Wednesday, December 31, 2014

In a few hours, the world's gonna say goodbye to 2014 and will be facing a brand new year. What we're living in today will be considered the past now and all that's left to do is to look forward to an amazing 2015.

To say that 2014 was easy is definitely telling a lie. At least to me, it marked itself as one of the most difficult years in my whole two and a half decades of existence. 2015 started off nice, abundant and fun until the second half decided to fuck up with me so hard. I lost my job and a lot of hurdles which challenged my faith, mental and physical strength, and my belief in myself came in after, and I was this (-) close to giving up.

But there is always retribution. Now that I look back on the past year, I have realized that while it was totally cruel, it made me whole. I feel like a sword in creation, that in order to be sharp and strong, I was exposed to the intense heat of fire. As it's still not enough, my blacksmith called 'life' keep on hitting me with a stone mallet so I can be shaped perfectly.

I know I'm nowhere near perfect, but at least I'm ready for battle.

Like I've always said, 2014 molded me into that one person I've always pictured myself to be. I have learned the real values of family, friends, and myself. I have known the joy of putting myself as my top-most priority although I doubt I can fully put it in practice in the next few years (but no regrets there!).

Without hesitation, I will admit that I have realized the mistakes I've been doing for the past years that's why nothing new happened to me. I have finally noticed just how stagnant my lifestyle is - always doing the same things for the fear of changing.

And now I'm determined to change.

I do not plan to list down my New Year's Resolution. I said I won't be thinking about even just one anymore. I just need to figure out what I really want to do and start on it because I want to and not just because a 'promise' in the beginning of the year is driving me. And you know what that is? To live in the present. 

During the mass this evening, the priest said God never wanted us to be sad. It's our choice to be happy so let's do ourselves a favor and accept that one vital ability we have always been rewarded with: the ability to be happy.

 The truth is I don't know to where 2015 will be taking me. Just as December started, I have learned to enjoy the beauty of impulsiveness and living in the present. And I guess that as we all venture into a new chapter of our lives on Earth, let's just be grateful and more appreciative...

Because the secret to real joy is just within us. And may we all find that deep inside this 2015.

Happy new year, everyone! :)

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Monday, December 29, 2014

We are all familiar to monopods, right? It is this stick where we fix our phones on so we can take good pictures of ourselves without having to exert too much effort stretching our arms just so we can capture nice angles. I don't know where it actually came from, but it did became popular in the Philippines a year before it took South Korea by storm. While it's called 'monopod' in the Philippines, the Land of the Morning Calm call it the 'selca-bong' or the selfie stick.



What's the connection?

There's this topic being talked about in South Korea today. It's the picture above. It seems like an ordinary photo, at first look, but when we pay attention to the fact that it's a self-taken picture dated October 1926, that's where everything becomes fairly amusing.

If you look closely to the image, the man has his hand out, holding a stick (the lengthy shadow). The note supports what the image claims. This drove people in South Korea to thinking that many decades ago, there was already a selca-bong.

 But now that I've thought about it, I think this is just a product of an amazing photoshop skill. Hah. I'm not dismissing the idea of course but 1926 doesn't seem like the year of timers on cameras, right? There are hand-held types already but I don't think it's that age already where these 'small' gadgets can actually be fixed on a stick, held by just one hand. Nope, that's not the way it is.

This picture might be real, or might be not. But whatever, it's amusing!

Selca Stick from October 1926

Friday, December 26, 2014

It was Christmas yesterday and as much as I want to talk about whatever I feel, how harsh fate had decided to be to me on that one special day, I couldn't. I couldn't fucking find the courage to talk about what I'm going through because I know that no one would bother to care. No one would actually listen without teasing me, without thinking that I'm just overreacting and without telling me that it's my entire fault for being stupid and assuming.

Believe me, I tried. I expressed myself on my Facebook account and Twitter but no one bothered to pay attention. Should I even try to tell people in person whatever I feel? No. I wouldn't want that. If they didn't bother to pay attention to what I'm saying on my private accounts, then why would they bother when I say it in person?

Besides, I don't think I'm really brave enough to admit not just to them, but also to myself that I am not okay - that I fucking want to cry and die right now because the pain is totally eating me up alive.

Fuck.

This feels like I've gone back to 2006 when I first learned that my almost boyfriend had gotten back with his ex-girlfriend. That was the biggest horror in my life, the one that triggered my fear. And then when I was starting to open up (after 8 fucking years), it haunted me again.

And you know what  made it worse? It had proven me once more how much of a loser I am. All these years, I've been trying to develop myself into someone people can be proud of, someone he can accept; but I guess, I'm just no one. I'll always be no one but that one girl who will always settle to the last position; that one desperate girl who will always say okay to all plans because her inner thoughts would always say 'being the last is better than being nothing at all.'

I guess I've gotten used to being rejected and put on the pitiful state already that I've realized why it's hurting a lot. It's no longer just because I'm jealous. It has turned into a more personal level. I am fucking in distraught because I am envious. I can't understand why others can get that one thing I've longed for for a long time while I couldn't find my own happy ending. I hate it that no one could accept me for who I am because Iam always that one girl who they can't see in a romantic light. I hate it that I'm always that girl who they can easily set aside for more important meetings with people they can actually see themselves together with.  I hate it how I'm always that girl they see as a either one of the boys or one of the guys that they don't see anymore that I am still a woman. I hate it that they think I'm so independent that they don't bother protecting me anymore. I hate it that they think I don't need any comfort when I badly need even just one person to tell me that it's okay not to be okay.  

I want someone not to  provide for me and ni buy me gifts. I just want someone to listen to my rants and still think I'm not a shameful person they cannot let others see them with.
I


I am scared of what I will be in the future. Because even though I always look fierce and very very negative about the idea of love, I still want someone to prove to me that I still can love and that someone can still love me in return.

Post Christmas Drama Because No One Wanted to Listen

Saturday, December 20, 2014

I’m about to admit something that sucks, something that I’ve been trying to really avoid and take no notice of. I could have just disregard it but it’s giving me too much burden so though I really don’t want to say it, I guess I really have to: I’m lonely. I’m depressed. And right now, I really want someone to hug me and tell me without words that I am wanted.

Loneliness is one of the worst parts of my being human. Despite my tough facade, I am a sensitive person who’s easily hurt by thoughtless comments and jokes. I am nowhere near strong. Although I pretend not to care, it kills me when I feel rejected by people I want to be close with, people who I wanted to be parts of my small and narrow world.

Not all my smiles are authentic. I guess I’ve been used to pretending that even I, myself, gets convinced sometimes that I’m truthfully happy even when I know deep down that I’m not. I’ve gotten used to making myself believe that everything’s okay even though nothing seems going my way, because I have no choice but to do so. It’s the only thing I can do, especially when I see myself trapped between two options that will both hurt me in the end.

Many people think that I’m just looking for attention, but who doesn’t need it? Who doesn’t want to feel wanted? Who doesn’t want to feel appreciated? There are different kinds of appreciation. I want the genuine one, from someone who can accept me unconditionally.

It’s hard to tolerate me. I’m not that woman who’s easy to handle. I am hard-headed, driven by stiff principles and that desire to always be different. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to feel like worth the effort and patience. All this time, it’s me who’s me who has been trying to please others just so I’ll be liked. In every compromise, I always receive the lesser part. I am always the one who forces herself to understand the situation.

