Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Our finances are the main issue today in the family. We are buried in debts and our savings are constantly depleting. Real talk here: I, myself, have nothing left in my bank account but a few hundred pesos; and to be honest, it scares me. The threat of emergencies which I would need to spend on haunts me.

That’s why I decided to brave the possibilities and stray away from my comfort zone. I have chosen to take the path of a freelance person long ago; and I thought that it’s about time that I begin to put more emphasis on it. So to cut the story short, I decided to work on three jobs at a time.

This is suicide, you say? No. I see it more as a blessing.

I am a writer. I am a layout designer. I am a business woman. That means I’m working on my three dreams all at the same time. What’s better is that I’m earning because of it, and nothing beats that.

Let’s be frank. My regular salary from my main job is not that small. It’s quite at par with typical office employees in the Philippines. From it alone, I can pay the bills and give my mom enough to get us through the whole month. Sometimes, I can even manage to buy myself some treats from my favorite restaurants or from Nature Republic.

But you see… I don’t want to get contented with that. Am I getting ironic? Just a few days ago, I have written about the Art of Contentment and now I’m saying I don’t want to stick with my salary. Hmm. How do I explain this without sounding so obscure and stupid?

My salary is enough, yes. But I have bigger dreams which I need to fulfill. To do so, I need to earn more. Funny how they say money can’t buy you happiness, right? But the thing is - it can bring you there. Yes, I’m speaking about my lifetime dream of going to South Korea. In order to obtain a visa, I need proofs that I can support myself there financially and that I’ll come back to the Philippines and not hide there for good. That’s why I have decided to venture into a business which I hope we could register soon. That’s also why I’m eager to meet people who I can work for officially here in the country.

I bet you’re all now thinking that it was such a childish dream. Well as much as I want to disagree, I won’t; because that’s your opinion. So let’s just move on. Haha.

Aside from the ‘Korean dream’, I have always wanted to give gifts to my family. And having ‘just enough’ salary won’t let me do that. I want to buy them whatever they want. I want to bring them to places. I want to show them, particularly my parents, that they did their parenting jobs well on me. I want to be someone they can be proud of – not because I buy them stuff, but because I have managed to get to the position I dream of without help from people who expect me to beg them for assistance.

This is pride talking, perhaps; but I think everybody really does resort to the hidden pain inside their hearts to keep themselves motivated. I have my fair share of it, of course, and I am using that positively to succeed in life.

Having several jobs at the same time is not easy. I have to begin work at 8AM and finish everything by 6. I give myself two hours (at most) so I can go back to my computer and work on another set of tasks from another employer. In between those writing sessions, I will rest my mind by facing Photoshop for my design tasks. Sometimes, I manage the blogs which I handle for additional revenues.

During weekends, I would either spend the whole day in front of the PC and work like it’s an ordinary weekday; or I would be out with my team mates, doing the business we were contracted to do. If I’m lucky, everything will be finished by Saturday and I’ll have my Sundays for rest.

It’s tiring, I know. But it’s fulfilling for me. Maybe it’s just how I look at things? But it really does allow me to expand my boundaries. I’m never comfortable with getting out of my comfort zone; so the only thing left to do is to turn all places I go to into my sanctuary.

I’ve always loved learning new things and having three jobs at a time lets me experience that. I get to understand the techniques and importance of the different values of life; and that’s probably the second best thing that this set up gives.

I’ve mentioned it before. Life isn’t easy for me, but I’ve learned to cope up against its challenges. And frankly speaking, though I stand no chance, I am determined to win.



Wondering Why Some People Work Three Jobs at a Time for Money? Read This to Understand.


Another composition I worked on several months ago.
I honestly think it doesn't have value anymore.
I wrote this hoping I have really come to the end, only to find myself coming back again.

Or maybe, it just took a little more months to take effect?
Yes.
I think it applies now better than anytime else.



Chasing Rainbows

Sunday, March 23, 2014

I did not come from a rich family. My father lost his job even before I started high school and my mom had to struggle on her own to support a family of four. It's still vivid in my memory how my dad broke the news to us, in tears. 

And more than a decade later, the tides have turned. It's no longer my mom who's the breadwinner of the family. The torch was passed onto me. My brother still couldn't get a job, although I am extremely grateful that my parents are both receiving their pension already.

It hasn't been a year since my grandmother died, which put us in great debt. The house became a collateral for a loan, and we still have two more years to struggle to pay for that. As I've said, I'm the only one working and it's definitely not easy for me. 

