Showing posts with label angel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angel. Show all posts

Sunday, March 22, 2015


Four days after my last blog entry, I'm now announcing that CitySavings Bank Valenzuela Branch is now open! With office hours running from Tuesday to Saturdays (9AM to 5PM), we're nearer to public school teachers of the city and is ready to be of service to their financial needs.

Naks. Lakas maka-marketing!


The bank opened on March 20, 2015, attended by top management people. Tito Lino was there, of course, along with Sir Levi (EVP-Channel Management) and other key personalities in the region like Sir Gary, Sir Roland, Sir Richard, and Mam Mitsy. Although it was quite disappointing that there was just one teacher who came to file a City Savings Bank Salary Loan and the branch doesn't have electricity or water connection, the first day turned out better than the worst. :))

Redemption came in the form of people. I got to bond with my branch staff during the day. It was exciting talking to them, as if we've known each other for so long already. All the cleaning and stuff, it was amazing how I managed to feel at ease with them in an instant. Maybe, this goes only to those who are of my age as I don't think the elders don't like the ugly me that much. LOL.


Anyway, the day ended up with us so tired from the heat and dirt. LOL. But it was worth it. Personally, I think it was an enlightening moment because it made me realize that not all banks are as stiff as what I usually thought they are. CitySavings, along with the people I'm working with, proved to me that there is always an exception to the rule. Cool. ^^

A lot of things happened that day but the best thing was my conversation with Sir Gary.

A little flashback: During my final interview, I was given situations and asked how I'm going to react to it. Coming from a field which accepts no mistake, I openly declared that I'm ready to stand up against anyone who will not comply with the rules. Sir Gary asked me if my mind will still change and I said 'no'. But the moment I stepped into the branch, I knew immediately that I made a mistake with my answer. In the industry of banking in the Philippines, there are rules I'm supposed to follow and people I need to trust. The saying 'obey first before you complain' applies and since then, my conscience bugged me because somehow, I know it gave the people a ridiculous impression on me.

And so when I got to talk to Sir Gary, I decided to free myself of the guilt. I talked to him and asked if he still remembers what he asked of me during interviews and when he said yes, I told him that everything has changed. He smiled at me and said 'that's good!' and his words eased me up big time. He told me encouraging words and I felt I have managed to change something.

And honestly? I'm glad.



It's gonna be a long walk from here forward. But I'm hoping and I'm expecting that good things will happen. This is a new beginning, an interesting step taken, and I can't wait to see what's waiting on the other end of the tunnel. I'm excited.

And I hope that potential clients would entrust us everything. I hope that they would let us into their worlds, their lives; because as mushy as this may sound, CitySavings can help them. CitySavings can really help them. (I'll try to explain this in my next post!)

Because as CitySavings bankers, we fulfill. We adhere. We give simply our best.

CitySavings Bank (Valenzuela Branch) is Officially Open!

Sunday, February 15, 2015


It's starting to sink in.
The truth that saves me.
After what seemed endless,
I finally found the light.

The sleep was long,
as horrible as the dream.
But now it's beginning -
it finally begins.


It Finally Begins

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Have you ever felt so stagnant? Like whatever you do, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to move forward? Like you’re just running around in circles, figuring out how to get out of the depressing loop called ‘life’ but no matter what take you turn, you’ll just end up on step one?

I have. And it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

For years, I’ve strived but it all became tumultuous when I lost my job last year, June. I was in the dark, blind and clueless as to where I will be getting the motivation and determination to get back at my feet again.

Months later, I knew I wanted to open a T-shirt business. My cousin gave me enough finances to start on it and I teamed up with friends for the whole process. We’re a few months old now and I’ve sold quite a number of shirts already. It was good business, money was regularly coming in; until I realized that I’m not making any progress. Sure, I was selling my shirts and designs but no, I’m not really growing.

One thought and it had my whole life collapsing again.

I tried to think about what’s wrong; and during one tricycle ride to I-forgot-where, it was a eureka moment.