For several times, I tried to be selfish - you know, try to do things the way I want to. But nothing worked out. In the end, it led me to my defeat, my doom. Funny how I couldn’t win at anything. How unlucky must I be?

Sometimes, I wonder what’s wrong. Often, I try to blame others for not understanding me. But as I ponder on it more, I realize that it all begins on the fact that I’m not good enough, that I can never be good enough. Because I don’t learn. Because I keep on looking for things the world insists I don’t deserve. Because I keep on wanting for things that’s not for me.

I just want to be like other girls. I just want someone to pay attention to the fact that I’m not strong and that I need someone to depend on, especially at times like now. I just want someone to believe that even though I’m not beautiful, I’m worth it.
Of course, I have friends. But there are emotions having friends cannot make me feel. And for once, I just want to experience that. 



Because no matter how many times I say I can live alone, God knows I cannot. 

Monday, December 8, 2014



For many of my camarero friends, a grand event to look forward to is the Grand Marian Procession in Intramuros, Manila. Happening every first Sunday of December, it is considered the mother of all of its kind in the country. Yearly, hundreds of Marian images are processioned around the city within the walls, in honor of the Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception - some even come from provinces.

It had been running for 35 years already and only now was I able to attend this prestigious gathering.
Despite the threat of Typhoon Ruby, I went there with Celine, Tina, and the altar servers of our parish. Honestly, I just went there in support to Louie and Frank who were in charge of the floral arrangement for the carosa  of Nuestra Señora, Estrella del Mar, (Pacheco-Estrella Family from Bagbaguin, Meycauayan City). Plus, I just wanted to take pictures.

But as soon as I got there, I knew I was in for something greater.


The IGMP Experience of A First Timer

Monday, December 1, 2014

"May nagbabantay sa`yong puting duwende."

The first time I heard this, I was in Grade 1. Mom told her friend (my then-teacher/librarian, RIP) that I've been taking care of a budding duhat plant in our garden. It was a typical conversation between two mothers about their kids until the fact that I am always transferring the plant to different spots yet it wouldn't die. Tita Glo then told my mom that that's because someone is guiding over me, protecting that plant that I learned to love so much - a white dwarf.

Mom told me about it. I remembered I got crept out. No one as coward as I am would want to be told that she has an unseen creature following her around, right? But Tita Glo assured us that the dwarf is nice, and that it's acting like a guardian angel to me so I need not to be afraid. That comforted me a bit perhaps, thinking that the thought was pushed behind my mind after then. Or maybe, I didn't just believe. I didn't hear about it anymore.

Until after almost two decades. 

It was a few months ago when I met Kuya Abner, a DCY officer from Angat who's working at the Diocese of Malolos, who told me all of a sudden that there's a white dwarf guiding me. It's very, very easy to say how I was so astounded because I couldn't even remember then when I last heard that. Sad to say, our busy schedules interrupted us and our conversation had to wait until last Saturday.

After his talk on VCY Meycauayan's BIG DAY, I finally asked him about it. He told me that a white dwarf is nice, very generous even. It is guiding me through my endeavors and that is why whenever I want something so bad, I end up getting it - because the dwarf is helping me. 

The only problem is my natural hostility towards a lot of things. The dwarf often tends to be the victim of my rugged attitude so Kuya Abner told me that I should be more wary about how I treat it. Although it had stuck with me since I was a child, I shouldn't still be taking it for granted.

Real talk. Lately, I've been pondering about how hostile I am. I don't like mingling with strangers. I don't like dealing with people. I want to lock my own world, allowing in only those people I like. But I guess I should now be more wary of what I do. Otherwise, I might be doing it to my dwarf again without knowing it.

This does lean towards favoritism, come to think of it. I might be tagged selfish going through this change in attitude just because I don't want my guide to leave. But then, there are things that start in the negative light. And then it grows to become something nice and good.

I might now want to meet my dwarf in person because of this pre-conceived notion about how they look like. But I want it to feel appreciated. I want it to know that I am thankful. And if I wasn't able to express it during my childhood days, I will now.



I hope I get to hear about my guardian angel too. :)


Ang Puting Duwende

Friday, November 28, 2014

It's normal for me to get a lot of things done when I'm in the mood like today, but it's exciting to note that after a long time, I got to feel really accomplished with what I did this afternoon. One little act, but it ignited the fire of hope in me that maybe, maybe there's still a chance for me to change.

I'm talking about saving money. Since I received my salary yesterday, I went to the mall this afternoon to pay my bills. Now, that is always challenging because I tend to get lured ALL THE TIME into an impulsive shopping spree whenever I go there - resulting to me, not being able to pay my bills on time. But the good news is I was able to suppress the temptation. That's one accomplishment!

Next thing, I went to the groceries because Mama wanted me to buy some ingredients. She gave me money, and normally, I would be careless enough to spend everything. But then again, I didn't; and it kinda astounded me to realize that I actually headed straight to the counter to pay after getting everything I need. This made me realize that jotting down a grocery list BEFORE I go to the supermarket is NECESSARY. Having a calculator with me is, too.

Finally, what made me feel so proud was the fact that I got to deposit my extra money in my account. Thanks to the deposit-through-ATM feature of my bank, I have found it exciting to actually put in my finances. No harsh lines and long waits like how it is in actual branches. I just need their special envelope and my ATM card. The downside though is that the amount won't be reflected on your balance until the next day. But that's okay. At least, I got to save my money!


Now, this may sound totally weird and so childish to fuss on; but you see, to be able to control myself from spending too much is one of my biggest dreams. To see my bank account with money to spend on myself, my family, and on emergencies has been in my bucket list for years already. And hopefully, I get to make it come true now.

Constantly struggling for the past six months just so I could have money to pay my bills definitely taught me the value of being thrifty. Due to the sacrifices, hardships and embarrassments I had to go through because I have no money at all had convinced me that never again in my life will I allow my account to go zero.

Now this is the plan: Whatever amount I will receive from this day onward, I will not use unless needed. I will make use of the extra BPI envelopes to actually stop myself from spending too much. And then everytime I get to collect decent amounts, I will head immediately to the mall to deposit the money through ATM.




I'm actually excited. I'm expecting a few more amounts to come this coming month so hopefully I get to stick to this whole ordeal. HAHAHA :)

Feeling Accomplished

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

One night, I was reviewing my photography basics when I came across one tip that would be the biggest push in my ability: MASTER THE RULES, AND THEN BREAK IT. It was a hilarious irony, for those who don't understand, but for those practicing photography, this is the golden rule.

That's why when I picked up Celine's Nikon D90, I decided to play along the motivation. And there's one thing I have totally put focus on: EXPOSURE.

They say that good pictures must have balanced exposure. Not too bright. Not too dark. When it's too bright, it's overexposed. When it's too dark, it's underexposed. That's why many people make sure that they do not go against the light when taking shots. Pictures must be balanced for the color to stand out. There should be enough light to enhance the elements, and this is perhaps one of the reasons why flashes and lights are incorporated in this art.

