I'm A Fucking Work in Progress, CALM DOWN.

Yesterday, I almost lost myself and broke down in the office. It was embarrassing, trying so hard to keep everything inside me. There was no way I would be talking about how I feel to people I barely know. Thank God, there was internet connection and Luwi was online.

It is never a problem to me whenever people in higher positions would reprimand me for doing things. But when it all becomes a different thing when I'm accused of doing something I didn't do, and would never do.

Yesterday kinda struck me hard. It was all so sudden. I didn't expect that coming. Immediately, there was only one thing I thought: do these people really think I'm such a lazy ass? It was terrifying trying to figure out the answer; because I don't want to be judged prematurely.

I know myself more than anyone. I know I'm not lazy when it comes to things like work. If possible, I would settle everything on my own, in a day - because that's how I had trained myself to be. I am a fast learner and I do things fast. Accuracy might suffer in the first few tries but it gets better, I swear.

But that very moment, I was made to feel like I'm such a good-for-nothing person. The words, though simple as they were, cut deep in me that I felt like I was sliced open. I know it was a joke, but coming from someone with position, I'm not an idiot not to know that there's something else on it.

I couldn't talk back although it helped that I was able to defend myself. But then, that didn't change a thing.

That's when all the horrors of my mind went back. All this time, I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to take it slow because I'm still learning. Damn it. That's the point. I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS. I am fucking adjusting but I was judged nevertheless.

I could talk about a lot of things on why I appeared as such, but I'm not wasting my time. People believe what they want to believe. My words will do nothing so once again, I chose not to speak and I will choose not to speak, because it won't make any sense. I'm used to this set-up anyway. Others won't believe me because it's me telling them things, so... okay?

Anyway, I'm okay now. I'm pretty sure the tension had subsided already.

Although frankly speaking, I really might be writing another rant post when I get the chance.