I don’t move forward because I’m doing these things for the wrong reasons. I live with the wrong motivations. Everything in my life - all my dreams, goals - seem to be created by the simple fact that I am jealous of others living the life I’ve always dreamed to have. Envy drives me and it’s not exactly a good thing. I am doing what I do for something so negative and that, I guess, is one of the main reasons why nothing seems to improve.

Sure, slight envy towards others is good to light that spark of determination in oneself; but I might have let it dominate me. Along the way, I might have let it eat me whole that it became my actual motivation. Maybe not generally, but it plays a great part.

Now which plays the biggest role in this wrong motivation thing? Revenge.

I do things to take revenge. I have this intense hunger to prove myself to people who wronged me. I always tell myself that once I become successful, I will put these people in their proper places. Because you see, the desire to succeed had created this whole illusion that I’m better than everyone else. It had mounted me into a non-existent pedestal. Maybe I can’t be blamed totally, thanks to the painful experiences I had with people I’m talking about; but then, life’s not about revenge. It is never about revenge.

This, I believe, is the biggest problem in me. I want to go up to bring others down. Unconsciously, that was what had been running in my mind all this time; and only now did I realize how ironic I’ve always been.


I said I have thought of all this during my 10-minute tricycle ride, right? But apparently, it has been in my mind for a long time now. It’s just that I’m not paying attention. Now that it has surfaced into my knowledge what actually is holding me back, I pondered on it and felt a lot better knowing what the problem is. At least, I can now work on redesigning my way of thinking and formulating the best solutions to totally eradicate this kind of paradox.

Like all other beginnings, it will be difficult, of course. I believe in destiny. I believe in fate. I believe that if this is happening, then this is what is meant to happen. But then, above all, I believe in a God who rewards His children who do good and reprimands those who were astray; a God who forgives those who ask for forgiveness and repent on their sins; and a God who wishes nothing but success to His creation.


Re-reading what I’ve written, I let out a smile. I guess I’ve just found a better motivation now.


Why I Can't Seem to Move Forward with Life

Monday, September 22, 2014

I have been reading an awful lot of arranged marriage fan fictions these days. Every night, before I go to sleep, I make sure I get to finish either a completed or still on-going story about two people put together for a lifetime commitment because of a business transaction. The idea, though a little old, is still fresh to me. Although most stories have the same plot, it's still convincing to me how love might work and create something between the two involved souls.

After every story, I just see myself crying to sleep.

Repeatedly, I come up with the same conclusion that the reason why I'm so into this genre of story is because somehow, I want that to happen to me too. From getting into an arranged marriage to the struggles of falling in love to the happily ever after. It is a surreal setting to me, a fantasy, but I want it to be true, still. I want to experience going through all that to assure me that love doesn't play favorites.

But then at the end of the day, the impossibility of it haunts me.

First and foremost, I am not a daughter of some rich CEO. Given that I am, I don't think my parents will ever sell me to anyone for the sake of money. And I don't have anything to offer. LOL I think I'll just end up being a maid to my 'husband' in case. HAHAHA

The point is... there's just no chance. I'm no dismissing it early. No one knows what life can bring to us for the future, but I believe in my instincts and I just don't know if there's any point in making myself expect that it could happen, because it couldn't, it wouldn't.

Going back to the stories, I often tell myself I should stop reading such. But as I think about how it's becoming an escape to me, I just found myself looking for some more with quality. I want to see how others perceive this concept of reality and how they fantasize about love, itself.

Yes, writing stories is not always bent towards reality. Most times, especially for those doing it with the KPOP fandom in mind, it's some sort of an outlet to let out those wild and fantastic imaginations about our idols.

LOL This article's not getting anywhere. Annyeong.

Arranged Marriage and What Not

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

There are actually a lot of things going on in my mind right now, about stories I wanted to write - all of which would want Han to be the main character. My brain is drowning in ideas on scenarios, dialogues, and plot twists that I couldn't write at all. Somehow, it all gets tangled up that I don't know anymore if the ends meet to actually create a nice tale.


