I'm not that stubborn to refuse. I'm 26 and it's about time that I take relationships seriously.


Monday, June 15, 2015

It's still the same. Our lives are still intertwined and fate still dictates that we get back together, in any manner possible, during the most trying times in my life - or at least that's what I believe. Somehow, it's that kind of set-up that sparks the idea that maybe, I'm still not over anything; or maybe everything's just coming back.

But as I ponder on it more, as I reminisce the way I felt protected and cared for, the way his hand held mine... I realized that it's no longer about love. It's that longing feeling, that intense desire, to feel something that strong again.

I just want to love again. 

However, it's not in the choices of people like I am. What do I have against the reality that in this world, it's the physical looks that matter? As one Facebook post pointed out, no one falls for the personality at first sight. It's just either you're beautiful or you're not. There's nothing in between.

The more I think about what happened that night, the angrier I become at myself. Because at the end of each day, as I have no one else to blame, I get mad at myself for being like this: for being so incapable of making someone fall in love with me.

I guess there really are two types of people: attractive and repulsive. Judging from how I'm looked down on by others just because I'm overweight, do we even need to point out which category I am in?



또 사랑하고 싶어...

When the day has ended,
                   what happens at night?

When the laughter had died down,
when the world turns into quiet,
                   what happens at night?

When absence began to dominate,
and there was nothing else but your thoughts,
                    what happens at night?

When you had your back against comfort,
as you finally try to close your eyes
                                                     and your heart -
                     what happens at night?

After even just a moment
of my presence in your life, tell me -
                 

                     what happens at night?





* I got the phrase "What happens at night" from Mr. Byun Baekhyun: Untamed,
one of my most favorite Baekhyun-centered fanfictions in Asianfanfics.com

What Happens At Night?

Sunday, June 14, 2015

There are words I couldn't say, things I cannot admit. It's not like I can't at all. It's just that I've chosen not to express it even in the slightest manner. I am not in the position to tell you these things, nor has the right to feel this way, so why bother? Why complicate things?

Saying the words I couldn't say is as good as admitting that these thoughts are true - that I am, once and for all, in love with you. It won't be fair to myself to be this honest because I'm still in the phase of battling with my own emotions. Love is a great feeling but whenever it comes to me, it never is.

These words I couldn't say will perhaps be kept in my mind forever.
There's no point telling these words when I know for sure that it will not be appreciated, nor even just replied to.
Because these words I couldn't say are nothing, particularly because it'll come from me.


The Words I Couldn't Say

2014 Copyright. Centurion Theme by Template Trackers - Published By Gooyaabi Templates | Powered By Blogger