Tuesday, January 21, 2025

I kept on saying I’m not gonna watch Seventeen’s concert. But on the eve of the first day, I accepted the offer of a friend to buy for me and immediately got myself a VIP Standing ticket. Marupok na kung marupok pero I spent sleepless nights thinking about it and I knew it’s no longer just FOMO. It was about my mental health and how I will be for the rest of the year.


Hindi naman ako agad-agad bumigay, shempre. The reason why I had to wait until Friday was because I prayed. I asked for a sign from St. Therese of Child Jesus and St. Andrew Kim Taegon. I told them that if I will see a bouquet of roses before the concert, it means I can go to the concert with peace of mind - at pagbalik ko sa bahay, my parents will be fine and there’ll be not even an ounce of regret na I’ll have additional debt (no pressure though, no interests, pay when able).


I was so careful about mentioning this to others kasi baka madinig ni Meta at magpakita ng kung ano-ano. I refuse to look around din whenever I go somewhere outside the office kasi ayokong isipin ko later on na I forced it.


The whole Thursday, there was nothing. But on Friday, nagparamdam na bigla yung mga rosas. The first one was when I saw the profile picture of an “influencer” holding a rose. I don’t like the girl but I paid attention to the fact na isa lang ang hawak niya. I told myself na hindi yun counted. I asked for a bouquet, or atleast madami. I kept on browsing through Facebook and came across this ad of an online flower store. Puro bouquets pero walang roses, when normally meron sila.


Nung mga oras na yon, akala ko wala na talagang pag-asa. Unti-unti ko na tinatanggap yun eh. I don’t want to go against the prayer and decide on my own kasi parents ko yung sinangkalan ko.


But suddenly, I came across this tweet about Hanahaki disease when I was checking out MinWon’s White Midnight teasers. It was a scene from a manga where a guy was coughing while there’s a set of xray images of his brain on the side of his hospital room. And sa next picture, there’s a closeup shot of the xray images, and boom… roses. 


Hanahaki disease, after all, is a fictional disease wherein a person coughs roses with thorns if his love isn’t reciprocated. Yun yung madalas na nagiging cause of death because tumutubo yung halaman sa loob niya.


Now, if that isn’t a sign, then I don’t know what is. So I went back home early and bought the ticket. 


Cut to the concert day.


Before I left the house, nag-away pa kami ni Mama at Daddy because it felt like they don’t want me to go. Pero kailangan ko kasi kaya nga siguro ko pinapanood ng concert para makapagpahinga from all the unplanned responsibilities eh, pero parang ambigat sa loob nila na paalisin ako. Parang kailangan may isipin ako sa concert at hindi ako magsaya - kase nasa bahay sila at walang kasama, dahil hirap na hirap na daw sila, dahil “ano ba naman yang concert na yan? Dapat nagdadasal ka lang! Kaya sumasama ang mundo eh!”


Eventually, daddy apologized and mama never did. Pero tumuloy pa rin ako. And while waiting for the concert, pinalabas yung MV ng Love, Money, Fame. And yes, may scenes dun na may hawak na bouquet of roses si Mingyu.


That moment, I was alone, pero nangilabot talaga ko. Like is this a reminder na pwede ako magpahinga? Na once again, God used Seventeen to convince me na okay lang ako tumakas saglit. Okay lang na piliin ko muna sarili ko. Okay lang na kahitt minsan, ako yung masunod. Ang galing ng instruments ni God. From my friend to Seventeen, and to another friend na willing sunduin ako after the concert para madali ako makauwi.


I want to think na deserve ko pala. 


Saka na ko magkukwento ng concert stuff. Sa ngayon, gusto ko lang maging thankful. Nagnunurse ako ng PCD ngayon pero mas mabuti na yung pakiramdam ko. Iba kase talaga yung saya pag may Seventeen ka. :’)



Seventeen Heals.

Saturday, January 11, 2025

 We’re 11 days into 2025 and to be honest, it’s going better than I’m used to. I think the main game changer was my decision to forego the chance to watch Seventeen’s concert next week here in Bulacan. So that basically saved me 40k in an instant, less all other miscellaneous expenses because that’s just the tickets. Gahd, the moment I typed the last sentence, I suddenly wondered how was I able to get through the past concerts with NOTHING at all? I mean, all expenses back then were abrupt, unplanned, and not in the budget. HOW TF WAS I ABLE TO MANAGE?


I realized in an instant that it’s through debts. And to be honest, I’m starting to learn how to manage my finances. And I guess that the first step was sticking to my priorities. Seventeen is VITAL to my mental health, but so is my desire to step foot in South Korea on November. (Although I’m still praying that Kuya Mike and Kuya Don will surprise us with free tickets, I’m gonna need my showmoney for the visa application so, yep, hello, we need to save!)


So basically, that’s my priority. Plus the medical expenses of my parents and the household stuff I need to pay for… 


The first thing I did was debt consolidation. Driven by the dire need, I decided to avail of Eastwest’s InstaCash promo and loaned a total of 185k before the year ended. As I didn’t have a choice, I chose a 5-year installment plan. The interest’s higher when you compute, but atleast the monthly amount is manageable. 