Right now though, the thought above greatly inspires me to write even just a one shot before I head to Malolos this afternoon. The idea of bringing into life the girl the speaker refers to is seriously so tempting, but dangerous as well. Somehow, it scares me to start.

The problem is that I feel like I'm going to make myself delusional when I finally start writing this. Well, okay, that's the whole point of me writing stories - to make come true things I want to happen to me - but this is just pushing the limits. I fear that once I get to pen the plot, I'll lose my conviction again of learning how to be very independent.

You see, the idea on the text is practically what I want to hear from someone. I want to be that woman he's referring to. I want to be that one strong person he's describing. And lastly, I want to be that someone who he's willing to stand with. 

This prompt is like a wick to a dynamite inside me, a pin to my grenade. Should I dare touch the flame and risk it? Or should I just refuse ideas to dwell in me and regret never trying at all?

The answer's pretty obvious to me.

Fanfic Prompt: Luhan Story

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

In life, you only make two decisions: to move forward or go backwards. Coming up with a choice between the two requires strength, courage and bravery. Because once you decided, there should be no more turning back.

And that's the difficult part. Picking which way to go is like choosing between your mom and dad. For some, it might be easy; but for others, it's not. To others, their pasts and futures are definitely hard to let go.

To be honest, there's only one way to go: move forward. You can never go backwards because that would make your life completely stagnant, eventually useless. One cannot live in the past for so long. It is mandatory to move on.

But who said you cannot look back? In the Philippines, we have a saying that goes: Ang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, hindi makakarating sa paroroonan. (He who doesn't know how to look back from where he came from will never get to his destination) And I think it's right. We cannot discard anything that happened in our lives. Our past, no matter how dark it might be, will always be a huge part of our future. It will either be a reminder of what you should not do, or a beautiful inspiration that will push you forward. We shouldn't go back to it, there's no way we can. But at least, let's look at it from time to time.


Move Back or Move On?

Saturday, August 2, 2014

It's 3:30AM and I'm waiting for my friends to fetch for another whole day of work around Bulacan churches. Killing time, I went online. After tearing up in frustration because of Sehun's glory, intense gratefulness followed when I read again Yuxing Unnie's blog... about me.

 I have talked over and over again how I met her. It all started with Super Junior and the blog I ran about them. It was a casual virtual meeting between a blogger and a passer-by. I never thought she was willing to stay.

Everyone knows I'm not the type to pay attention to everyone. I have trust issues among strangers and I'm very strict with who I let in my life. To me, quality will always be over quantity. I don't care about having only a few friends as long as they're true.

But ironically, I have long concluded that building longtime friendships over the internet - with people you don't know personally, with people who you communicate with only through computers - is possible. I have proven that with Yuxing Unnie.

And now she's saying that I made a big impact in her life and I'm one of her biggest influences.

Dude, this girl must be crazy! HAHAHA

But seriously... I'm touched. I'm grateful. I'm overjoyed. I never talked about this and it may sound cheesy but she's one of the greatest sources of happiness I've met along the way. Everytime I feel like trash and worthless, she always comes up to me randomly telling me she misses me and she loves me.

If that's not a miracle to you, I don't know what that is.

She always tells people that I inspire her. And I don't know where that came from. Me? Inspiring people? I can already hear those who know me personally scoffing at that ridiculous thought. But then I guess that's what's her purpose is in my life. She was placed in my world because God knew I need someone to constantly remind me that I am beautiful and some people appreciate me the way I am.

Without questions. Without hesitations. Without demands.

 And for that, I love her so much.




Did I Save A Nation in My Past Life?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

I feel like I’m caught in between. Things are happening and as much as we want it to stop, it wouldn’t. Words spread like fire, based on unjustified impressions, fueling irresponsible and disrespectful actions – all for the sake of reputation and popularity.