Life was never easy on any of us in the family.



To be honest, this situation sent me off to a state of depression and frustration. I constantly look at others with envy, asking myself why I couldn't enjoy the life they do. Real life took its toll on me, especially because I had to work for the family even before I graduated. The painful thoughts kept on eating me alive when I see colleagues enjoying their lives because they have everything for themselves, and I couldn't.

In the end, I got myself convinced that while there are people who are extremely blessed and lucky. There are some people who will have no time to rest, fighting everyday battles of survival. Obviously, I have classified myself on the second category, that I even blamed God for neglecting me.


And it was the most stupid thing I ever did.


I hit rock bottom. I couldn't see anymore where my life's leading me. At one point, I wanted to just not exist. But I guess, God had plans for me. All I needed to do is to heed to His call and everything will be okay.

It has been a year since those thoughts occurred to me. And while I can't really say I'm past that phase already, I am proud to acknowledge that I'm getting by.

You know what the secret is?

Contentment.

When you get contented with what you have, you will realize that you have the bests. When you learn how to take pleasure on the things and experiences coming your way, you will understand what kind of life God wants you to live.

It took me long enough, but who said it would be easy? I'm even making you guys a favor by telling you this. But of course, you wouldn't believe unless you experience it yourselves. And don't fear. It's all going to be worth it.

In life, you couldn't get everything you want. Keyword: WANT. Because what you will get is what you NEED. Remember, luxury is different from necessity; and the problem lies on our tendency to confuse those two things. To be fully contented, we need to be able to classify everything according to these categories. Do you need it? Or do you just want it?

As I keep on implying, the journey towards understanding life is complex. But everything will be worth fighting for. And if you are having a hard time dealing with this kind of issue in your life, I hope this article of mine could be of help somehow.

Good luck with your battle.

The Art of Contentment

Saturday, March 22, 2014


Believe it or not, this was supposed to be a song.
But in the end, I couldn't do anything.

129 days more.
I will look forward to it like it's just two weeks.

A Song that Was Never Heard

Thursday, March 20, 2014


I used to be that person who just goes with the flow. No real decisions. No definite principles. Incapable of handling my own life. I used to depend on others on what I should believe in, and what I should take as true. 

Until I realized that it was the worst way of living.

Taking a stand on something is something inevitable for us to be better people. We need to find a permanent place to put ourselves into - that no matter where life heads us, we'll come back there. Like it's home. We have to find that one holding factor that would take us back to whatever we are supposed to be in order for us to have that sense of individuality. 


We need to take a stand to be someone. 


If we have that something we believe in, we have something to protect. 
And then we find a purpose to live. 

Take a Stand

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


In life, we do a lot of things; 
things which define who we are and what we are in this world.

A self-confessed Jack of All Trades,
there are so much I can do.
People are proud of me, but I couldn't feel proud of myself.
I am a jack of all trades, yes;
but I'm a master of none.

But among everything I'm capable of, I have to say there's one thing I would consider myself best at:
WRITING

Since I was in Grade 3, I have been fascinated with how pens inscribe ink on papers.
It's also magic to me how emotions turns to words.
I think it's my love for stories that drove me to this art,
or perhaps, it's the fact that no one bothers to listen to my voice ever since,
and writing became my escape.

Either way, this art has become my refuge, my relief.
It has undeniably become my sanctuary.

I think everybody really should have that one thing they're best at.
Because it gives them distinction.
It gives them that sense of pride, knowing that there's something they can do which not many can.
Writing is a good choice as not everyone can do it well.
But there are lots of other crafts to flourish in.

Find yours.

A Writer's Thought at 6AM

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I have a confession to make. If you asked me a few months ago if I have moved on, I would have answered ‘yes’, but that doesn’t mean I mean it. Five years of unrequited love, four of those were completely unknown to him, it wasn’t easy freeing myself from the cage of my emotions. Despite the fact that he would never see ‘us’ in a romantic light, I continued loving him until there was nothing left.

But if you are going to ask me now if I have moved on, I would answer ‘yes’ too. But this time, it’s going to be for real. Because after five long years of dedicating myself to this one person, there’s nothing more left.

Many friends find it difficult to believe. They insist that I still feel something and that I should continue, because they believe that ‘we’ could work it all out… that ‘we’ could happen.

I used to think of that too that’s why I lasted for five long years in this one-sided love affair. It wasn’t really the thought that all my waiting will bear good fruits someday. I was more focused on the idea that everything I have worked so hard for during all those years will go to waste if I give up. I have regretted regrets even before they happen.