From that money, I decided to pay off my Unionbank credit card debt and Ate Julie. I was also able to update my payments in Eastwest as well so it doesn’t incur penalties and interests. And I have money to use during emergencies. I have so much debt left though but I’m working on it. I’m making sure I’ll triumph over these debts this year. 


To be honest, this is not easy. It takes lots of sacrifices - the Seventeen concert topping the list of course. I have to let go of a lot of things and stay away from my comfort zone most of the time. What helps me to stick to this resolve is tracking my finances. I was doing it so wrong in the past that I couldn’t stick to it. So thank God, I’ve finally learned the strategy that works best with me.


What I did was just to record my income and expenses and decided not to worry about how much I have. Because it is way easier to check if I’m spending more than what I’m earning/receiving, than keeping track of how much is in my wallet everyday. I realized I’m not a bank. I’m a person who’s trying to handle my finances properly. I don’t need to do accounting entries everyday - because besides the fact that I don’t know how to do it, I’m really often lazy to do it.


Now, here’s the catch: my salary is never enough. So to help at least with my daily expenses or my parents’ medicines, I decided to sell paruso and other bread products of Emong’s and Alicia’s Bakeries. Many people from my town missed it so much so I took advantage of it, highlighted the provenance of these delicious breads, and sold it to everyone. I’m not earning so much but at least, it gives me a few hundreds every week. My capital peaked at almost 6k last holiday season so I guess it’s really making a comeback now. 


Honestly, I am planning to revive the bakery in Meycauayan after the house has been renovated. I shifted to Kuya Rico as my architect (with Chris’ permission!) and we’re planning to start the construction at least by mid-February. This is another challenge, of course, because it was totally difficult to stick to your budget once the work begins. But I know God will provide. I know God will finally allow this for us.


This little bit of freedom for financial worries somehow lessens my stress, to be honest. There are lots of times when I thought that money is really my number one stressor, mainly because my parents are both senior citizens and their insurance is nearing its expiration. And that’s basically my biggest motivation to stick to this. I need to have enough money to support their finances when I’m practically on my own in two years. I need a fallback and the bakery is my plan A.


Right now, I’m feeling positive on what this year’s gonna give us all. Maybe this is what happens when you stopped stressing yourself about what’s the future instead of focusing on the present. Whew. I guess I finally learned my lesson. Thank God.


What’s next? I have to learn how to prioritize finishing my deadlines. I have a lot of things to do for Leo and Quico Vecin so I might as well focus on that too.


But one step at a time… one step at a time. :)

Exciting Year Ahead

Friday, December 27, 2024

A few weeks ago, we were told that there is a possibility that our unit will be merged with another dahil as the boss apparently said, “wala namang ginagawa `yang mga `yan.” And did it hurt? No. But did it annoy us? Terribly.

Of course, I can always choose to let it go. But I decided to take it personally because it challenges one major principle which I’ve long been holding onto: Productivity does not always equate to being seen as busy.

Okay, just a short story: People, in real life, knows how my leadership style is. While I am a professional yapper most times, I have often received feedback about how I just let my colleagues do their own thing to achieve the goals we set together. My style is I just lay out the plans, tell everyone what I want to happen, and then let them all take the wheel. And then, I’ll just be out there monitoring from time to time, making sure no one’s going astray and then throw out advices here and there.

You see, we were not given the most intelligent brains out of all creations for nothing. Human beings are born to think; and for us, who chose to stand as leaders, we are given the responsibility to hone and allow our fellow thinkers to be able to do so. This way, we can eradicate laziness and slacking - because trust me, in my years of leading volunteers, this is how I managed to encourage them to perform and commit even without getting paid.

Now, do I set a timeline? Yes! We all have deadlines. The pressure will always be there. But as I’ve said, if you allow people to think and do things the way they do; as long as they get things done, how they are seen during work hours should not matter. If my teammates prefer to act on the tasks at once and complete it earlier than expected, thank you! But if they prefer to cram and work on things last minute, as long as the deadline’s met, then so be it!

Many traditional leaders would think that this could encourage laziness, but honestly, this works well because I understand that it’s not all the time that people’s mind work at its best. We all have moments. We all have our downtime - and as a leader, I know fully well that I have to respect that. 

If the teammate eventually turns lazy and a task gets compromised, then that’s the time that I have to step up. After all, I’m the leader. I should know what to do in case things go south, and in fact, I should know even before things fall apart.

Going back… I’m not saying I am better than the boss who apparently accused us for doing nothing. It’s just that I cannot help but establish a point of comparison because I don’t feel like we were given a fair assessment, especially that for the past months, we had to settle things for the company on our own because we were left to fend for ourselves alone. 

As indignant as I felt, I still tried to look back to somehow try to understand where that kind of feedback came from. And looking at us from a bird’s eye view, yes, we can easily be misconstrued as slacking. We often go out for lunch, never had a dull moment, and are performing on other co-curricular activities for the company. So yes, it’s easy to judge and assume that we’re really not doing anythingwhen at work.