I have gone to obscurity, as it’s the only way out. Eleven years and I have finally opened my eyes to see a kind of reality which I hoped didn’t exist. Yet, it does. And there is clearly nothing I could do about it, except to stand on my ground solidly – and wish that living within this principle will earn me even just a piece of the elusive righteousness we all ought to have.

I have made a choice, as did many others who understand, who know. I have chosen to look at the side others refuse to pay attention to. I have decided to see what others won’t look at.

If this decision will create walls between generations and will jeopardize my position as a silent, feather-light sheep… then so be it.

OF ALL THINGS CRUEL

Six months since changes began. I should have known well that nothing is meant to be perfect, and change is a much dreaded reality for some people. The fortification erected around the privileged was shaken, threatening positions established and reputations built. And naturally, violent reactions are in order.

And maybe, that’s what I wasn’t able to prepare myself for.

Sharp words slash through our ears, and our eyes bleed in seeing what we never expected. It wasn’t anything I should personally concern myself about fully. But I guess, if you support what is right and due, you won’t be able to just stand still and silently stare as things transpire.

Changes are inevitable, we always say. But it terribly confuses me how those who have taught us such truth are the first ones to refuse it. How is it fair to constantly compare two polar opposites? How is it alright to just judge without looking at the two sides of the story? How is it okay to demand to receive when people, themselves, seem to not have the intention to give?

Clearly, age doesn’t define maturity. It is not really words that justify characters, but the actions people exhibit when their comfort zones are threatened.

And because of this, I have realized that for all this time, I have put my faith in the wrong set of models.

THE CHOICE I MADE

With all that’s happening, I found my “emotional caretaker” instincts kicking in. Inside me boils that strong desire to defend people who know what they’re doing. Respect begets respect; and through proper ways I’m introduced to, I’m determined to make that known.

The confidence in me stems not from my background. It is rooted from the fact that there are a lot of things I know which others don’t. There are a lot of information we conceal because it’s not the right time yet – plans which people think I’m not supposed to know, simply because I AM JUST A CHILD.

But even without this knowledge, I am pretty certain I wouldn’t give in to the current trend of hating. I am sure that I would still end up supporting what I do now. Because I know how to give the benefit of the doubt; because it is in my personality to give people time to prove themselves, because it does take time to do so.

Once, I was told that changing something that has long been there is impossible. But I say otherwise. Whatever we are today is just a product of changes our forefathers had gone through before. They had gone through changes that resulted to the norms of this generation. If that’s the case, what’s impossible?

Changes are the only constant things in life; so those who refuse to accept that may die now.





The Choice I Made

Friday, April 11, 2014

As part of my work, I usually go to Stumbleupon for inspirations on which to write next. This morning, I once again delved into its exciting clicking and came across this site. It's like a quiz or survey that helps you determine what you want to be for the year 2014. I know, I know. It's April, but it's never too late!


After answering several questions, I ended up with the dreams above; and it struck me how honest this was. Hah! Everything seems to be really accurate, including that love idea.

We're in the second quarter of the year; and so far, I think I'm doing good. I'm learning how to balance my time and enjoy myself at the same time. I am opening up my doors to new opportunities, even if that requires me to step out of my comfort zone - slowly taking steps to reaching my goals. And yes, I am beginning to dream. I have found the importance of having even at least one thing to believe in and I'm getting by.

And as for love, yes, I'm starting to open up. The idea of not getting married is slowly disappearing, and with luck, I'll find that one man who would be brave enough to break through the walls even I cannot take down.

The year 2014 started right for me, and hopefully it will continue on and on. 



It's April but One Site Just Figured Out What I Really Wanted to Do This Year

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

It was unexpected; but somehow, I have expected it. Although it hurts, especially because it happened when I'm beginning to believe.

After just a few days, I have lost my part time job. According to my manager, the boss doesn't even want to pay me because I don't know how to write. How they ended up with that conclusion, I might never know. Issues on keywords, and they willingly disregard the fact that I spent sleepless nights writing those 27 articles. I know I'm not perfect, but I can say that my articles aren't that much different with the sample they sent me.