And that was probably the worst thing I have done to myself.

But little by little, I have discovered that there is more to life than being in love. It occurred to me that I can never give something I don’t have – and that is love. I have realized that to be able to love more, I need to love myself too. The long forgotten 70-30 percent principle had resurfaced and the best part of it? I feel no regrets.

During those past five years, I have learned a lot of things. I have discovered who I really was, and what I really wanted to do. I have once again come across an opportunity to mature and gladly, I grabbed the chance. Because of that, my hesitations to let go and move on disappeared; and fortunately, I have realized that all efforts I have exerted during the past five years of my life with him weren’t exactly wasted. In this love story, they all turned into lessons that turned me into the person I’ve always wanted to be – strong, determined and free.

Indeed, one often refuses to let go and move on not because he is still in love, but because he is overly attached with everything he had invested in the relationship, reciprocated or not. He keeps on expecting to receive something back after everything he did, and that is something we should never allow to happen. Love is meant to be reciprocated, but no one ever had the right to demand for love. It is, like respect, something to be earned rather than asked for.

Now, I’m okay; albeit the occasional annoyance brought by people who keep on bringing back the past. I have taken the first few steps to moving on, and I’m going to continue moving forward without any hesitation.

Letting Go of Five Years Worth of Memories

Sunday, March 16, 2014

A lot of times, I see myself whining and complaining about what I don't have and what I could never have. I did not come from a rich family and I do admit that there are moments when I would look at others enviously, wondering why they have things I don't. During the worst time, I even blamed my parents for not working hard enough to give me the most comfortable life they should provide me and my brother with. It was beyond stupid, I know, and I regretted that.

But I regretted that even more when I watched the Road for Hope documentary of KBS World featuring Jung Yunho. The program showed clips of the pitiful situation of the children in Ghana, Africa. Lives of the kids there were featured and I would be lying if I say their stories didn't touch my heart.


The picture above shows Mamichi, a 7-year old girl who suffers from Buruli ulcer, a disease that affects the skin and bones. I was mostly moved by the scene when Mamichi told Yunho that the worst part of the treatment is during the changing of the bandages; and just then, the nurse came to change hers. Yunho was beside her and I can say that I think I felt how he did seeing the little girl suffering, without screaming. He just held her hand tightly, hoping that he could give even the slightest bit of comfort.

The whole time, I wished I was there to hold her hand too.


In the picture above is Joshua. He's working in a seemingly junk shop in a seaside town and is living in a small shack. Ordinary? No. What touched me the most about this young man is his determination to learn and fulfill his dream. He wants to be a pilot someday and is never giving up on it, no matter how difficult life is for him.

But when asked why he doesn't go to school, he told Yunho that he wanted to but he doesn't have the money. Everything involves it and he doesn't have it. What to do?


There were other kids, and there was Luke. I didn't get how old he is but his story was another heart-wrenching one for me. Ghana is the second largest exporter of Cocoa in the world, if I'm not mistaken, and Luke was sent by his parents to a cocoa farm to work. According to the documentary, they sent him there so he could have food to eat. But somehow, I wondered if that was the only reason... Can't there be a possibility that they sent their child to another place to work so they can be freed from a responsibility they should handle themselves?

Going on with the story, Luke is like any other child in the area. He works almost fifteen hours a day just to have food. He would climb trees and get the cocoa fruits, expertly cut in in half to get the seeds, and then dry them under the sun. When he gets home, he'll feed the chicken and do other chores.

All these for a handful of roasted corn that would serve as his food for the whole day. And believe me, he hasn't even tasted the chocolate they have worked so hard for.


Just as how Yunho was rendered speechless seeing these children work so hard, I couldn't fathom what to feel too. But then, I felt hot tears streaming off my eyes and my chest was constricting in emotional pain. More than the fact that I feel sorry for the kids, I feel more regretful.

Seeing Mamichi in pain was like seeing myself in pain too. It made me feel so little that I always whine in the smallest wounds I get, and yet, there she was, trying to hold in the pain for as long as it takes. It hurt me more when Yunho said that the disease could have been prevented with one bottle of antibiotic, if they only have the money to buy it.

But then again, they don't. And so it happened.

Joshua's story: I really would want to show this to all students I know. I want them to realize the value of education, because the kid's story really emphasizes how important it is. As Yunho stated in his narration, poverty is passed on from generations to another. And only education can put a stop on it.