The thing is… it only means one thing to me: The boss (and all the other people who think the same) just does not understand the nature of our job. And as someone who should be on top of everything, that is saying something. 

This is not about defending our unit. This is more like expressing my realizations that there are still a lot of supposed leaders in the corporate world who think that productivity always equates to being seen as busy. To be honest, I don’t see them a leaders at all. They’re just that - bosses. 

It’s not our fault that we were a bunch of efficient office workers. It’s not our fault that we were trained well to complete tasks within the day. And it’s completely and downright unfair when we are judged of not doing anything when our jobs are totally dependent on our counterparts.

But are we slacking? No. We have side tasks, of course. In fact, we’re using this downtime to iron a lot of things out for the company. So to say we’re doing nothing basically raises a bigger question: Why doesn’t he know what his team’s up to? A leader should be on top of everything, right? Why isn’t he?

It’s 2025 soon and maybe I’ll carry this annoyance to the next year as a motivation to maybe, be a little louder with what we do. Maybe that’s the problem from our side - we tend to work things on our own and just keep people updated via emails and meetings. So I realized that maybe it’s time to put myself more out there and you know, present bigger evidences that we are indeed working. 

This is me being petty, I think, but I consider it necessary already. After all, a leader should know how to adjust - and yes, this is me promising to do just that.



How Do You Define Productivity?

Sunday, December 22, 2024


Kung may award ang pagiging reklamador, siguradong may Latin honor ako. Siguro dahil meron akong chronic fatigue (salamat, PCOS!) o baka dahil talagang mentally exhausted na ko, ayoko nang sumubok ng bago. Ayaw ko nang lumabas sa comfort zone ko at magsimula from scratch. Nakakatakot eh. What if hindi mag-work?


Ito yung mga tanong ko kung bakit hindi ako makapag-resign. Actually, nakakatawa nga, kasi when I revived this blog, I came across old posts wherein sobrang attached ako sa company ko. Well, in a way, attached pa rin naman ako ngayon. It’s just that recently, I realized that if I can find a stable and sure way out? I’ll do it in a heartbeat.


Why? That’s for another post.

Because for this entry, I want to talk about the fear of starting again.


Being someone who is never fond of surprises and generally, the unknown, mentally and emotionally taxing sa akin yung iisipin ko pa lang na magsisimula ako ulit. Kung aalis ako sa trabaho ko, I’ll have to go back to zero, build new relationships, and adjust to new sets of custom which may or may not be different from what I’m used to. Siguro ganon ako katamad? Pero I take it like it’s exhausting to, you know, invest again on new things kasi andon yung takot na pano kung hindi mag-work? Pano kung hindi ko magustuhan? Pano kung hindi AKO magustuhan? 


For someone who couldn’t even envision her future, ang galing ko mag-assume. Sobrang pessimism, actually, pero ayoko kasing isugal ang peace of mind ko.


But the thing is… if I continue to stay, am I assured of the peace of mind I long for? Kung manatili ba ako, makukuha ko ba eventually yung mga pinapangarap kong makuha dito? At this point, all answers are leaning more to “No” kaya nga buhay na buhay yung mga inhibitions ko. Masyado na kaseng nangyayaring hindi aligned sa mga napakatayog kong prinsipyo sa buhay, and it affects my performance and overall mental health if I continue to tolerate things that are against whatever I believe in.


Pero sabi nga, hindi naman ganon kadali na pakawalan ang mga bagay-bagay. I’ve been with the company for ten years in February and I’m left with two years worth of health insurance for my mom and dad. Sila lang kasi ang nagbibigay ng hanggang 75 years old and both my parents are 74 this year. So may konting benefits pa na need kong i-maximize.


But time flies. Kaya as early as now, sine-set ko na yung isip ko na in two years, I’m 37 y/o, I’ve got to go back to the wild and venture out on a different, and hopefully, a better adventure. Matinding mind conditioning kasi ang kailangan para hindi ako matakot. And maraming prayers and preparations para if I decided to put myself out there, may mga gusto pa ring kumuha sa akin.


Sabi nga sa picture na nakita ko, “It’s not hard, it’s just new”. Two years kong itatanim sa utak ko ‘yan na mapag-aaralan ko naman lahat. Ito ngang sa bangko, natutunan ko kahit wala akong kahit anong background sa numbers eh. Ngayon pa kaya na may 10-yr worth of experience na ko sa banking field?








It’s Not Hard, It’s Just New

When I had my one-on-one conversation with my boss, she asked me how I was at first. It was almost December then, and I was nowhere near okay. Naturally and embarassingly, my defenses crumbled down and I just cried in the middle of that busy coffeeshop.


I told her my story, what I’m going through. The hopelessness was evident but it made itself more felt when my boss asked how do I see myself in the future. Fo someone who always has an answer to every question and being so good with predicting what is going to happen next (thanks to my being so empathic) I was - for once - speechless.


I cannot see my future.

I cannot even attempt to envision one.


The sad thing about not having a vision of your future is the fact that that means you’re stuck in your past and present. So when I say I’m busy to think about what’s gonna happen next, it’s not on a superficial and cloutchasing level like office works or household chores. I am busy fighting and surviving today, so I can atleast have a chance on tomorrow.