I couldn't tell the manager; but of course, I'm disappointed. More than on the American boss, I'm more disappointed and furious at myself. This isn't the first time an American questioned my ability to write. This isn't the first time that they accepted my sample article and then end up criticizing me and refusing my works after I worked hard enough.

Right now, I am at the brink of depression. My manager had been oh-so-supportive, putting me in his first priority whenever he needs a writer for his tasks; but twice it happened, and I concluded that something must really be wrong... with me.

 I know people have different preferences, but it frustrates me so much that I couldn't exceed the expectations people have of me. It's not just in writing. It's also in life. I always tend to be the ordinary and plain Jane in everything I do and it bothers me so much that I have once again lost my chance to prove myself - to myself - that I can be someone better.

They say that things happen for a reason, and I believe in that. It's just that it's so depressing to think about the dreams I've formulated when I started believing that maybe, I have developed into a good writer already. It all came crashing when the manager told me the news. Just when I thought that the family will be able to get through our finances well through this part time job, fate proved me wrong.

As I write this, I am beginning to realize that maybe, I really am not meant to be a writer; and I don't really have the right to dream. Because everytime I do, things always get fucked up.

Six years I've been writing for a living and I still get this kind of criticism. I know I'm just letting it get into me in a negative way; but I just need to blurt it out. I asked for advises and tips from my workmate and she generously lent me her time and knowledge.

I can't blame the American boss, nor my manager; nor anyone else for this matter. I can only blame myself because I couldn't work hard enough to improve.

There's no other choice now. I've got to go back to step one and learn. I didn't have proper training in this field, yet this is the only thing I know. If this gets taken from me, or if I decide to give this up, I would be nothing. Well, it's not like I'm 'someone' today. It's just that I'll be much of a wimp than I am now if I discard this one talent (if you could consider it that way) I have.

I need a break. Tomorrow is St. Pedro Calungsod's feast day. We'll have a heart to heart talk. Because I badly need help.



Broken Dreams and The Brink of Depression

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Our finances are the main issue today in the family. We are buried in debts and our savings are constantly depleting. Real talk here: I, myself, have nothing left in my bank account but a few hundred pesos; and to be honest, it scares me. The threat of emergencies which I would need to spend on haunts me.

That’s why I decided to brave the possibilities and stray away from my comfort zone. I have chosen to take the path of a freelance person long ago; and I thought that it’s about time that I begin to put more emphasis on it. So to cut the story short, I decided to work on three jobs at a time.

This is suicide, you say? No. I see it more as a blessing.

I am a writer. I am a layout designer. I am a business woman. That means I’m working on my three dreams all at the same time. What’s better is that I’m earning because of it, and nothing beats that.

Let’s be frank. My regular salary from my main job is not that small. It’s quite at par with typical office employees in the Philippines. From it alone, I can pay the bills and give my mom enough to get us through the whole month. Sometimes, I can even manage to buy myself some treats from my favorite restaurants or from Nature Republic.

But you see… I don’t want to get contented with that. Am I getting ironic? Just a few days ago, I have written about the Art of Contentment and now I’m saying I don’t want to stick with my salary. Hmm. How do I explain this without sounding so obscure and stupid?

My salary is enough, yes. But I have bigger dreams which I need to fulfill. To do so, I need to earn more. Funny how they say money can’t buy you happiness, right? But the thing is - it can bring you there. Yes, I’m speaking about my lifetime dream of going to South Korea. In order to obtain a visa, I need proofs that I can support myself there financially and that I’ll come back to the Philippines and not hide there for good. That’s why I have decided to venture into a business which I hope we could register soon. That’s also why I’m eager to meet people who I can work for officially here in the country.

I bet you’re all now thinking that it was such a childish dream. Well as much as I want to disagree, I won’t; because that’s your opinion. So let’s just move on. Haha.