As for Luke, his story really made me feel like I cannot eat chocolates anymore. I have been constantly complaining about work and how much the money I earn couldn't suffice me with what I need; and then here's this kid who works all those hours for a handful of roasted corn we actually use for bingo games. How pathetic could I be?



Not able to handle the emotions anymore, I went to the kitchen and almost broke down. Sobbing, I kept on chanting in silence, imploring God to give me a chance to help. Repeatedly, I asked Him for opportunities to provide assistance to these kids.

It frustrates me that I couldn't do anything. It frustrates me that bad.

I don't know what to do at the moment. I want to take baby steps towards a goal I couldn't actually decipher. What do I want to do for these kids? I couldn't figure out yet. But one thing is clear at the moment, I want to inform people about the reality of their lives. I want others to know that while we're living a life we always complain about, some are constantly going through battles to survive even just a day.

I couldn't do anything yet, I know. But hopefully, this blog post would be a good wake-up call to others who can...



Help is needed. Badly.



All photos are NOT owned by the writer

Why I Think I Won't Eat Chocolates Anymore

Saturday, March 15, 2014



Everyone knows that I love dogs, so much that I would choose to spend money on their health than mine. Check their records and you’ll see that their vaccines are updated. I guess it’s the trauma brought by the death of two of my babies due to Distemper that made me this particular to their wellness.

However, just because I love them enough doesn’t mean they cannot pose serious threats to my safety. And yes, I’m talking about rabies.

RABIES

According to Wikipedia, rabies is a viral disease that affects the brain. It is common among warm-blooded domestic animals like cats and dogs. The cause is too scientific for me to understand, but the effect is too scary not to be comprehended.

The most terrifying thing about rabies is that there’s no cure to it. In animals, the only way is to euthanize them; and somehow, that’s the only solution when humans get affected. Yes, it is definitely fatal as it targets the central nervous system – and you wouldn’t want that.

Another scary thing is how it’s transmitted. Usually, it is passed on through scratches and bites. But doctors now suggest that rabies can be acquired by humans even when the infected animals lick the skin. I swear that gave me the chills.

When rabies is acquired by a human, the symptoms can appear within a month, or as fast as a week. And as said, there’s no cure; and one symptom can lead to death. Among the signs include fear of water, fever, involuntary movement, uncontrollable excitement, anxiety, hallucinations, and more. They say that the speed of the manifestation of these symptoms depend on where the contact was. The nearer the spot is to the brain, the faster the rabies virus will take effect.

And that’s what led me to writing this.

INCIDENT

On March 1, I was playing with Kai (Labrador/Aspin mix) when she suddenly attacked me. It was a playful move, and she normally does that; but somehow, that move gave me a wound on my forehead and it bled. That was enough to send everyone in the house in a state of panic. The wound was very close to my brain, and Kai hasn’t received her anti-rabies vaccine for this year yet.

Normally, I wouldn’t have paid attention because I trust that my dogs are clean. But my mom insisted. I was steadfast in not getting medications still though since I don’t have money. Yet, my parents said they’ll pay for it initially; and so left with no excuses and choice, I was brought to the nearest Animal Bite Treatment Center in Sta. Rosa I, Marilao.

I could vividly remember the shock and worry in the face of the attending nurse when I told her that I was bitten in the forehead. Immediately, she explained to me the possibilities and urged me to really get the vaccines and complete it. She even assured me that if I don’t have enough money for that session, they would gladly let me pay for it on the next day I come back.

Until now, I wonder how they could be very trusting like that. But I suppose it’s because they’re confident no one would want to die due to rabies. Yeah, maybe it’s that.

MEDICATIONS

Cutting the story short, I was told that I need to get 5 dosages of vaccines to prevent the virus from spreading. My first question was if the injection hurts. I have this huge trauma on needles and my heart was totally racing when I saw the syringes being prepared. But then, the nurses had clearly impressed on me the severity of the possibility of infection, despite my certainty that my dog is not a carrier. They told me that the anti-rabies vaccines dogs get are their protections against other infected dogs, and not as safety assurances for humans bitten.

Initially, I got a vaccine on both my arms and one on my lower my back. They even endorsed me to an ERIG medication, in which they injected the drug directly on my wound (IMAGINE A NEEDLE PIERCING MY FOREHEAD!!!!), and it cost me A LOT.

I had to spend a total of Php5,500.00 for the whole medication process, excluding the fares, of course. It was a lot of money for us who have debts to pay.  Plus, there were so many restrictions on my food after the vaccine.