It’s where the exhaustion comes from. People like me, we are not given a choice. We are instead given tasks which we have to complete. Else, it’ll be over for us and our families. We are never free because we cannot just think about ourselves. Our thoughts will always have to include other people who depend on us, who always hav to survive with us.


The heavy weight we carry is so depleting, that we no longer have the ability to see past through it. Believing that I have a future feels like a luxury I cannot afford at all.


But as I reset and refocus I realized that I actually can think of my future. I can dream. I can design it the way I want to… But for the longest time, I’ve been choosing not to.


Because I am afraid of getting disappointed.


Lifehas been throwing me under the bus for all of my life that I lost hope on it.My automati thought will always be “Why draem when I’ll get fucked up anyway?” I got so used to disappointments that I’d rather expect the negatives than pray for a positive outcome. It’s always what happens anyway, what makes me think I’ll get lucky this time?


It sucks to realize that it’s me who’s stopping my own self to dream. But it suchs more when I am easily overpowered by a premature conclusion that nothing’s gonna change.


But then it’s turning 2025 in a few days. Let’s see what the next year will bring.

Lost Will

Friday, December 20, 2024

 The recent attacks were grueling, and were becoming a bit disconcerting already. I might be having a relapse, but admitting to it could potentially cost me a lot.


So in an attempt to stray away from the thoughts and somehow survive, I decided to go back to do some resetting and refocusing. To do that, I was advised to go back to my roots - to activities I used to enjoy doing, places I used to find comfort at, things that used to bring me even the simplest of joy.


It's not that I didn't know what these were anymore. It's just that I could no longer find interest on all of them. For the longest time, after all, I have been walking aimlessly. I've just been living for the present, and if you've felt the same, you will know how difficult that is. 


But unlike the first time I hit rock bottom, I know better now. I am strong enough to no longer seek healing from other people because I know too damn well that their offers for help are superficial. It all ends when their comfort gets compromised. And dealing with people like me is uncomfortable. The words "I'm one call away" will always be conditional when told to me. It is never true. It is never meant. 




While it is true that it's okay to ask for help, I've learned not to expect anymore. That's why the effort to heal should start and end with me. Early on, I have to accept that I am alone in this battle and people are just by-standers either wishing me well or waiting for my demise. And no, this isn't some call for pity or to chase the clout. This is the reality.


And this is my motivation to fucking pick myself up again.


So I have decided to get back to my roots. Even if it means sacrificing sleep on weekends, walking distances to get to places, or spending money on fares and food... then so be it. 



Last December 1st, I decided to begin this journey. And hopefully, at the end of it, I will be able to carry myself to a future where I, myself, matter to me. 


It's gonna be a long, tough road ahead. I might break down, go back to zero, or try to give up again. But hopefully, getting back to photography and writing at the same time will convince me that there's something to look forward to.


And if there's anyone who gets to read this, I hope you continue walking with me on this journey. Because as much as I want to be alone, I want witnesses for when I finally win.

Refocus: We Begin Again

Thursday, December 19, 2024

I’m not gonna lie. I never thought I’ll go back to blogging again. In the age of vlogs, reels and TikTok, it was a bit farfetched to think that I’ll find myself reviving this account and writing my heart out.


But 2024 is ending and this year was all but comfortable, and for once, I wanted things to change for myself and I want to be better, so here I am, going back to what I’ve always took pride on - writing and photography.


I don’t know how to start at all.  During the last few months, it felt like the universe is already conspiring with fate to convince me that I have to take things seriously now - like I’m already thirty five and I just can’t continue being the angsty teenager that I am. I’ve blamed a lot of people, gotten angry with a lot of things, prioritized my ego and pride for the longest time — and where did it get me? To nowhere. I’m lost. I’ve nothing going on in my life. I haven’t proven anything yet at this point of my life. 


I don’t even have a dream.


So as 2024 ends and 2025 begins, I wanna go back to what I once was - free, content and positive. I can no longer see people hating me for reasons I don’t want to accept. And above all, I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I don’t want to live on self-pity any longer. I have to stop being this kind of person.


Will I be able to do it? I don’t know. But I want to keep myself in check. Otherwise, I’ll really grow old alone and lonely. And as much as I don’t want a family of my own, I don’t want that to happen.


I’m claiming all the positive things for next year at this point. God, take the wheel.

Reset

Sunday, March 25, 2018

I'm pretty sure it didn't make sense to many that I am doing the 40-day fasting for my faith (it's Lent!) but yeah, I am doing it and we're seven more days to the finish line.

To be very honest, I'm not comfortable with discussing this as I don't really flaunt whatever I do for my religion, but generally, it's about completely taking meat off my meals. And for someone who really loves meat, this is indeed a sacrifice.

And as much as it made me feel one with God somehow (I am not a good person, after all!), it did make me feel better about my body. Thirty three days - as of date - without beef, pork or chicken drove my body system into a rage against gluttony. LOL. I  mean, despite settling on vegetables and fish, it did made me feel lighter. I don't think I lost weight though, but at least, I'm feeling a lot more relaxed and swift with my movements, unlike before when I feel totally sluggish and lame.