Aside from the ‘Korean dream’, I have always wanted to give gifts to my family. And having ‘just enough’ salary won’t let me do that. I want to buy them whatever they want. I want to bring them to places. I want to show them, particularly my parents, that they did their parenting jobs well on me. I want to be someone they can be proud of – not because I buy them stuff, but because I have managed to get to the position I dream of without help from people who expect me to beg them for assistance.

This is pride talking, perhaps; but I think everybody really does resort to the hidden pain inside their hearts to keep themselves motivated. I have my fair share of it, of course, and I am using that positively to succeed in life.

Having several jobs at the same time is not easy. I have to begin work at 8AM and finish everything by 6. I give myself two hours (at most) so I can go back to my computer and work on another set of tasks from another employer. In between those writing sessions, I will rest my mind by facing Photoshop for my design tasks. Sometimes, I manage the blogs which I handle for additional revenues.

During weekends, I would either spend the whole day in front of the PC and work like it’s an ordinary weekday; or I would be out with my team mates, doing the business we were contracted to do. If I’m lucky, everything will be finished by Saturday and I’ll have my Sundays for rest.

It’s tiring, I know. But it’s fulfilling for me. Maybe it’s just how I look at things? But it really does allow me to expand my boundaries. I’m never comfortable with getting out of my comfort zone; so the only thing left to do is to turn all places I go to into my sanctuary.

I’ve always loved learning new things and having three jobs at a time lets me experience that. I get to understand the techniques and importance of the different values of life; and that’s probably the second best thing that this set up gives.

I’ve mentioned it before. Life isn’t easy for me, but I’ve learned to cope up against its challenges. And frankly speaking, though I stand no chance, I am determined to win.



Wondering Why Some People Work Three Jobs at a Time for Money? Read This to Understand.


Another composition I worked on several months ago.
I honestly think it doesn't have value anymore.
I wrote this hoping I have really come to the end, only to find myself coming back again.

Or maybe, it just took a little more months to take effect?
Yes.
I think it applies now better than anytime else.



Chasing Rainbows

Sunday, March 23, 2014

I did not come from a rich family. My father lost his job even before I started high school and my mom had to struggle on her own to support a family of four. It's still vivid in my memory how my dad broke the news to us, in tears. 

And more than a decade later, the tides have turned. It's no longer my mom who's the breadwinner of the family. The torch was passed onto me. My brother still couldn't get a job, although I am extremely grateful that my parents are both receiving their pension already.

It hasn't been a year since my grandmother died, which put us in great debt. The house became a collateral for a loan, and we still have two more years to struggle to pay for that. As I've said, I'm the only one working and it's definitely not easy for me. 

Life was never easy on any of us in the family.



To be honest, this situation sent me off to a state of depression and frustration. I constantly look at others with envy, asking myself why I couldn't enjoy the life they do. Real life took its toll on me, especially because I had to work for the family even before I graduated. The painful thoughts kept on eating me alive when I see colleagues enjoying their lives because they have everything for themselves, and I couldn't.

In the end, I got myself convinced that while there are people who are extremely blessed and lucky. There are some people who will have no time to rest, fighting everyday battles of survival. Obviously, I have classified myself on the second category, that I even blamed God for neglecting me.


And it was the most stupid thing I ever did.


I hit rock bottom. I couldn't see anymore where my life's leading me. At one point, I wanted to just not exist. But I guess, God had plans for me. All I needed to do is to heed to His call and everything will be okay.

It has been a year since those thoughts occurred to me. And while I can't really say I'm past that phase already, I am proud to acknowledge that I'm getting by.

You know what the secret is?

Contentment.

When you get contented with what you have, you will realize that you have the bests. When you learn how to take pleasure on the things and experiences coming your way, you will understand what kind of life God wants you to live.

It took me long enough, but who said it would be easy? I'm even making you guys a favor by telling you this. But of course, you wouldn't believe unless you experience it yourselves. And don't fear. It's all going to be worth it.

