The only thought in my mind right now is that I'm not worth it. I'm never worth it.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
I can't say it was a good experience, but it turned out okay as it ended. It wasn't one of the memories I can treasure because of what happened and what I felt during my stay; but I'm still thankful nonetheless that I got to visit Tagaytay again after so many years, with the priests of the Diocese of Malolos.
To be honest, I'm not sure about the name of the place. I guess it's around something like St. Scholastica's? It's run by the Benedictines though, and I should have felt safe and comforted. But I didn't. But that's another story which I don't want to tell.
To be honest, I'm not sure about the name of the place. I guess it's around something like St. Scholastica's? It's run by the Benedictines though, and I should have felt safe and comforted. But I didn't. But that's another story which I don't want to tell.
I decided to dwell on the beauty of the place then, in order to distract myself. During the few times that I actually get to get out of my room, away from the things I was supposed to do, I really marvel on this beautiful chapel set in the center of the area. It's beautiful especially at night, when the lights are on. The Benedictine medallion in stained glass is illuminated, as well as the linings of the structure. The interior was awesome, but I was more astounded with the really, really flawless sound system! I just loved listening to Fr. Dennis' voice even while outside. Hehe.
I stayed with Marvin in the new building. Initially, we were at the 'dungeon' and I didn't like it one bit. The feeling was eerie there. And then after they left, I transferred to Luis' room and it was better there. I liked the area, plus there's internet connection. So I felt connected and safe.
So yeah, I didn't take a picture of my room because I was afraid something might come out from the image. LOL. And then there's these deer statues outside the dormitory which was a little crazy, especially at night, when you see them staring. But something comforted me. Deer = Luhan. Goodness. I really can't get away, can I?
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
I'm clinging onto that one last strand. I'm fervently wishing that I am given not a final reason to let go. I'm not ready, after all. Years had passed and I had repeatedly stated I've moved on but I've never been even a bit truthful - or at least, it was unconscious.
I'm trying. But apparently, there's nothing else now. It's no longer me. It's already him who's staying away, who's maintaining a huge distance between us. And I understand. I understand so well. It means I no longer need to exert effort. Because this time, it's his turn to do that.
Maybe he's just doing me a favor. Maybe, he's stopping me from falling in love with him all over again. And though it hurts more in actuality, I have to be grateful. I am actually grateful that at least, I wouldn't have any reason to stay anymore. I can quit wholeheartedly knowing that it's really dead end for me.
In the end, I lost. And whatever I'm holding on to for the past five years, I'm fully letting go.
Hopefully, this time's real.
I'm trying. But apparently, there's nothing else now. It's no longer me. It's already him who's staying away, who's maintaining a huge distance between us. And I understand. I understand so well. It means I no longer need to exert effort. Because this time, it's his turn to do that.
Maybe he's just doing me a favor. Maybe, he's stopping me from falling in love with him all over again. And though it hurts more in actuality, I have to be grateful. I am actually grateful that at least, I wouldn't have any reason to stay anymore. I can quit wholeheartedly knowing that it's really dead end for me.
In the end, I lost. And whatever I'm holding on to for the past five years, I'm fully letting go.
Hopefully, this time's real.
Friday, August 22, 2014
I am tired. No, it's not about my lack of sleep or the fact that I've been traveling a lot these days. I'm just emotionally exhausted. Very exhausted.
To be honest, I find it unfair. I'm doing every bit of what I can to forget and denounce the truth that I crave for emotional security and comfort. I bury myself on too much work, hoping to get distracted from all these anxieties - because it's getting more and more intense that it's beginning to scare me so much.
But at the end of the day, the truth remains that I'm a woman in need of a sanctuary where I can rest and relax and be myself again. For a long time now, I've been doing things for other people, forgetting the fact that I also have voids to fill in. I've been neglecting myself because I don't want to face the fearful possibility that I am meant to be this way. It's like I've been getting myself used to it because at the end of the day, it's going to be where I will be.
This sounds so degrading but isn't it better to start believing this now than to expect something that will never come?
My strength is a facade. I am a normal human being, vulnerable to pain and depression. I am not invincible. I am not a superhero. I get tired. I get exhausted. I need attention. I need care. I need someone to tell me "Hey, drop your sword for a moment and rest. I'm going to be the strong one for you this time."
I'm not asking for too much. I can always be strong for myself, but at this moment, I just feel so depleted and naturally, I need to recharge. But I cannot do that - not when there are people depending on me for their own lives.
I am stuck in a unique dimension where there are no options. I do believe in fate, and maybe this is mine. And I'm confused. I'm terribly caught in between. And I'm suffering.