Okay, so I know it's good but I'm trying something different on April. I'm trying the Ketogenic diet, so since I managed to take meat off my diet for more than a month, I can perhaps try to take carbohydrates off this time.

So this is gonna be sacrifice on a larger scale since God knows I totally love pasta and rice. :(

Good luck.


One More Week

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

I halted my gym training. My pneumonia came back and I seemed to have determined the cause why it wouldn't leave, finally. It's probably because I don't sweat that much in the gym. My mind will tell me that I am really sweating a lot because of my cold back but when I put my hands inside my shirt, there would be nothing. But the back feels cold and I'm guessing the sweat just don't break out and it dries up inside.

Ending? Pneumonia.

Severe coughs recently went back. I even had an attack yesterday and I thought there's no way out anymore. I just couldn't breathe. While many of my friends have been telling me already to go back to my doctor, time just won't permit me plus I need to put my mom first. She'll have to go to her gastro too and if she knew that I need to go to my doctor too, she'll end up postponing her medications. You know, mothers.

That's why I decided to just go back to what I know is effective to me: DANCING in a SAUNA SUIT.


Whenever I wear a sauna suit and do my stuff, I really tend to sweat a lot. That's why I opted to splurge on a suit worth 700.00 last Sunday and decided to try it this morning while learning to dance SNSD's THE BOYS. Tita's still sleeping on the other room so I can't really dance (floor's made of wood) so I just did the hand movements. hehehe.

Anyway, I look like a walking trash bag but it's okay lol All my windows are closed and door's locked. LOL. 



Day 3: March 13, 2018

Monday, March 5, 2018


So it took me four days to decide that I should get into the game again. Health and schedule permitted so I went with Jane and Emil again to the gym. Gil couldn't come because his brother met an accident and had to be sutured. #BrotherNaNurseDuties 

Anyway, Coach Joseph was there and told us to do the weight training instead of the circuit. Everyone's doing the same anyway. And it was exciting.

The routine was:
  1. DB squat - We held a 10-pound dumbbell and did squats 20 times.
  2. Plate raise - You should lift the plate and then rotate it to the left and right as if you're driving. This freaking felt like hell to the arms.
  3. Jump Squat - You clasp your hands as if in prayer and then you jump to land on a squatting position. 
  4. Mid Push-ups - You're on your knees, lying face down, propped on your arms, your feet raised and crossed. And then you do your push-ups. This is death, believe me.
  5. One-leg plank - You do the plank, your body balanced on your toes and elbow. Only, one leg is raised. 20 seconds. It was a breeze the first time, but was a total bitch the next.
  6. Dumbbell Row - Typical weight lifting. 20 times per repetition. Pain comes on the second time, I swear.
  7. Dumbbell Lift - You know the weight lifting competitions? You do that, only you don't raise it above your head. Plus, you keep your knees and your back straight if you can. It's the most fun for me, especially if combined with breathing exercises. If not done with the plank and push-up, I would have completed more of this, to be honest. It just have to be performed with caution as lifting is risky for the spine.
I did two reps. I couldn't finish the third.


We agreed to come back tomorrow night for the circuit and core training. So good luck. Argh. LOL

DAY 2: March 5, 2018

Thursday, March 1, 2018

It started as a joke between Emil and I, until it actually materialized; and just tonight, we enrolled in a fitness gym in Marilao Bulacan with his wife, Jane, and Gil. All of us driven by the purpose to actually (and for real) lose weight.


Pound for Pound Fitness is a relatively new fitness gym situated in Ibayo, Marilao, Bulacan. It is on the third floor of the building just beside BarKo and in front of the Marilao Fire Station. Very accessible as it only one jeep ride away from our houses. The annual membership fee costs 500.00 but you have to pay another set of fee for the training itself. So we opted to register for a month first so it wouldn't be too much of a waste should we decide to discontinue. lol. That's 1000Php so total damage is 1500Php. That is inclusive of an unlimited access to the gym and its facilities and services of a trainer.

I have to point this out though. This isn't a normal gym where high end facilities can be found. This offers circuit training so it will really pose an intense challenge to your stamina.



So as you can see on the photo above, the gym is quite small but there are these routines you have to perform on these obstacles (?). You jump, you run, you push a 45-kilogram metal stand, and more. Challenging? You wouldn't know what that means until you've tried this.


First, the trainer told us to jog first to sweat. Gil came late but he did the same thing anyway. LOL. After the warm-up, we had to do some more using the weights and plates. I don't know what the routines are called but they're no joke. For someone who had just came out of the hospital, the routines were very, very difficult. It was so difficult for me that I had to stop halfway through the training and go out of the gym to breathe. For the first time in so many years, I felt like blacking out because everything felt so numb and I couldn't hear anyone clearly anymore. 

I know it was absurd, considering I went there to improve myself, but I cannot die on the first day. So I decided to ask the coach if I can skip the other rounds and he agreed as he noticed my situation. But he told me that it's just a matter of conditioning my body. Once I've gotten it used to the training, everything will be easy. 