In life, you couldn't get everything you want. Keyword: WANT. Because what you will get is what you NEED. Remember, luxury is different from necessity; and the problem lies on our tendency to confuse those two things. To be fully contented, we need to be able to classify everything according to these categories. Do you need it? Or do you just want it?

As I keep on implying, the journey towards understanding life is complex. But everything will be worth fighting for. And if you are having a hard time dealing with this kind of issue in your life, I hope this article of mine could be of help somehow.

Good luck with your battle.

The Art of Contentment

Saturday, March 22, 2014


Believe it or not, this was supposed to be a song.
But in the end, I couldn't do anything.

129 days more.
I will look forward to it like it's just two weeks.

A Song that Was Never Heard

Thursday, March 20, 2014


I used to be that person who just goes with the flow. No real decisions. No definite principles. Incapable of handling my own life. I used to depend on others on what I should believe in, and what I should take as true. 

Until I realized that it was the worst way of living.

Taking a stand on something is something inevitable for us to be better people. We need to find a permanent place to put ourselves into - that no matter where life heads us, we'll come back there. Like it's home. We have to find that one holding factor that would take us back to whatever we are supposed to be in order for us to have that sense of individuality. 


We need to take a stand to be someone. 


If we have that something we believe in, we have something to protect. 
And then we find a purpose to live. 

Take a Stand

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I have a confession to make. If you asked me a few months ago if I have moved on, I would have answered ‘yes’, but that doesn’t mean I mean it. Five years of unrequited love, four of those were completely unknown to him, it wasn’t easy freeing myself from the cage of my emotions. Despite the fact that he would never see ‘us’ in a romantic light, I continued loving him until there was nothing left.

But if you are going to ask me now if I have moved on, I would answer ‘yes’ too. But this time, it’s going to be for real. Because after five long years of dedicating myself to this one person, there’s nothing more left.

Many friends find it difficult to believe. They insist that I still feel something and that I should continue, because they believe that ‘we’ could work it all out… that ‘we’ could happen.

I used to think of that too that’s why I lasted for five long years in this one-sided love affair. It wasn’t really the thought that all my waiting will bear good fruits someday. I was more focused on the idea that everything I have worked so hard for during all those years will go to waste if I give up. I have regretted regrets even before they happen.

And that was probably the worst thing I have done to myself.

But little by little, I have discovered that there is more to life than being in love. It occurred to me that I can never give something I don’t have – and that is love. I have realized that to be able to love more, I need to love myself too. The long forgotten 70-30 percent principle had resurfaced and the best part of it? I feel no regrets.

During those past five years, I have learned a lot of things. I have discovered who I really was, and what I really wanted to do. I have once again come across an opportunity to mature and gladly, I grabbed the chance. Because of that, my hesitations to let go and move on disappeared; and fortunately, I have realized that all efforts I have exerted during the past five years of my life with him weren’t exactly wasted. In this love story, they all turned into lessons that turned me into the person I’ve always wanted to be – strong, determined and free.

Indeed, one often refuses to let go and move on not because he is still in love, but because he is overly attached with everything he had invested in the relationship, reciprocated or not. He keeps on expecting to receive something back after everything he did, and that is something we should never allow to happen. Love is meant to be reciprocated, but no one ever had the right to demand for love. It is, like respect, something to be earned rather than asked for.

Now, I’m okay; albeit the occasional annoyance brought by people who keep on bringing back the past. I have taken the first few steps to moving on, and I’m going to continue moving forward without any hesitation.

Letting Go of Five Years Worth of Memories

Sunday, March 16, 2014

A lot of times, I see myself whining and complaining about what I don't have and what I could never have. I did not come from a rich family and I do admit that there are moments when I would look at others enviously, wondering why they have things I don't. During the worst time, I even blamed my parents for not working hard enough to give me the most comfortable life they should provide me and my brother with. It was beyond stupid, I know, and I regretted that.