I once got into trouble with my grades in my photog class during college when I submitted an underexposed shot of glasses. Nevertheless, I got a 90, if I'm not mistaken. Sir DJ (+) must have seen the potential (or I'm just boosting my self-confidence here, idk.)

For years, I've believed that photos must be balanced. But maybe, it's just because it's the golden rule. However, this morning, I realized that I know already the basics about this aspect, and so I'm off to the next step: breaking it.

But of course, without the intention to stray away totally from the rule.

1/15 | f/4 | ISO 200 | Exposure Compensation: -2/3

The picture above was my version of an overexposed shot. I was lucky to get a glimpse of the sun through the leaves of our mango tree, and I thought that it would do a great subject. Generally speaking, overexposure charms me in a way I cannot fully explain. But trying to put it into words, I imagine overexposed shots as dreamy and fantasy-like. The light contributes much to the softness of the image that creates the impression of a beautiful and relaxing scenery.

To be honest, I attribute my interest towards overexposed photos to Nature Republic's shots of EXO. Someday, I'm gonna take pictures of people like that too.


1/800 | f/4 | ISO 400 | Exposure Compensation: -2/3

Now, this is my version of underexposure. Although I added that vignette style for added drama, the whole silhouette approach of the cross was because I had in underexposed. Normal people would think that this is not a good shot because you cannot see the elements in the cross; but I think there's nothing wrong with this.

Drama. Basically, it's what underexposure gives. If overexposure creates this surreal feeling, this one gives off the dramatic vibe - mainly the feelings of longing, sadness and despair. But then, it also exudes mystery and curiosity.

Personally, I think I'll love using underexposure for my portraits. It has always been my dream to take silhouette shots of people with the royal sunset behind them, after all. :)




I am not a professional photographer, but I'm sharing with you these tips. Or maybe, I just want to convince other people that going against the rules is really not that bad? I don't know LOL



Overexposure & Underexposure: The Thoughts of an Amateur

Monday, November 24, 2014


It's not a secret that I'm one of the busiest people in town during the preparations for the Feast Day of Christ the King. Teased as 'Hermana', I am one of those who had to exert 101% effort to get things done, to meet deadlines, to gather people, and to assure smooth flow of the whole event. It was like a practice for what I learned in college. It was an opportunity I have found to get myself go back to how I was a few years ago.

It was totally tiring though because only a few cooperates. It didn't help that I was constantly irked by people who didn't even know what they were supposed to do yet won't listen to my directions because I'm younger than they are. But I guess, there's not a single event where people like those do not exist. There will always be one of their kind.

Due to pressure and stress, I have even come close to giving up. I even told my mom that I don't want to do it anymore. I even fought with my dad because of my mood swing. But I knew I couldn't, I shouldn't... and I wouldn't.

Because I have taken the first step and so there's no turning back.

To be honest, I don't want to go back to the rants and complaints which came out of my mouth during the whole preparation period. The more important thing is screaming at my face, telling me that in spite of all the hardships and trials, everything turned out successful.

It's That Feeling Again

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Tomorrow, November 23, the Catholic Church will be celebrating the feast of Christ the King. Aside from being the highest among the religious feasts, it marks the end of the church calendar. Coming after it is the advent/Christmas season.

In the Parish of St. Francis of Assisi in Meycauayan, Christ the King celebrations are organized and prepared by the so-called Sub-Parish Pastoral Councils. And this year, the sponsor is Banga SPPC. 

And I came from Banga.

To be very honest, I never intended to take part in the preparation. I know how things work in this part of Meycauayan and I don't want to deal with the headaches that will come from the people I'm going to work with. Plus, no one's asking for my help. I don't want to come up rude (they'll take it like that) and boastful to offer my help. I'm just a child to their eyes and to them, I can do nothing.

Yet, the Commission on Liturgy in the parish decided that I should help. And so readily, I agreed. 

As expected, it wasn't easy. 

Working on this event for the past three weeks wasn't a walk in the park. I was exposed to the saddening fact that there are still people who don't know what they're here for and what they're doing despite being in this field of service for almost 20 years. It's very disgusting how politics still play an immense role among people who are supposed to come together as one for this event. And at one point, I really hated it that I thought of quitting.

But a friend made me realize that perhaps, this is like a starting point for the place I grew up in. Maybe, God made use of this event to tell the world about what's wrong, and propose solutions at the same time. Personally, this event allowed me to build up the courage I should have possessed when I was still actively serving in this place. It gave me enough strength to stand up for the rights of the youth, and (I must admit) to tell them that we can do it. 

As I look back in the past three weeks, I try to evaluate myself. And then I realized that I have come a long way through this opportunity to meddle with the decisions here. I have established an authority (don't take it wrongly!), established connections with a lot of important people, and gave myself the satisfaction of doing something big for Banga.

However, the greatest accomplishment (I hope it is!) would be the fact that I have managed to instill in the mind of the adults here that their youth has something to offer. There's not a meeting of ours that gone by that I don't encourage them to trust them. After all, BCY Banga is one of the most trusted and efficient sub-commissions in the parish. And I'm proud of them, really.

When I think about it, I'm doing this for BCY Banga. I want them to be recognized as an important part of the SPPC because they are! And personally, I think it's a way of making up with what I failed to do when I became their chairperson... and I hope that wherever Milton is right now, he sees my intention and become proud as well. :)

New Year's Eve: Happy Christ the King!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

I'm not gonna pretend like I know everything. I'm not gonna act high and almighty just because I know a little. I'm not that type of person who finds glory in popularity and fame. I'm never gonna be that person whose life is being run by the opinions of others around her.

Thus, I give no one the right to judge me for whatever I do. As I constantly say, there's not only one way to get something important done. Maybe for some, it applies; but for most, it doesn't. People must learn how to understand that there is a reason why the word 'plural' exists.

I am getting fed up being shouted at for being 'stupid' and for not knowing anything. I hate being the subject of backfights and baseless criticism from people who do not feed me. I am getting tired of seeing people slash on me for doing the same thing as they do. I hate seeing myself in some sort of competition I never entered.

Because I can never find comfort in the idea of putting others down just so one can stay on top.

No, I'm not gonna be like that.

I'm Not That Type of Woman

Tuesday, November 11, 2014


It was a few months ago when I took this picture. The Parish of St. Francis of Assisi had gone through a major change that was celebrated by a high mass officiated by the bishop. I can still clearly remember that morning when everyone was in the state of panic. The bishop had arrived, the mass was about to start. I was in front, ready with my camera, when I was called to the back. When I arrived, I was instantly handed the bishop's iPad Mini and was instructed to take pictures of him. I complied and then just when I was about to set it up, the bells were rung and the choir began to sing. The mass was starting.

To say that I was calm that very moment was untruthful. I was in a state of panic already when I got there and it doubled. I captured this shot without going through too much details with the gadget and my ordinary bridge camera. It didn't make it to the bishop's Facebook page. I should have known it was reserved for a better place.

Actually, it's not the shot that I'm fussing on. It's what I felt during those few seconds that I took this. I was tearing up. In joy, in contentment, in relief (because the two-week stress had finally ended), I don't know. But one thing was sure: I was grateful. 

To see beginnings had always been my simple pleasure in life. That's why I love weddings, pregnant people, the sunrise, and town boundaries. To know that something new is starting excites me so much because it makes me feel like there's another thing to look forward to. Hope's ignited and I guess, that's the best feeling of all. 

