When I had my one-on-one conversation with my boss, she asked me how I was at first. It was almost December then, and I was nowhere near okay. Naturally and embarassingly, my defenses crumbled down and I just cried in the middle of that busy coffeeshop.
I told her my story, what I’m going through. The hopelessness was evident but it made itself more felt when my boss asked how do I see myself in the future. Fo someone who always has an answer to every question and being so good with predicting what is going to happen next (thanks to my being so empathic) I was - for once - speechless.
I cannot see my future.
I cannot even attempt to envision one.
The sad thing about not having a vision of your future is the fact that that means you’re stuck in your past and present. So when I say I’m busy to think about what’s gonna happen next, it’s not on a superficial and cloutchasing level like office works or household chores. I am busy fighting and surviving today, so I can atleast have a chance on tomorrow.
It’s where the exhaustion comes from. People like me, we are not given a choice. We are instead given tasks which we have to complete. Else, it’ll be over for us and our families. We are never free because we cannot just think about ourselves. Our thoughts will always have to include other people who depend on us, who always hav to survive with us.
The heavy weight we carry is so depleting, that we no longer have the ability to see past through it. Believing that I have a future feels like a luxury I cannot afford at all.
But as I reset and refocus I realized that I actually can think of my future. I can dream. I can design it the way I want to… But for the longest time, I’ve been choosing not to.
Because I am afraid of getting disappointed.
Lifehas been throwing me under the bus for all of my life that I lost hope on it.My automati thought will always be “Why draem when I’ll get fucked up anyway?” I got so used to disappointments that I’d rather expect the negatives than pray for a positive outcome. It’s always what happens anyway, what makes me think I’ll get lucky this time?
It sucks to realize that it’s me who’s stopping my own self to dream. But it suchs more when I am easily overpowered by a premature conclusion that nothing’s gonna change.
But then it’s turning 2025 in a few days. Let’s see what the next year will bring.