So I decided to give the second round a try and I did. I had to do some stretching and squats though so I can properly function. Hehe. 


I really thought I wouldn't want to continue but when I realized that I actually paid to do this, I just can't let that go to waste. Besides, I've got good company. What's there to think twice about?

True enough, it's all about determination. Like what I kept on telling myself when I was warming up, I will get to nowhere if I wouldn't be able to get through the challenges of weight loss. I guess, it's enough motivation that I really want to get fit and be thin again. 181 lbs. isn't me, after all. I'm so, so far from that.


***


My parents were wondering what made me decide to finally do this. And while I didn't give them an answer, I thought to myself that one of the main reasons why I got depressed was because of how I look like. So in order to step out of the darkness, I'm taking one more step into the light. It will be difficult, especially that I am undeniably busy and I've got lots of deadlines going on; but it will be fine. 

And in the end, it will all be worth it.

In order to motivate myself more, I've designed a tracker on my bullet journal. Every five pounds lost entitles me to a self-reward. First is a new printer once I hit 175 lbs. I'll keep this blog updated once I have achieved it. <3


Current weight: 181 lbs.
Goal weight: 135 lbs.




DAY 1: March 1, 2018

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Para sa marami, masaya kapag umuulan. Ang tunog ng bawat patak na nakikipagniig sa bubong na yero ng mga bahay-bahay, ang mapagpahingang samyo ng paligid dulot ng paghahalo ng tubig at lupa, ang malamig na simoy ng hangin na tila nagduduyan sa kanila patungo sa pagtulog ng mahimbing – lahat ito ay dahilan para sabihin ng marami na masaya sila kapag umuulan. Ulan ang nagsisilbing pagtakas nila mula sa kani-kanilang nakakapagod na mundo. Ulan ang nagsisilbing kanlungan ng kanilang mga pagod na puso. Ulan ang nagbibigay sa kanila ng dahilan para huminto at magpahinga sa pakikipaglaban sa buhay na mayroon ang bawat isa sa kanila.
Para sa marami, masaya kapag umuulan.
Para sa akin, hindi.

Sa tuwing yayakap ang dilim sa kalangitan habang ako ay naglalakad sa labas ng aming bahay patungo kung saan, hindi ko mapakalma ang puso ko. Ang bilis ng tibok nito na tila nagpapahiwatig na may hindi magandang mangyayari ang namamayani sa tuwing makikita ko ang mga tao sa aking paligid na nagmamadali, tumatakbo, naghahanap ng kanya-kanyang masisilungan, sakaling magsimula nang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan.
Hindi ako kampante. Hindi ako kalmado. Dulot ng ulan sa akin ay ang matinding takot na baka sa pagbuhos ng ulan mula sa madilim na kalangitan, lamunin ng tubig ang lahat sa aking paligid at tuluyan akong malunod…
Malunod sa mga alaala ng nakaraang hindi mawaglit sa aking isipan kahit anong pilit ko.

Ayoko ng ulan. Ayoko ng mga bagay na nagpapaalala sa akin ng nakaraan. Ayokong gumising sa umaga na matindi ang kabog ng puso dahil alam kong wala akong panlaban sa sakit na dulot ng tunog ng bawat patak, ng halimuyak ng paligid, ng lamig ng panahon. Ayokong makumbinsi na sa mga panahon na ganito, gusto ko ng kasama dahil ito yung mga pagkakataon na alam ko at alam ng Diyos na hindi ko kayang mag-isa.




For most times, I've always considered myself a disgrace. When you're suffering from anxiety and depression at the same time, such conclusion is never difficult to arrive at. I mean, it happens. I feel so lacking, so much like a burden to everyone I work with. Constant validations are a necessity and the paradox of my personality always demand to be felt.

It sounds like I'm so fucked up, but yes, I am.

But during times when life decides to shed some light on my darkest days, I just find myself feeling so accomplished. And then I just tell myself: "Hey, you're actually doing well."

For many, it seems so out of my character; but it has turned into a lifestyle - a major part of who I really am - from being a mere deviation from who I used to be. Fourteen years ago, I have started as an awkward, soul-searching teenager in a youth group in our parish until I became a photographer, a layout artist, an advocate of church cultural heritage, and then eventually appointed (unbelievably) as the head of a commission with sixteen organizations under its umbrella. That equates to almost 800 persons - of all ages - under my authority, my responsibility.

Whoever would think and say that it is easy deserves a good punch in the gut. The current parish administration had been spearheading a complete upgrade in the community since three years ago. And as we're dealing with traditional parishioners who have been so used to the olden ways, instigating necessary changes that would allow us all to keep up with the times, is totally daunting.

With this said, it isn't a question why I have expressed a million times before that I want to quit. Up until now, I am so convinced that the only way to get to live the life I've always wanted - free and self-serving - is to lose something I've always lived with: the church.


Friday, July 29, 2016

Lord, let me understand that I'm not the one needed; that in times like this, I'm not the one who can give comfort to an aching soul.

Lord, please let me be indifferent.

For once, take away this merciful heart so I can be fair to myself.
Please.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

It's been, what? Four months?