But circumstances happened and I guess things changed. I don't want to admit it but somehow, everything that unfolded since that day I took this shot had given me things to ponder on, to help me realize that at the end of the day, everything's still a work in progress.

Right now, the Christ the King celebration is fast approaching. And as I stare at the picture above, I just can't help but wish that I feel again what I felt that day. I want to tear up in joy because I was part of a heavenly service, because I was lucky enough to be given that opportunity, because I was simply there. 

I want to go back to that sincere individual who was just taking pictures of whatever that pleases her eyes during mass. I want to go back to that grateful little girl who puts her faith on topmost priority, who knows what everything is for. 


A Simple Wish

Friday, October 31, 2014

I promised myself that I'm not going to be a bitch anymore about falling in love, but what I had just experienced fucking terrified me to no end. It was a clean, non-perverted dream, I must insist, but it all felt so real that up to this waking moment, a part of me was wishing that it all happened in reality!

But no, it didn't. It wouldn't.

Hell gotta eat me up for this, but yeah, it shouldn't.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

So it's the morning of the 30th. I have rushed a design for the sacerdotal anniversary of our parish priest and I had to meet the officials of the upcoming Christ the King celebration we are all preparing for.

I'm not really feeling up for anything today, mainly because my head is hurting so much. It feels like half of my body's numb and it's probably because of my sleeping position last night. Sigh. The last time I felt so comfortable in my sleep was when we were at Lei's house.

Hmm. I think my thoughts last night carried onto today, contributing greatly to my current emotions. My stomach's churning, thinking about how to pay for everything that I actually listed several businesses I can start to somehow generate money. Thing is, I need the luck, capital and actual ideas to begin.

There is nothing to look forward to today. Maybe just the fact that Sean's coming over and we're gonna watch HORNS. I hope that little distraction would be fine.

I really want to be with friends, you know, KPOP stuff. I want to go back to actual fangirling without having to worry about anything else because I have a job that pays me.

Geez. When will I start moving on?


10.30.14

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

It's month-end once more. Although I have paid my bills already, I can't help but feel really worried because I have debts to settle and I've got no fucking idea where I should get the money to pay them. It's painstakingly difficult trying to make all ends meet, especially when I have no means of proper income the past few months. I have a few dollars left, courtesy of my cousin in Australia, but I am intending that for another business I want to venture out on.

So right now, I'm fucking freaking out.

Last night, Tito Lino told me to wait a little more. To be honest, I wouldn't mind because I trust him. I have a lot of tasks to complete in the church and I need to get it all done before I actually enter the world of regular employment once more.

But then, having an assurance from the president of the company I applied at still won't calm me down. At this moment, I am feeling so scared for my future and my family's as well. Having no job is like having no clear image of my future. It's hard to even just imagine and dream because I don't even know where I am right now, so how would I know where I'm headed?

Raking my mind for ideas on how to earn money and realizing how much of a burden I've been to my parents, I am pushed to the edge. I blame myself for not knowing anything about business, I swear. I blame myself for not being lucky. I blame myself for not being good enough.

But I need to try because there's no point in giving up. I have a family who depends on me. I have a family who needs me. They, after all, are my sole reasons to live.

Totally Scared

I KNOW. I KNOW. You guys are side-eyeing me because I actually wrote a KaiSoo fic and it's not like Gemini which is just bromance. This is yaoi, not smut though because I won't be able to take it; but pretty much involves a little fluff and romance.. and probably angst.

It's not gonna be anything major. I didn't even think too much about the scenes like how I always do with my stories; but I think this one does reflect actual raw emotions felt by real people in the very same setting I have placed them in.

The story is definitely something I'll want to make others read and appreciate, but I don't think I'll be able to handle any criticism for this one. The whole story is basically driven by a real-life happening which affected me as a person. It's a sensitive issue even up to now for me, so it kinda makes me scared of people who knows nothing but hate.

I'm in the midst of editing the whole story and I'm trying hard not to imagine the horror it actually carried, so shocks. I really need to publish it on AFF, right?



......

A KaiSoo Fic Coming

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Today, I feel like I've gone back to the past. I'm currently playing Shin Hyesung. I was just looking for WGM clips when I bumped into Andy's and then I realized how much I missed the older ones and then I headed to XMan days and then I remembered the comeback of S, and then I went back to Doll and then now, it's the Shin Hyesung song on my playlist.

Wow. Detailed much?

You see, there is one thing that I realized in this very shallow ordeal: you don't always forget your past. You don't always regret everything there. After all, it still keeps memories you would cherish forever. In my instance, I treasure the days when the Korean entertainment scene wasn't as chaotic as today's. I miss the peace. I miss knowing the real purpose of its existence.

When I got into KPOP on 2007, I wasn't entirely a newbie. I was so much into Korean dramas and OST's already and I could even play Endless Love (Autumn Story)'s theme songs already on the piano. I found these ridiculous boys called Super Junior and then I fell in love because you know, I might have been young back then, but I was already being annoyed by numerous problems. Super Junior, and KPOP in general, had presented me with an outlet, a portal, an escape.

But right now, it has turned into a world I would want to escape from. Every week, there's an issue happening. Fans fight among each other. Idols keep on lying. It's no longer the place I've known seven years ago. It has turned into an unknown dimension where pretensions, hypocrisy had spread.

Maybe you'll say I should just leave. The thing is, it's not easy. For how many times, I really wish I could but it would drag me back all the time.


Backtrack

Sunday, October 26, 2014

There are a lot of things going on but one thing's for sure, my capability to multi-task is once again being tested. After being told to organize the program and invitation for the upcoming Christ the King Celebration on November 23rd, I was also informed just this evening that I need to submit the drafts for the designs of the parish calendar for 2015.

Insert in between the different responsibilities on my business and sidelines. This is going to be a hectic month-end, for sure.

Geez. I feel so down though. I think it's mainly because I was at the church but I didn't hear mass. It was pathetic, I admit; but... okay, I've got no reason. I was just a lazy asshole earlier this evening that I didn't give into conscience when it was bugging me to attend the liturgical ceremony.

...

I'm in front of my PC, typing this entry instead of thinking about the design. Deadline's in a week. GOOD FUCKING LUCK.

Panic State #12351234172938571298376081234

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Just this morning, I woke up to a Facebook post of a friend announcing the death of one of her puppies, Chewy. Apparently, he drowned in the pool last night and the caretaker failed to notice him. I know that little bundle of joy, he's that one puppy who kept on trying to climb the steps into the house - sniffing the food we were cooking in the process. 

photo from Celine
The thought saddened me. I'm sure I'm gonna miss him in a way or another, especially when we visit to swim. But what aggravated me more was he reminded me of Luhan, my puppy who died because of distemper when he was still 4 months old too. 

Geez. I'm tearing up!



***



Nowadays, I have noticed the lack of interest of many people towards animals. In videos and even in actual social settings, I see people mistreating these friends and I just can't help but feel bothered and sad. Being indifferent towards animals is one thing, hurting them is another. I cannot tolerate both.

