There had been ups and downs. Countless of times, I fell and got up and then fell down again. It was a never-ending cycle that I’ve been through for more than a decade, and honestly? It was tiring. The desire to prove was still ablaze and seeing myself not getting anywhere felt so pathetic that I just wanted to quit.
Good thing, I didn’t.
During the eleven long years I have been in this ministry, I have to admit that more than half of it was spent on wrong purposes. I have blindly walked through the pathways of ‘leadership’, pushed by pride and dishonest drives. I have stepped on people, created illusions, believed in the phantom of a ‘bigger and more important person’ that I wanted to be… only to realize how wretched my status was.
I worked hard to be liked, only to be hated in the end.
Funny how it took me so long to realize that instead of getting to my goal, I’m actually drifting farther away. I looked back and contemplated on what I’ve been doing with my life and understood – finally – that all this time, I’m doing it wrong.
The problem with me was that I have picked the right destination but took the wrong way to get to it. I used the wrong methods and lived for the wrong purposes. In the end, it backfired on me; and yes, it took me a decade and a year to eat my pride and say ‘okay, I’m getting back to step one.’
And when I did, everything began to fall to its proper places.
Last night, Luwi and I were talking about what we’re doing. The Holy Week is fast approaching and no one could even bat an eyelash because of the tight schedules and piling responsibilities that we all have to act upon. We thought it was tiring, but as we look at the brighter side of things: it is rewarding.
As I write this, I am confident that gone are the days when I want to prove myself. Even Luwi’s convinced that this time, we’re doing it all right. We’re doing it because we want to; because we have agreed to serve God, St. Francis and the rest of those who we have devoted ourselves to. We’re doing all these because we have committed ourselves to service.
On this part, let me admit that sometimes, it hurts when other people think we’re doing this for fame and money. First of all, popularity is a normal thing and I see it as a mere side-effect of service. There is completely nothing wrong with being famous, except when you allow it to get into your head. And to be honest, I don’t think I’ll be comfortable with the thought that will people will know my name. I might not seem like it but I have always downplayed with everything I do. I love working in the background because I don’t want others to like me for what I can do.
Plus, popularity means more responsibilities. And as much as I’m enjoying, I don’t want to force myself in doing things I don’t really intend doing. Service is fun because I do what I want to do. Being famous will surely push me out of that comfort zone.
And money? All things I’m doing for my service, I do for free. I may have secured connections through what I do though. My service paved way to meeting people that could help me through my financial worries; but my service is out of the question whenever I work for them. We don’t get kickbacks and all. Not even a peso.
Looking back to the past eleven years, I smile at the thought that God has given me that much time to learn. During those ‘training’ years, I have discovered the secrets to being a better server, and a better person in general. I have learned the significance of REAL friendship and responsibilities, as well as time organization. I have also realized how important it is to step out and fight openly what I think and believe is right, through ways that would not disregard my values and morals.
And most importantly? I have learned that there is no better home than in the home of my God.
I know many people look at service shallowly; but I still encourage all of you to try. It never hurts to give Him time. You will even gain so much from it.
