There is quite an interesting thing going on in my mind right now. I'm actually thinking of not watching EXO's first concert in the Philippines simply because I have this huge instinct I'll be caught off guard with the ticket prices again. Although it's extremely ironic since I am obviously informed that there will indeed be a concert and I am supposed to save as much as I can to score a VVIP ticket immediately, I am apparently in the state of wondering whether I should or should not pay a huge amount for a one-night show.

Non-KPOP friends would feel elated to know I'm having second thoughts about it. I was so convinced that I need to see Luhan and Baekhyun, after all. But then, I think they are what made me think twice too.

The truth is: I kind of fear seeing them in person. Luhan and Baekhyun do not have the ordinary effects on me as a fan. One smile, one word from them and I'm pushed into a state of incompetence. I can't do anything. The softness of their voices and the exquisite beauty of their smiles just drive me to the edge. And I'm not even joking. The possibility of seeing the two of them scares me so much because I'm being like this when I just see them on TV, what more in person?

I don't think my heart could handle that well.

And also, I was beginning to think of my future. KPOP is such a wonderful distraction from reality but at the end of the day, it is still not a part of my reality which I have to face whether I like it or not. My bestfriend told me that above all, I should prioritize investing. And she meant actual investments. Emotional investments on boys who will never know of my existence are never going to earn me money, after all. Everything is fleeting, and that's the truth.

Yet, I still want to watch. I want to take part of this history. I want to be there because it's the only way of giving back to them. After all, they all did me good somehow. They managed to bring me happiness, even for short moments and I need to be grateful for that.

Hopefully, I still have months to think and decide. I know it sounds funny but this is a pretty serious matter to me. LOL. KPOP has been the reason why I still feel happy despite everything that's happened and are happening to me, and I cannot just easily discard that. 

Second Thoughts

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• by Angel Aguilar
  Angel Aguilar

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It amuses me to no end when people come to me to ask if 'we' are together. I am referring to the past love I have recently ended. Yes, ended; but apparently, there are still some who refuse to believe it.

Funny how they still insist that we'll be together someday, that this one-way relationship will actually push through again. I even know one who gave the idea two years to materialize. And just yesterday, I was taken aback because an aunt of his seemed to be really convinced that we are a thing. When her daughter (my friend) discarded the thought, the older one stated that there is a possibility that he'll come to me and ask my hand for marriage... soon.

Tempting idea. I used to think of that too. I once imagined that we'll go past that stage of courtship and head to that directly.

But that was a downright mistake.

What people should understand is that I'v gone beyond that phase where I'm just accepting everything. For five years, love blinded me from the fact that I refuse to pay attention to his mistakes and undesirable attitudes. I was too concentrated on the idea that I love him therefore I should accept his whole being.

Now that I have moved on, I am beginning to notice what I didn't before.

Truth is: our characters contrast more than how we're alike. While he's quiet and reserved, I am loud and boisterous. While he's impressively calm, I am always agitated. He's a genius, I'm not. He has his whole life planned ahead of him, I roll by instinct. He's liked while I'm hated. He's unique and different, I'm just painfully normal.

I know opposite attracts, but God knows that never applied to us. And though I have to take credit of that one essential fact that I have gone beyond what others couldn't come close to in terms of being a friend to him, that's all I could ever be. A few months ago, the thought hurt. But now, I'm thankful even. During those five long years of unrequited love, I have discovered a lot about myself. I have realized how deep my threshold for emotional pain is; how selfless I can be; and how dedicated I can be towards one person.

Seriously, I have understood my whole being.

So no regrets.

I have learned not to speak about the future with finality so I don't want to close my doors. But then I hope people will understand that if we're meant to be, we will happen.

But if you seriously ask me, I hope it never does.

The Final Statement

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  Angel Aguilar

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I am beyond frustrated. Apparently, things are getting worse. Threats were sent. Rumors kept on going around - all with the aim of preventing good things to prevail. Right now, it has become a one-sided war. While the detractors are so much attuned to their plans, their subject was just keeping quiet - convinced that a humble person will never lose anything essential.

And that is exactly what frustrates me.

I am not being unfair. I have weighed both sides and tried to see reason. Why is this happening? What's the root of all these issues? Where the heck did this come from? I thought of it for a long time; and have finally concluded where it all boils down to: POWER.

Truth be told, there is politics. As I've said, some people seem to cannot let go of their reputations. They seem to cannot accept the fact that their time had passed. Apparently, they gained too much from their positions that letting go of it will bring them great damage. Thus, the need to retaliate and protect what they believe is theirs.

Why? That is the bigger question. Why do they have to feel that way?

Things are getting more and more serious and I'm losing my mind slowly. The conspiracy of people to bring the 'threat' down is becoming so overwhelming. There was this apparent need to destroy a foundation, an identity, a self-esteem.

Once again, why?

I maybe young but what's happening drives me up the wall. As I think about it, the more I realize that it isn't about my being overportective anymore. It has thoroughly become an issue concerning my principle against bullying. It's offending me personally, and I'm beginning to hate it.

What frustrates me more is that I cannot do anything because no one knows I know so much. I couldn't seak my mind about this issue because I a mere nobody. I am a tiny speck of dust compared to the rich, famous and influential personalities I want to go against.

And it hurts that as a child, I don't stand a chance.


Damn it. What am I supposed to do.

Just A Passing Thought #2

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• by Angel Aguilar
  Angel Aguilar

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People saw you at the hospital.

They said it's one that specializes in cardiovascular issues.

It's two weeks tomorrow since we last heard from you.

And when I thought I am already okay,

this picture made me realize I'm not... yet.

You cut your hair short, baby? 

You dyed it back to black?

You look better in those simple clothes, I have to admit.

But you do look best in everything anyway.

Even when you had to wear that stupid ahjumma cloth on your way to Beijing...

...when you decided to never come back.

Did the shirt contributed to your decision? LOL

You know what?

I may also have a heart disease.

I'm not sure.

I don't really pay attention to my health and I'm afraid to go to the doctors.

That's why I'm glad that you did.

I'm glad that you're doing things to correct what has been wrong all along.

And I wish you good health, always.

I wish you more love and blessings, Yifan.

I miss you.

I love you.

And I wish I could tell the whole world that.

Even though I'm not sure if this is even the right thing to do.

#1 052814

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• by Angel Aguilar
  Angel Aguilar

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