My blood boils at the thought that people abuse their superiority over animals to the extent that they think they own these furry friends' lives. They dictate these pets' fates, making fun of their existence, abusing their weaknesses. People humiliate animals, believing that they're just animals; and that hurts.

When I was in high school, we were taught that God had created humans in His own image and likeness. A given fact, yes. But along with that privilege, we were given the title of 'stewards of His creation'. That means as we were given lives, the lives of others below us are entrusted to our care. Meaning, we have the responsibility to take care of all His creations, and that include animals.

I've seen cats being thrown whatever just because they were there. I've seen dogs being slaughtered because some drunkards do not have something to eat during their drinking session. I've seen dogs tied outside the house during heavy rains. I've seen coaches indifferently hitting the dead-tired horses pulling their carriages just because they're not moving fast enough. I've seen carabaos pulling a freaking house; puppies in cages carried by their sellers like they won't get dizzy; and many others. 

During those times, I can't help but curse myself for being so weak. All I could stand up for was the cat thrown whatever. And doing so didn't even make sense because I wasn't able to stop the people doing so. 

And you know what hurts more? It's not the fact that these animals are powerless. It's the fact that they still try to find affection, love and care from people, despite the harsh treatments. They go back to people who abuse them not because they have nowhere else to go, but because it's their nature to be loyal to their masters. Funny, right? Animals are sometimes more human than humans. Sometimes, I wish we would all switch positions.

Sigh.
Maybe I'm just soft-hearted towards the weak. 
Maybe, I just understand that how we treat animals defines who we are as a person.
Or maybe, I'm both.



"Not to hurt the creatures brethren is our first duty to them, but to stop there is not enough.
We have a higher mission - to be of service to them wherever they require it."
- St. Francis of Assisi












The Article about Animals I've Long Wanted to Write.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Sooooo I've gone back to dieting. After going through limitless stress due to the church events and projects we did in the past few months, I gained back the pounds I lost and it even increased so I'm feeling a little depressed because of it right now, because dude, that's another hell to go through. :/

The motivation is the problem but I have decided to start again today. I got an oatmeal cookie for breakfast, a cup of rice and a few grams of boiled fish for lunch, and nothing for dinner. Although I ate spaghetti for snacks so I guess I've gone beyond the prescribed calorie intake today and that means, I failed the first day. LOL

But at least, I have started again, right?

In everything, starting is always the most difficult part. To convince yourself to do something you're never comfortable with is always so painstaking and annoying, but you just got to go on with it. Because once you've passed that stage, the succeeding challenges will be easier. Still challenging, but easier.

To keep me focused, there's only one thing I instilled in my mind: When you feel like you just want to give up, remember why you started. That's from Kai of EXO and it's just the best thing to think of whenever I feel like cheating on this diet and you know, giving up.

But why did I start?

Because I want to look good and feel good. I have nothing against people who promote the ideal that we are beautiful no matter how our bodies look like. I support that. But the problem is, I am not comfortable with this type of body. I am not really this fat. I have lived for a long time wearing what I want, showing skin, being myself. I hate it that I am no longer who I am before because I am fat. Although social acceptance does play a significant part, it's more of a self-issue which I want to resolve.

I am going on a diet because I'm no longer healthy. I cannot function properly. I can't even dance, for God's sake. Half of my clumsiness can be attributed to the fact that I can't carry myself well because of my weight. I am freaking 165 pounds, and I'm just 5'5, so that's clearly overweight.

And I hate it.

Being this fat made me lose my self-confidence and I want to gain that back by going on a diet. Although the definition of beauty shouldn't be based on how you look physically, it is a great contributing factor and so I need to work on that. People don't immediately judge your qualities because that's not always readily available for them to see. They depend on their first impression which is greatly dependent on how I look. Remember, people don't explore what they don't find attractive. And me being fat - having all my confidence taken away - is certainly not.

Shallow reason? No, I don't think so. It's just a matter of preferences. I want to pave way to my self-expression through clothes. I want to be noticed too. I want to be called 'beautiful' again. It's not because I long for social approval. It's because I want to earn the approval of my own self.

So let's go back to dieting. :) Wish me luck!

Back to the Game

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The year 2014 was supposed to be fun, exciting,  interesting and all. And actually, it is. However, it leans more to the interesting side because this year seems like a healing year to me. Yes,  healing. It feels like God had decided to recreate me and I haven't got a choice but to concede.

Kris and Luhan left EXO. Baekhyun announced his relationship. I lost my job on my birthday. Now, sungmin is getting married.

More than seeing these things in a negative light, I have come to realize that this is His way of cleaning me, of preparing me for what is about to come. I feel like He took away these things because He wanted my hands emptied so I could receive more.

If that won't console anyone, I don't know what would.

It hurts being away from the things you're used to. The job that fed my family and supplied our financial need and the inspirations that keep me going on with life - when I lost them all, I felt like giving up. I cried. I bawled. I got into depression.

But I have learned to trust God more and more. Now, I have understood the importance of other things than the ones I lost. Now, I have realized that happiness does not rely on my choices but God's for me.

2014 is yet to end...  Sigh.

God's Plans...

Saturday, October 11, 2014

I was asked this typical question this evening by a young friend. While my other friends were probably trying to come up with a good answer, I immediately replied it's a mere illusion. They cursed at me for not believing on it - throwing their replies which basically goes around the idea of it being forever. I smirked. It isn't eternal.

Many people are blinded by the idea of love lasting until the end of time when clearly, no human being is capable of giving that much. Only God can reward us with such gift. Love, like any other human emotions, fade. It's not permanent. At one point, two people in love will fall out of it and will go back to being platonic.

But you know what works? Faith and respect.

When you have faith on one person, you respect him/her. When you have respect, you believe in him. When you have faith and respect towards someone, it means you love that person. I really believe it's automatic. And that alone assures eternity. That alone assures forever.

I know I'm not a guru to say this. I'm just a mere 25-year-old woman who had a lot of experiences already when it comes to this field. Of course, I still need to know more. But right now, I am very firm on this.

We tend to worship the idea of love from other people. We tend to believe that it is more than it actually is. Love is love, and it is important; but without faith and respect, what exactly is it? Believe me, it's just a sum. Just a mere answer to an equation. It is just an illusion people create to have a strong excuse for (sometimes) feeling the strongest emotions - or having the most stupid ideas.

Am I making sense?


What is Love?

Monday, October 6, 2014

For the past three months, I've been working my ass off without stopping - in hope to find a good way to find sustaining finances, after being terminated from C&E Holidays without warnings on my birthday. In order to earn, I've decided to push through with all types of part time jobs and businesses, where I was required to eat my pride and instill in my mind that at this moment, this is just what I am.

I don't want to complain. I should not complain. But I need to admit and express that at the end of each day, I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm barely breathing. And I don't know if I can pretend to be alright and strong in the next few weeks.

I need a break, but for someone like me, I cannot afford that.


To be honest, I could have taken everything lightly; but it's just so disappointing and frustrating to realize that most times, I work for nothing. No, exclude the church works. I'm happy with that. This is from another thing which I thought was actually the best thing that happened to me ever since I was shamelessly ejected from my former Singapore travel agency company.

It's just that I feel so small. What was supposedly something big for everyone had reduced me into a tiny fragment I cannot distinguish. Who am I? What am I here?

