The recent attacks were grueling, and were becoming a bit disconcerting already. I might be having a relapse, but admitting to it could potentially cost me a lot.
So in an attempt to stray away from the thoughts and somehow survive, I decided to go back to do some resetting and refocusing. To do that, I was advised to go back to my roots - to activities I used to enjoy doing, places I used to find comfort at, things that used to bring me even the simplest of joy.
It's not that I didn't know what these were anymore. It's just that I could no longer find interest on all of them. For the longest time, after all, I have been walking aimlessly. I've just been living for the present, and if you've felt the same, you will know how difficult that is.
But unlike the first time I hit rock bottom, I know better now. I am strong enough to no longer seek healing from other people because I know too damn well that their offers for help are superficial. It all ends when their comfort gets compromised. And dealing with people like me is uncomfortable. The words "I'm one call away" will always be conditional when told to me. It is never true. It is never meant.
While it is true that it's okay to ask for help, I've learned not to expect anymore. That's why the effort to heal should start and end with me. Early on, I have to accept that I am alone in this battle and people are just by-standers either wishing me well or waiting for my demise. And no, this isn't some call for pity or to chase the clout. This is the reality.
And this is my motivation to fucking pick myself up again.
So I have decided to get back to my roots. Even if it means sacrificing sleep on weekends, walking distances to get to places, or spending money on fares and food... then so be it.
Last December 1st, I decided to begin this journey. And hopefully, at the end of it, I will be able to carry myself to a future where I, myself, matter to me.
It's gonna be a long, tough road ahead. I might break down, go back to zero, or try to give up again. But hopefully, getting back to photography and writing at the same time will convince me that there's something to look forward to.
And if there's anyone who gets to read this, I hope you continue walking with me on this journey. Because as much as I want to be alone, I want witnesses for when I finally win.
