The Fault of a Good-for-Nothing Daughter

I am a very useless daughter, a good-for-nothing person. I'm a very stubborn, boastful and obnoxious girl who couldn't give respect to her parents even a bit. I'm that one person who always think she's above everyone else. I cannot pay respect to my mother and father because I'm that evil.

And I am at fault.



Now, it was made clear to me why I've been very nervous these past few days. I thought something wrong's gonna happen and it did: in the form of a revelation that my father is really mad at me. If you ask me though, it's like he hates me to the bones because I didn't turn out to be what they expected me to be.

It's because I answered back. And that's my worst mistake, I believe. I answered back when he was shouting right at my face due to something I refused to do. It was respectful but while I won't defend myself, I just have to explain that it was instinct that pushed me to do that. I was being shouted at: something I hate so much. His eyes were wide open in anger while screaming at me, and it was... scary.

This might be the first time I'm gonna explain why this hurts me so much, so I hope I'll be able to put everything into words. I hate people screaming at me and it's because everytime they do, I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like I still don't have a say on what I do despite all things I did to earn that kind of self-respect. It was like everything I've tried to work for gets down the drain.

A little background: I was bullied when I was a child. I was always left alone. Naturally, I tried to blend in but I guess I overdid it (or people just took it wrongly) and so I suffered the consequence and the situation worsened. This is the reason why I hated my grade school and high school days. And this is the reason why I feared getting shouted at.


I have suffered a lot of mental and emotional hardships all my life - all for the sake of feeling accepted. But when people shout at me, or I hear people screaming at each other, it just feels like everything's getting out of hand. It's like people shout at me because I'm a useless, stupid person who doesn't know how to do anything right. It puts my learning, my effort, to waste.

And you know where that leads to? I blame myself.

Everytime people shout at me, I end up blaming myself because I can't blame anyone else. Everytime people shout at me, I feel like it's only me who's wrong - that even though I'm not at fault, I will be, because I can't fight for myself. But in times when I can shout back, I'll feel worse.

Because that meant I actually did wrong.



My mom told me my father had a hard time sleeping because he was too angry at me for answering back when he screamed at me twice. She said he dreamt of not being able to breathe. It fucking drove me to guilt. If something happens, I would probably blame myself for it forever; and then we're gonna go through the same story. I will be the sinner who deserves to be screamed at.


But what confuses me is why my parents couldn't figure out the effect of their constant shouting at me. Why can't they see that due to their constant bickering or their constant screaming at us, I don't dream about bad things. I COULDN'T SLEEP AT ALL.



Of course, I could always cry unfair. I could always say this is not okay. But I can't. Because at the end of the day, I'm at fault. Because I'm a good-for-nothing daughter who doesn't know how to pay respect.


And I'm not saying this because I call for pity.

I say this because it's the truth.


And even though I try to change because I want to change... no one would notice. And so I end up going back to step one again.