Four torturous months I have indulged myself in. Four long months I have wasted my life thinking I'm the only one hurting. Four long months I have just watched blindly how my world repeatedly crashed. Four months I have let myself be wallowed by self-pity because I was left alone, left behind, forgotten and set aside.

But now, I just want to say sorry, Lord. In the process of wanting to find myself, of trying to please others, I have forgotten You. I have set You aside. I have done to you what I believed was done to me.

I missed You. I missed what I was. I missed everything we all were, for You, in You. I missed what You were able to turn us to: carefree, united, one.

A lot of words had been said - both painful and vindicating. But I have chosen to listen to what will hurt me. And now, I have pushed not just the people I love most but also You. It was a choice of someone who got terribly hurt, but it was a mistake just the same.

I shouldn't have done what I did. I should have acted better. I should have picked up a better outlet. I should not have.. I should not have fallen in love.

 Truth is: I could say it's not a choice. You just feel that. But it had gotten destructive that it destroyed me, it destroyed us, it destroyed whatever I once was to You.

Because of the pain, I couldn't forgive. I kept on saying I'm okay when I'm not. I kept being a burden to people who just want me to be fine. And right now, I regret everything. I regret everything I have said, I have done, I have felt.

Because I had a choice, yet I didn't choose it.

I know I'm not the only who has a mistake here, but the bigger share is mine. And all I want now is to correct everything and turn things back to normal.

Because the people around me don't deserve it. Because as Your daughter who you love so well, I don't deserve this as well.

Acceptance is the most painful part, but I know now what to do. And thank You, thank You for reminding me that You are just one call away and that You never left.





Lord, I'm Sorry

Sunday, January 10, 2016

People who knew me personally would know what kind of a slouch I had been during the past holiday season. I didn't meet up with other friends. I didn't even send greetings to many. I refused to open up my circle like how I always did. I left behind ALL my responsibilities to escape. I was a total drag that I even forgot who I am and most importantly, what I am.

Serious things happened and I was brought down to my knees. I felt like every waking hour was killing me, as my thoughts went on rampage thinking about what could have been, and what I should and shouldn't have done. The what-if's brought me to distraught. Issues about family, work, church and personal life took its toll on me. And being the weak person I was, I found myself suffering from severe depression and anxiety.

What transpired during the past month was something I wish I could just erase from my memory and the memories of the people I've hurt in the process. I turned into a monster we were all escaping from. I turned into someone even I, myself, don't know. It was horrible: being in a place I called home and being with people I treated like family, yet feeling so all alone. 

To summarize, I scared people away.

It will be a disgrace to admit this but I actually tried killing myself. At first, it was just a process of self-mutilation, with my mind justifying that I just wanted to divert the pain my heart was feeling to a physical pain brought by the wounds I have inflicted on my wrist. It wasn't the first time I did it. But during the past month, I have actually considered doing it. I have thought of the possibilities, the repercussions, and I knew... I knew that if there was what I was looking for that night of January 1st, I could have ended everything.

Knowing I didn't have that and being a normally slacking person to buy, I couldn't kill myself. It was a shame as that could have been the last decision I could make and I chose to be lazy. Hah.

But thank God.


.
,
.

God....

Pondering on what really happened and connecting them to everything that transpired in the past, I have concluded that everything was a wake up call. Since November, God has been knocking on the door of my heart but even though I was serving in the church, I wasn't letting Him in.

To say it shortly, I forgot about God. I have turned into the person I abhor: a person who didn't know what she is serving for. I should have known. I should have understood. Had I did, things wouldn't have been this serious. If I only listened to His calls, I wouldn't have gotten lost.

Admitting to myself that I have wronged my Savior is worse than admitting that I tried committing suicide. For 13 years, I have held on to my faith and it was a very embarrassing thing to realize that one mistake had pulled me out of it.


.
.
.

When I was in the dark, I was told by a friend that in order to cope up, I need to find that one goal in life. I need to find what I really wanted, what my heart truly desires, and what I really need.

Because often, these three come in contrast.


But I knew my answers.

What I wanted: to get back on track with my best friend.

What I truly desire: to forgive myself for all the things I have done and for all the things the world did.

What I really need: God.




From this point on, it was like I've gone back to step one. My relationships with the people I love most was damaged and I just need to heal all wounds again. Right now, I've talked to my best friend and we've come to terms not to ever bring the issue up again. I haven't talked to the other two but I'm pretty certain we'll be fine. I just need to give them time and prove to them that I am indeed willing to change.




Because I have found my way back home now.
And this time, I'm no longer leaving.




















Thursday, November 12, 2015

No matter how much I try, I can't help but worry about what others think of me. After that major incident in the office last week, I reflected on my actions and realized that perhaps, what happened made the people around me see me in a different light. 

It was all too sudden. Emotions surged in and I couldn't help it. My words became blades, plunging disrespectfully on anyone I cross path with. I was hurt. I was humiliated. I was disrespected. And my fury blinded me that I ended up being that one person who did all those to me.

What made me different from those bitches? 

Right now, I know people think I'm such an immature brat. I don't think. I am disrespectful. I wasn't taught manners properly. Maybe, they're even thinking that at 26, I'm still a kid.