Sigh.

Maybe I just didn't expect myself to be shouted at and blamed. And I especially didn't expect anyone to hung the phone on me when I'm not yet done talking.



And Tears Came Falling...

When fear overpowers the will to do something, it's either you succumb or you fight back.

I am in a crossroad right now. I do feel both: the desire and fear. But in a way, reality's leaning towards the second option more. I haven't gotten over the past, after all.

And the result?

I currently feel numb.

Numb

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


I know. There are some people who think that volunteering in the church is a light form of service. Many assume that since we're in the church and this is the House of God, filled with blessings and all, there's no stress and pressure in there. 

Twelve years ago, that was what I thought. Twelve years after, I realized it was completely the opposite.

Volunteering in the church requires one to know how to multi-task. There is not much people who would render their time and effort to something that won't pay them at all, let's face it. So it takes a whole lot of deal on knowing a lot of things to be fully effective in this kind of service. Of course, there's no preferences. Anyone can offer something they can do, but it's just good to know a lot of things.

Because serving in the church is a daunting task that most times, I need to stay up late to finish designs for tarpaulins which will be printed the next day. Sometimes, I even had to rush myself to come up with something within 15 minutes to beat the deadline. There are also moments when I have to cancel getaways and trips just to fulfill my responsibilities.

Talking with my friends, we often pull all-nighters just to prepare for big events - which are often planned and finalized a few days earlier. We're used to cramming and rush though, but still, not everyone can handle that, right? Also, we tend to release a lot of money while volunteering. When things have to be completed and we're short with money, funds come from our personal pockets. 

Now who said being a church volunteer is easy?

This is not - in any way - belittling the other forms of church volunteering. It's just that we have to clear the assumptions that people in the church are just laid back because money keeps pouring in from the donations and what-nots. It's not like that. 

To those asking why we're doing this, I can provide you with my own personal thoughts: We're doing this because we want to. This is our form of sacrifice, penitence, and compromise with God. We do this because we want to be forgiven, because we want to ask for something. Religious life, after all, applies the give-and-take principle after all. God surely can give us everything, but decent human beings know that we need to give God everything as well. 

Furthermore, serving in the church paves way to real friendship and family. Working in the parish and dedicating my time to my responsibilities allowed me to meet beautiful and wonderful people who are now huge parts of my religious life. And I'm just so thankful. Very thankful.

Who Said Serving the Church is Easy?

Monday, September 29, 2014

So two of my closest friends came up with something ridiculous. They think that I'm badly smitten, whipped, and totally on my knees. They think that I have already found a new person to dedicate my attention to. Yeah, they think that - as repulsive as it does sound - I AM IN LOVE.

But there is no way I am. Honestly.

I know myself and I'm not in love. I might be attracted, a little flushed that after a long time, someone has finally caught my attention; but that doesn't mean I'm actually thinking about being actually in love. With what I have gone through, it'll take a whole lot of deal for Cupid to trick me again. I've learned how to be elusive. And I've learned how to feel.

And right now, there's nothing more than just plain attraction.

These friends accuse me that I don't usually smile like how I do whenever they tease me; and okay, to that I'll concede. But the thing is: maybe I just missed the feeling of being teased to someone entirely new rather than getting stuck with the old story.

Sigh.

For the last time, I AM NOT IN LOVE.

Me? In Love?

Friday, September 26, 2014



OKAY! So this isn't really the final since there's gonna be a lot more to add like captions and other photos that aren't given to me yet, but as I've said in my Instagram account, it feels so surreal to hold an actual manuscript of a book I have designed, and taken pictures for. Knowing that it's going to be published sooner or later, it ignites anticipation because as soon as this gets done, I can proudly say that a dream came true.

Yes, it has always been my dream to see my name on a book. I have always wanted to put a book in my shelf and then show it to people, telling them that I took part in its creation. Ever since grade school, I've always hoped to publish something I did.

I used to think that this dream will happen with me as the writer. But the first step is not always what you expect. Sometimes, it's far better than what you wanted.

We're still halfway through finishing the book despite the deadline being just a week from now; but I already claim the pride. I have my shots here. I'm doing 90% of the book's layout. And most importantly, I have my name on the credits. That's saying something for someone who doesn't have much to offer, to be honest.

I know it's too early but I just can't help myself. I have created a manuscript, an actual manuscript, which is set for publishing. People are gonna buy the book we're creating. They're going to see what we've worked so hard for. And hopefully, they're gonna appreciate. I hope they do appreciate.



But let me tell you one thing: more than the pride of being 'published', the more important thing to me is that this book had provided me a bigger chance to do something I've always wanted to do, and that is to promote my province. Now, my objective has gone beyond La Bulaqueña.

Bulacan had always been a beautiful place but too underrated, especially for tourists. We have no beach to attract foreigners during summer, or extensive natural wonders to boast. But we have impressive churches and a real deal of historic and cultural importance; and I believe that's enough to take pride on.

This book is a simple one, but I hope it does strike readers where it should. I hope that through the simple write-ups and photos which we painstakingly put together, we get to nudge everyone's sleeping interest on our province awake. I pray that through the pieces of information we have decided to include in this soon-to-be publication, we can inspire and motivate many to visit a place that is actually more than what it's given credit for.

After all, Bulacan isn't just about crime incidents, smuggled rice warehouses, and natural calamities. It's more than all of that.

Dreams Coming True

Thursday, September 25, 2014


If I were to put into words whatever I feel, which term should I use? Elated? Fulfilled? Contented? Or perhaps... Sad? Disappointed? Craving for more?

I have just watched Rurouni Kenshin: The Legend Ends with my brother. It has just been released yesterday and I just couldn't let a week pass before I watch it for myself. No, this movie and One Ok Rock's new song 'Heartache' are just too good to fall into the pits of my mañana habit.

The film was everything it should be. The cinematography was, as expected, awesome, like how the two first films were. Applying the treatments and approaches used in traditional Japanese films really did wonders on what is supposed to be a difficult production. Personally, it appeals to me because it makes me feel like I'm really brought to this old Japanese era and where I become a first-hand witness to all the incidents that transpired in the movie.

I have to admit that there is a slight disappointment with the pace of the whole story though. Or maybe, it's just the fan in me that's speaking. The film had managed to ignite all sorts of interests in me and honestly, it kept me hanging that I wanted it to be longer. I wanted it to put more details like prolong the fight scenes between Kenshin and Soujiro; or explain some things like who the hell was that Buddhist priest Sanosuke fought (he's Anji, Sanosuke's master, by the way); and maybe they should have put more scenes for Yumi (Filipina pride kicked in, LOL).

Okay, maybe I'm just comparing it too much with the anime series.

But setting all my impossible demands aside, the film was indeed a major success. The casts were totally into their characters and I have to thank Director Keishi Ohtomo for bringing in these people together for this superb project. I am greatly inspired with how he directs his artists as I've watched in a documentary film about Rurouni Kenshin. In that short film, he revealed that he lets his artists embody the character they're portraying so that it comes out naturally. Coming from that, I think it's needless to say that Sato Takeru, Emi Takei, Munetaka Aoki, Tatsuya Fujiwara, Yu Aoi, and (especially) Ryunosuke Kamiki, and the rest of the actors were ALL amazing.