But I regretted that even more when I watched the Road for Hope documentary of KBS World featuring Jung Yunho. The program showed clips of the pitiful situation of the children in Ghana, Africa. Lives of the kids there were featured and I would be lying if I say their stories didn't touch my heart.


The picture above shows Mamichi, a 7-year old girl who suffers from Buruli ulcer, a disease that affects the skin and bones. I was mostly moved by the scene when Mamichi told Yunho that the worst part of the treatment is during the changing of the bandages; and just then, the nurse came to change hers. Yunho was beside her and I can say that I think I felt how he did seeing the little girl suffering, without screaming. He just held her hand tightly, hoping that he could give even the slightest bit of comfort.

The whole time, I wished I was there to hold her hand too.


In the picture above is Joshua. He's working in a seemingly junk shop in a seaside town and is living in a small shack. Ordinary? No. What touched me the most about this young man is his determination to learn and fulfill his dream. He wants to be a pilot someday and is never giving up on it, no matter how difficult life is for him.

But when asked why he doesn't go to school, he told Yunho that he wanted to but he doesn't have the money. Everything involves it and he doesn't have it. What to do?


There were other kids, and there was Luke. I didn't get how old he is but his story was another heart-wrenching one for me. Ghana is the second largest exporter of Cocoa in the world, if I'm not mistaken, and Luke was sent by his parents to a cocoa farm to work. According to the documentary, they sent him there so he could have food to eat. But somehow, I wondered if that was the only reason... Can't there be a possibility that they sent their child to another place to work so they can be freed from a responsibility they should handle themselves?

Going on with the story, Luke is like any other child in the area. He works almost fifteen hours a day just to have food. He would climb trees and get the cocoa fruits, expertly cut in in half to get the seeds, and then dry them under the sun. When he gets home, he'll feed the chicken and do other chores.

All these for a handful of roasted corn that would serve as his food for the whole day. And believe me, he hasn't even tasted the chocolate they have worked so hard for.


Just as how Yunho was rendered speechless seeing these children work so hard, I couldn't fathom what to feel too. But then, I felt hot tears streaming off my eyes and my chest was constricting in emotional pain. More than the fact that I feel sorry for the kids, I feel more regretful.

Seeing Mamichi in pain was like seeing myself in pain too. It made me feel so little that I always whine in the smallest wounds I get, and yet, there she was, trying to hold in the pain for as long as it takes. It hurt me more when Yunho said that the disease could have been prevented with one bottle of antibiotic, if they only have the money to buy it.

But then again, they don't. And so it happened.

Joshua's story: I really would want to show this to all students I know. I want them to realize the value of education, because the kid's story really emphasizes how important it is. As Yunho stated in his narration, poverty is passed on from generations to another. And only education can put a stop on it.

As for Luke, his story really made me feel like I cannot eat chocolates anymore. I have been constantly complaining about work and how much the money I earn couldn't suffice me with what I need; and then here's this kid who works all those hours for a handful of roasted corn we actually use for bingo games. How pathetic could I be?



Not able to handle the emotions anymore, I went to the kitchen and almost broke down. Sobbing, I kept on chanting in silence, imploring God to give me a chance to help. Repeatedly, I asked Him for opportunities to provide assistance to these kids.

It frustrates me that I couldn't do anything. It frustrates me that bad.

I don't know what to do at the moment. I want to take baby steps towards a goal I couldn't actually decipher. What do I want to do for these kids? I couldn't figure out yet. But one thing is clear at the moment, I want to inform people about the reality of their lives. I want others to know that while we're living a life we always complain about, some are constantly going through battles to survive even just a day.

I couldn't do anything yet, I know. But hopefully, this blog post would be a good wake-up call to others who can...



Help is needed. Badly.



All photos are NOT owned by the writer

Why I Think I Won't Eat Chocolates Anymore

Friday, March 14, 2014




"In my never ending quest for wisdom and creativity,
I concede and surrender to God's omnipotent supremacy."

An Introduction

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