But feeling the need for some kind of retribution for myself, I have come to realize that no, I'm not immature. In fact, I have been so mature all my life. For such a long time, I have tried to bridge the gaps and differences each mistake had been bringing us all. I have set aside the piling frustration and disappointments and closed my eyes so I wouldn't see that amidst all the positive things I'm probably making up for myself to believe, something is wrong.

For such a long time, I have been treading on everyone's thinning patience. I tried to be as mature as possible. And last week, I erupted. I guess there's really a limit to everything. I realized that I can't always be the one who understands. I can't always be the one who just deals with everything as if it's okay. 

I can't always be the mature one. 


I don't honestly know how to feel whenever people refer to me as 'the kid'. But most times, I just let them get away with it. Because most times, those who call me that way just don't know even half of what I've been through. They don't know the need to be a child, simply because I didn't experience it that much. Responsibilities had been dumped on my shoulders even before graduation and there was no time to enjoy my youth. That's why I love being a kid every chance I get. That's why I don't always try to act maturely or always be so stiff and straight about everything in life. 

I need to experience how it feels to be young. 
Whether it's referred to as immaturity or not, please don't stop me from doing that.


Sunday, October 25, 2015

It's tiring being always the last choice, the final option, the one people will turn to when there's no one else left. It's totally painful being left behind, especially when people will constantly show you that you are not the one they want to spend time with, do things with.

Or maybe I'm just selfish.

Maybe, I just wanted the attention I know I deserve. I just wanted to be given the time I wish people will give me. Maybe I just wanted to feel wanted.

My self-esteem had hit rock bottom once again today and it makes me wonder what's wrong with me. Why is it that people always have this impression that I am not worth anything from them. What's worse is that most times, I feel taken for granted - looked for only when needed.

The pain strikes me senseless and honestly, it turns me into a more selfish human being. Maybe it's envy and jealousy that are driving me this insane, but for once, I just want to have that person who will give me full attention. I just want to meet that person who will be proud of me despite my appearance, my weight, my fashion sense.

Because I'm not as strong and independent as everyone think I am. I am depressed. I am frustrated. And it's all because people are always cautious of me, in a negative kind of way. It's tiring knowing that that is what others think of me.
I know the problem lies on myself. Who would want a broken soul with them? Who will want to carry the burden of fixing a life as destroyed as mine? Who would want to exert effort to change a hopeless case that I am?



No one wants to carry a liability.




And sadly, in the eyes of this world, I am one. 

Always the Last Choice

Monday, September 14, 2015

Familiarity strikes when I first saw you. The moment our eyes met, that moment when you sat beside me, I didn't know what my impression was. Clearly, you didn't make a good one. Your voice sounded judging, condescending - and I was then - and still am - a soul who takes each negative conclusion offensively. We didn't have a good start.

But time flew and right now, I know it's just not making sense. I have grown accustomed, perhaps; or I am just probably going crazy by the minute. I've started to enjoy your presence. I've started to cherish your company. How I feel so safe and secure with you around comforts me to no end. It was amazing, considering that I have long doubted male species.

You have granted me a favor by convincing me that I can still feel. Because of you, I have barged in through that what-I-thought-was-indestructible wall that separates me from the idea of good relationships with strangers. You have proven me wrong of the first impressions and had given me a good reason to start believing otherwise.

From your lips escape words that cradles me to the lucidity of my dreams. The way your touch feels so warmth against my skin rewards me with that longing of feeling that sensation again. With your presence, I glide with ease above the thousand needles that could have pricked my needles if I trudged. How you make me feel important, trusted and valued implores me to settle in a throne built by you alone - with much gratitude.

It's amazing how we started on the wrong foot yet here I am, finding the best part of the situation.

I hope this goes well.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

It has been long since I posted an entry on this blog. Work and real life caught me off guard that I couldn't even organize my thoughts to come up with a decent article. Responsibilities had taken its toll that whenever I get home, I just want to lay down on my bed and sleep the remaining hours of the night away.

But things happened and I just need to pour out my overwhelming gratitude. There are these overflowing emotions inside me which I just want to share with everyone. It may come off a little as a surprise but after years of striving hard to move on and let go, I think I am finally learning how. Truthfully.

Because after several years of trying to stay away from Cupid, I think I'm now re-learning the joy of falling in love.

After that one man, I thought I wouldn't find anyone else who could control me. I thought there would be no other man who would make me feel like I need to be better, like I need to be the upgraded version of myself. I know it's not reasonable to change because I wanted to fit in to what that person likes in a woman, but to be honest, it's just because I wanted to be worth it.

This one man's another challenge. I am once again trying to risk my sanity and my heart for something I've long wanted to feel. At this moment, I know I do not have even the slightest chance, but maybe... just maybe... it'll all be fine.

I wouldn't compare. The past owns a huge part of me and I wouldn't deny it. But life is finally giving me the golden chance to create a brand new story, to take on a fresh beginning, to try my chances anew. And I'm not that stubborn to refuse. I'm 26 and it's about time that I take relationships seriously.


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