The whole staff were astounding too, I swear. Knowing how it works in the production industry, it is impossible to create such kind of outcome if the staffs were nothing; so let's give credits to the people behind the cameras, especially the production designers and make up artists. Gosh. I swear their choices inspired me a lot! 
Okay. Now, we're done with the technical reviews? Let's move on to something more subjective: my emotions.

I have watched everything, read all the subtitltles, witnessed all the fucking glory each scene had established. But at the end of the film, after Heartache played, I felt blank. Really, I felt like there was nothing, like I didn't watch anything. 

No, I don't think it was a bad thing. If it was, I wouldn't have had that urge to stay in the cinema despite being alone to watch it all over again. I guess, it's just a withdrawal from the truth that finally, I have finished something I've long waited for. I just couldn't believe it's all over that in the end, my mind probably refuses to accept that it already happened.

But as I walk away from the mall, I have concluded that it's not the end of the wait that disturbs me. It's the fact that Rurouni Kenshin: The Legend Ends managed to touch that one sensitive nerve inside me, and I didn't see it coming.

First, some scenes stirred my emotions. 
  • When Kenshin FUCKING cried. I couldn't feel anything but O M F G
  • When Shishio revealed what he wanted to the minister, I felt the sadness in him. I felt his reason. Suddenly, it was all justified how he became so evil; 
  • When Kenshin protected Megumi from the police, I just felt so empty that I saw myself wishing to have someone protect me that way; 
  • When Soujiro was having a mental battle against himself while fighting, I realized that that very moment, he was me;
  • When Saito was so mad because Kenshin went wanted, I immediately learned the meaning of loyalty.
  • When Shishio carried Megumi, I felt the need for sacrifice, but the downside of it as well.
  • The salute scene... It was just so filled with hope.
But if there's anything that really caught me off guard, it's the scene between Kenshin and his master; and this particular line: "Your worth is as much as others."



I swear that's where everything must have stopped. When I heard Kenshin's master tell that to him, my heart went into a thumping feast. Remember when I said I feel like I was there during the whole movie? That very moment, I felt like it was being told TO ME. I'm not exaggerating. I'm going through some personal issues and I guess that made me feel like Soujiro during his fight with Kenshin. Right now, my mind's a mess. Like I was slapped by the truth.



No, there's no way I'm gonna get over this movie soon. I need to re-watch it, with someone or alone. I prefer to do it alone though. I need to take it all completely. I need to really absorb the message this film is trying to tell me, and maybe accept it as my brand new reality.

This weekend, please.




Rurouni Kenshin: The Legend Ends AND WHATEVER THE FUCK IT HAS TURNED ME INTO

So my hands are currently full.

I'm working on the 2nd and 3rd chapter of the book. I need to be a good and hardworking daughter today because it's my mom's 64th birthday. And I need to atleast try to squeeze some three hours off my today's schedule to see Rurouni Kenshin with my brother.

But that doesn't mean I'm not going to pay attention to the highlight of my day: IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF THE NOVENA FOR ST. FRANCIS' FEAST DAY.

Last night was so hectic. Everyone was at the office, doing last minute preparations. The programme I designed arrived late so it made everyone feel panicky. Thank God, we managed to finish everything and I got to do teasers even, so it was all good.

When I woke up this morning, I really was feeling queasy, but in a good way. Maybe mixed with pressure, but still in a good way. I'm excited, even. I'm excited because after a long time, I'm gonna be able to hold a camera and take shots of the happenings around my favorite sanctuary.

To be honest, I'm kinda feeling nervous with this whole ordeal. The mass and novena was handled by Kuya Robby this morning so I'm hoping that the pictures will be uploaded soon, and then I'm gonna take charge with the poster making contest which will happen this afternoon. It's not something major for me to stay long, but I kinda need to be there still. Probably before going to the cinemas?

Another thing that quite makes me a little anxious is the fact that I might no longer know how to take proper pictures. Yes, I've worked as an amateur photographer for the book but I'm afraid that focusing on layout designs had robbed me my ability to actually see beauty in raw designs. Hopefully! And I hope Lu is still friendly with me!

Okay. So it has turned 8 and I need to get some things work done downstairs. I'm gonna clean the house and then move onto working for the book and then off to the church and then the cinemas.

Alright!

#PSFADuties: D-9

Monday, September 22, 2014

I have been reading an awful lot of arranged marriage fan fictions these days. Every night, before I go to sleep, I make sure I get to finish either a completed or still on-going story about two people put together for a lifetime commitment because of a business transaction. The idea, though a little old, is still fresh to me. Although most stories have the same plot, it's still convincing to me how love might work and create something between the two involved souls.

After every story, I just see myself crying to sleep.

Repeatedly, I come up with the same conclusion that the reason why I'm so into this genre of story is because somehow, I want that to happen to me too. From getting into an arranged marriage to the struggles of falling in love to the happily ever after. It is a surreal setting to me, a fantasy, but I want it to be true, still. I want to experience going through all that to assure me that love doesn't play favorites.

But then at the end of the day, the impossibility of it haunts me.

First and foremost, I am not a daughter of some rich CEO. Given that I am, I don't think my parents will ever sell me to anyone for the sake of money. And I don't have anything to offer. LOL I think I'll just end up being a maid to my 'husband' in case. HAHAHA

The point is... there's just no chance. I'm no dismissing it early. No one knows what life can bring to us for the future, but I believe in my instincts and I just don't know if there's any point in making myself expect that it could happen, because it couldn't, it wouldn't.

Going back to the stories, I often tell myself I should stop reading such. But as I think about how it's becoming an escape to me, I just found myself looking for some more with quality. I want to see how others perceive this concept of reality and how they fantasize about love, itself.

Yes, writing stories is not always bent towards reality. Most times, especially for those doing it with the KPOP fandom in mind, it's some sort of an outlet to let out those wild and fantastic imaginations about our idols.

LOL This article's not getting anywhere. Annyeong.

Arranged Marriage and What Not

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Although tired from one whole day of general cleaning to get rid of the aftermath of Typhoon Mario in our house and in the church, I should be wasted and exhausted right now. But no, I'm on my computer, working on the book which we're ultimately to finish on the first week of October.

Yes, that's pretty much suicide because on the first week of next month, we'll be celebrating the feast day of St. Francis of Assisi. Double work to complete both tasks properly.

So in order to do so, I'm sacrificing sleep. I know that after the book, I can get as much of it as I want so yeah, let me finish at least until the end of the Augustinian churches for Chapter 1 before I sleep. Hopefully, I can do it well so that we'll be saved from another set of revisions. .___.


No Sleep

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I am starting to get used to waking up early,  and sleeping early of course, that i just found myself right now watching Korean shows.

To be honest, I think I am now learning the importance of finding time for myself. And I have the drama 괜찮아 사랑이야 to thank for that. Hihihi.

However,  there is just one worry in my mind right now. I need money to pay for the bills this month. Where would I get that. The website hasn't been paid yet and the money I got from Google has been used up. :( Should I ask Ate Janna for the writeup payments already? Sigh.

I need to get a job already. The payment for the book we are doing won't come unless I literally finished everything. It is quite stressful since there was a major layout revision we need to do but nonetheless, I'm currently into convincing myself that I can and I have to get it done by Monday.

