Have you ever felt so stagnant? Like whatever you do, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to move forward? Like you’re just running around in circles, figuring out how to get out of the depressing loop called ‘life’ but no matter what take you turn, you’ll just end up on step one?
I have. And it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.
For years, I’ve strived but it all became tumultuous when I lost my job last year, June. I was in the dark, blind and clueless as to where I will be getting the motivation and determination to get back at my feet again.
Months later, I knew I wanted to open a T-shirt business. My cousin gave me enough finances to start on it and I teamed up with friends for the whole process. We’re a few months old now and I’ve sold quite a number of shirts already. It was good business, money was regularly coming in; until I realized that I’m not making any progress. Sure, I was selling my shirts and designs but no, I’m not really growing.
One thought and it had my whole life collapsing again.
I tried to think about what’s wrong; and during one tricycle ride to I-forgot-where, it was a eureka moment.
I don’t move forward because I’m doing these things for the wrong reasons. I live with the wrong motivations. Everything in my life - all my dreams, goals - seem to be created by the simple fact that I am jealous of others living the life I’ve always dreamed to have. Envy drives me and it’s not exactly a good thing. I am doing what I do for something so negative and that, I guess, is one of the main reasons why nothing seems to improve.
Sure, slight envy towards others is good to light that spark of determination in oneself; but I might have let it dominate me. Along the way, I might have let it eat me whole that it became my actual motivation. Maybe not generally, but it plays a great part.
Now which plays the biggest role in this wrong motivation thing? Revenge.
I do things to take revenge. I have this intense hunger to prove myself to people who wronged me. I always tell myself that once I become successful, I will put these people in their proper places. Because you see, the desire to succeed had created this whole illusion that I’m better than everyone else. It had mounted me into a non-existent pedestal. Maybe I can’t be blamed totally, thanks to the painful experiences I had with people I’m talking about; but then, life’s not about revenge. It is never about revenge.
This, I believe, is the biggest problem in me. I want to go up to bring others down. Unconsciously, that was what had been running in my mind all this time; and only now did I realize how ironic I’ve always been.
I said I have thought of all this during my 10-minute tricycle ride, right? But apparently, it has been in my mind for a long time now. It’s just that I’m not paying attention. Now that it has surfaced into my knowledge what actually is holding me back, I pondered on it and felt a lot better knowing what the problem is. At least, I can now work on redesigning my way of thinking and formulating the best solutions to totally eradicate this kind of paradox.
Like all other beginnings, it will be difficult, of course. I believe in destiny. I believe in fate. I believe that if this is happening, then this is what is meant to happen. But then, above all, I believe in a God who rewards His children who do good and reprimands those who were astray; a God who forgives those who ask for forgiveness and repent on their sins; and a God who wishes nothing but success to His creation.
Re-reading what I’ve written, I let out a smile. I guess I’ve just found a better motivation now.