This afternoon, I had finished my sessions and somehow, I feel more complacent that I’ll be fine. I am experiencing headaches but I don’t think it has something to do with the bite. Although I feel regretful that I spent that much amount on my health, I am starting to get convinced that it was better than dying without a fight.

This experience brought me a lot of realization, to be honest. I have realized that no matter how much I love animals, they still pose great threats to our health and that we should always be wary. I tend to be so over-caring and over-attached to them that I treat them like human beings, and I couldn’t even teach them discipline; but I guess that’s not how it should always be. As their masters, we need to make them understand that it is us who’s in control of everything and that they should always obey. I know, making dogs distinguish their limitation is next to crazy, but to be honest, that’s possible.

Still, I’m planning to get an immunization vaccine as soon as I earn extra money again. Just to be sure. It’s available from ABC so I might as well receive it.

A PLEA

Everyone, rabies is indeed a serious thing, and thus should be taken seriously. If you were scratched or bitten by animals, make sure to have yourself vaccinated. It might cost a lot, but it would be better to pay than lose your lives.

Now if you’re bitten, make sure to wash the wound with soap under running water for 10 to 15 minutes. Apply 70% alcohol and Povidone Iodine (Betadine) immediately. Don’t cover up the wound with gauze or bandages, nor put garlic, plant juices, coffee, chili powder, or metals on it. Rush to the doctor, IMMEDIATELY.

Bulacan Animal Bite Treatment Center
Vendasa Bldg., Sta Rosa I, Marilao, Bulacan
0915-8980711 / 09208138278 / 09226710061

I’m not sure about the other ABC branches but I do recommend the one I went to. The doctor’s really nice and her grip’s really light that my fear of needles disappeared when she’s injecting the drug on me. Plus, their rates are way cheaper than those of private hospitals.


Rabies and the Threat It Poses


People are funny most times. They do things and then regret it later on. They wallow in self-pity thinking about what-ifs and blaming themselves for being stupid in the past. They are consumed by their guilt and frustration over their past actions and these hinder them from being authentically happy and contented.

At one point in my life, I have fallen on the dirty traps of life and like many, I was depressed over the issues of my yesterday. It was dark times - like I'm jailed inside an invisible prison that won't let me see the beauty of the outside. I fed on negative thoughts, letting it all overpower my whole being.

Until I decided that it was enough.

Talking to a friend a few nights ago, I was quite astounded to hear myself talking about handling regrets. I couldn't believe I said those things at all actually - because surprisingly, it all made so much sense.

Regrets are like one of the most painful things our minds had ever created. They are memories that constantly remind us of things we so want to forget. They are life's greatest weapons in trolling us all - because they bring us back to the times we never want to look back on, back to our mistakes, back to the times when we were terribly imperfect.

I'm not saying we can be perfect. It's just that we have to understand. If we are to look at the positive side of things and focus on the positive thoughts, what exactly are regrets?

Regrets are painful memories that mock us consistently; but I have learned to see them as the greatest factor that keeps people grounded. Reminding us of our ugly yesterdays, regrets are our biggest reminders that we are imperfect and are bound to make mistakes.

In short, regrets make us human. That's the truth.

I don't think there's even one person without regrets. Even despite people's YOLO attitude nowadays. I don't think there's anyone in the planet who doesn't ask his/her own what-ifs. No one will ever understand the essence of YOLO unless he experienced regrets. See the connection?

My friend asked me how to erase it, and for a moment, I couldn't quite answer. For a moment, I really thought of how to do it. But then, I realized that there's no way you can delete your regrets because that requires you to forget your past. And no one forgets his/her past (unless you get on an accident or a disease and you lose your memories).

If you're familiar with the Expecto Patronum spell in Harry Potter, it pretty much shares the same logic with my formula of defeating regrets. We need to think of greater and better memories that would overcome the dark aspects of our past. If there's none, then create. Because as I told her, happy memories are always the most powerful.

But in the end, it all boils down to the determination of the person to really get over his/her regrets. Dealing with it is easy if only we really want to. One needs not to be overly dramatic in engaging with these thoughts, because that's all it's going to be.

The past is important, but it's all it is: past. It hones us. It guides us. But what's more important is the present and the future that lies ahead. We need to learn how to focus on that if we want to move forward.

The Beautiful Side of Regrets

Friday, March 14, 2014




"In my never ending quest for wisdom and creativity,
I concede and surrender to God's omnipotent supremacy."

An Introduction

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