오늘은 목요일이다.. I have how many days left?

처음

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

There are actually a lot of things going on in my mind right now, about stories I wanted to write - all of which would want Han to be the main character. My brain is drowning in ideas on scenarios, dialogues, and plot twists that I couldn't write at all. Somehow, it all gets tangled up that I don't know anymore if the ends meet to actually create a nice tale.


Right now though, the thought above greatly inspires me to write even just a one shot before I head to Malolos this afternoon. The idea of bringing into life the girl the speaker refers to is seriously so tempting, but dangerous as well. Somehow, it scares me to start.

The problem is that I feel like I'm going to make myself delusional when I finally start writing this. Well, okay, that's the whole point of me writing stories - to make come true things I want to happen to me - but this is just pushing the limits. I fear that once I get to pen the plot, I'll lose my conviction again of learning how to be very independent.

You see, the idea on the text is practically what I want to hear from someone. I want to be that woman he's referring to. I want to be that one strong person he's describing. And lastly, I want to be that someone who he's willing to stand with. 

This prompt is like a wick to a dynamite inside me, a pin to my grenade. Should I dare touch the flame and risk it? Or should I just refuse ideas to dwell in me and regret never trying at all?

The answer's pretty obvious to me.

Fanfic Prompt: Luhan Story

Sunday, September 14, 2014

One of the biggest challenge for me as an amateur layout artist is doing huge designs. Once, I did stuff with 12-foot dimension and it made my computer crawl. Finding good HD materials is also quite a pain in the ass, but this problem's easily resolved, thanks to my background in photography and my lovely Lumix FZ150 camera.

That is why when I was told that I need to design a 10x10 tarpaulin for the upcoming fiesta, I felt like OMG again. But then, no part of me refused to do so simply because I love challenges and it's for San Kiko, so let my computer suffer. :p

Okay, so whenever I plan my designs seriously, I actually set objectives. I have discussed already that I want the designs to be catchy and convincing, to exude liveliness, so I came up with this layout.

It was quite difficult doing this design because the background's gradient wasn't actually a pre-designed one. There were several layers just to get that blue/yellow spread done.

And then I put San Kiko on a circle for emphasis and the banderitas were added to signify the fact that this is a Filipino festivity. :)

The pink and orange at the bottom came out of nowhere, to be honest. I just saw a design from the web with a similar style so I decided to apply it to test myself. Did I make sense?

Of course, the bamboos (kawayan in Tagalog) on the sides root from the fact that we are celebrating in Meycauayan. :)

There are quite a few revisions needed to be applied so I'm allotting a few minutes tomorrow to get this done. I'm quite excited for the printing of this design. I'll make sure to take a picture once it's up!



Actually, this is the second design. As a starting layout designer, I always do two designs because believe it or not, the second design always gets chosen. :p



#SanKikoFiestaPreps Entry No. 2: Designs 2.0

Saturday, September 13, 2014

I intended to blog about the preparations for the Solemnity of St. Francis of Assisi but I ended up writing the first entry just now. Loser much?

Okay. So first of all, the idea of keeping this blog (or maybe its readers, if there is one) actually came up when Yuxing unnie told me that I should start writing about good things. And right now, there's no better thing than the upcoming event in our town.

Every year, we take time off our busy schedules to make ourselves a lot busier to prepare for the feast day of our saint. Historically wise, we have all the right to do that because our church is actually the first church established by the Franciscans in Bulacan. There's a great history, proven by artifacts and religious evidences, and perhaps I'm going to discuss about that soon.

Going back: this year's the first time our new parish priest will be celebrating with us so it was planned to be grandiose and groundbreaking. Preparations have begun around three weeks ago, with me doing the designs for the official logo, programme, and souvenirs.

Right now, I have just finished the tarpaulin designs for the banners and schedules and I'm ought to submit it later this afternoon. The designs weren't much. It wasn't something I can really be proud of but it shows how I'm finally improving. Somehow, I got to stick with my initial plan which is to come up with a design that could basically gain attention from passers-by. I used the colors blue, yellow and other festive shades to exude liveliness and excitement, and maybe it's because I designed it, but seeing the design pretty much hypes me up.

I was given a three-day break by Kuya Luis so I can focus on the parish activities. I intend to finish whatever that's needed so that come Monday, I can give my full attention to the coffee table book we're trying to complete before September 28th.

On the 20th, the fiesta will officially begin with Lakbayan, a custom which was started to commemorate the story of the parish's establishment. It's a motorcade I've always been looking forward to because I get to do my job as the photographer while on a motorcade.

Speaking of photographer.... Can someone remind me to meet my team? We have a new addition anyway. Well, someone who volunteered to help, and frankly speaking, I'm kinda skeptical about his presence.

Oh well, I just need to be professional and put more attention to what I'm actually doing than who I'm doing it with, right? Tina's there to talk to him anyway. So yeah, good luck.

#SanKikoFiestaPreps Entry No. 1: Designs

Thursday, September 11, 2014

A lot of people think I'm just making excuses. They think I'm just making it all up to get attention, to escape responsibilities. But that's not the case. Whatever I'm whining about are all real. Whenever I say that my head aches or my body's faint or I'm in no condition to do something, they would just scoff and still force me to do what has to be done - simply because they don't believe that I am capable of feeling those.

I guess I've been too strong in the past that now, nobody would bother to believe that in actuality, I'm not.

Let's be truthful here. In the past, it's easy for me to deal with things like this. The pressure was nothing to me, albeit the rounds of bullying I had to go through. But after the accident where I almost died, things changed. I don't want to believe this but something had gone wrong inside my head that slowed down my comprehension. Remembering things has also become a problem to me that I wasn't even able to remember that it was my birthday until there's only three days left. Plus, it always hurt and I'm guessing it's because of the hard bump on the concrete floor when I fell down - head first.

Wow, it's the first time I'm discussing this on public. I've never admitted that there is something wrong in me for the fear that no one would believe. And judging from what's currently happening in my life right now, I think I made the right decision.

Because of these things, I found myself in total depression. And now, I understood why people should really take it seriously. Depression is not a choice, although getting out of it is. But no one just can't say no to depression - it's just about how you fight it.

I know I can defy it. But as I've proven recently, it's tough. Depression makes me think a lot of things I wouldn't have normally paid attention to if I'm feeling okay. I fear like I'm getting schizophrenic or something. When I was in Tagaytay, I was feeling suicidal. Images of me jumping off the nearby cliff or maybe slitting my wrist with anything sharp popped into my head and that's what scared me the most. But of course, people brushed it off as mere kaartehan because they think I was just afraid of ghosts. (Although yes, I chose to let them believe that way).

Fuck knows how much I'm suffering too. Right now, I just wanna die for being so mindless, inefficient and totally useless. I am always put on the wrong because of this and the saddest thing was I couldn't retaliate. I have no right to retaliate because I'm a decaying whatever. I have lost purpose and I just want to die.

God. If someone pays attention to what I want to say. If people accepts the reason why I AM NOT BEING EFFICIENT. If people could only understand that not all people are strong enough as others are merely works in progress... If people could only accept that depression is a serious state of mind and is not something to laugh about.


First Time Revealing These Thoughts

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