The only thought in my mind right now is that I'm not worth it. I'm never worth it.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
I can't say it was a good experience, but it turned out okay as it ended. It wasn't one of the memories I can treasure because of what happened and what I felt during my stay; but I'm still thankful nonetheless that I got to visit Tagaytay again after so many years, with the priests of the Diocese of Malolos.
To be honest, I'm not sure about the name of the place. I guess it's around something like St. Scholastica's? It's run by the Benedictines though, and I should have felt safe and comforted. But I didn't. But that's another story which I don't want to tell.
To be honest, I'm not sure about the name of the place. I guess it's around something like St. Scholastica's? It's run by the Benedictines though, and I should have felt safe and comforted. But I didn't. But that's another story which I don't want to tell.
I decided to dwell on the beauty of the place then, in order to distract myself. During the few times that I actually get to get out of my room, away from the things I was supposed to do, I really marvel on this beautiful chapel set in the center of the area. It's beautiful especially at night, when the lights are on. The Benedictine medallion in stained glass is illuminated, as well as the linings of the structure. The interior was awesome, but I was more astounded with the really, really flawless sound system! I just loved listening to Fr. Dennis' voice even while outside. Hehe.
I stayed with Marvin in the new building. Initially, we were at the 'dungeon' and I didn't like it one bit. The feeling was eerie there. And then after they left, I transferred to Luis' room and it was better there. I liked the area, plus there's internet connection. So I felt connected and safe.
So yeah, I didn't take a picture of my room because I was afraid something might come out from the image. LOL. And then there's these deer statues outside the dormitory which was a little crazy, especially at night, when you see them staring. But something comforted me. Deer = Luhan. Goodness. I really can't get away, can I?
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
I'm clinging onto that one last strand. I'm fervently wishing that I am given not a final reason to let go. I'm not ready, after all. Years had passed and I had repeatedly stated I've moved on but I've never been even a bit truthful - or at least, it was unconscious.
I'm trying. But apparently, there's nothing else now. It's no longer me. It's already him who's staying away, who's maintaining a huge distance between us. And I understand. I understand so well. It means I no longer need to exert effort. Because this time, it's his turn to do that.
Maybe he's just doing me a favor. Maybe, he's stopping me from falling in love with him all over again. And though it hurts more in actuality, I have to be grateful. I am actually grateful that at least, I wouldn't have any reason to stay anymore. I can quit wholeheartedly knowing that it's really dead end for me.
In the end, I lost. And whatever I'm holding on to for the past five years, I'm fully letting go.
Hopefully, this time's real.
I'm trying. But apparently, there's nothing else now. It's no longer me. It's already him who's staying away, who's maintaining a huge distance between us. And I understand. I understand so well. It means I no longer need to exert effort. Because this time, it's his turn to do that.
Maybe he's just doing me a favor. Maybe, he's stopping me from falling in love with him all over again. And though it hurts more in actuality, I have to be grateful. I am actually grateful that at least, I wouldn't have any reason to stay anymore. I can quit wholeheartedly knowing that it's really dead end for me.
In the end, I lost. And whatever I'm holding on to for the past five years, I'm fully letting go.
Hopefully, this time's real.
Friday, August 22, 2014
I am tired. No, it's not about my lack of sleep or the fact that I've been traveling a lot these days. I'm just emotionally exhausted. Very exhausted.
To be honest, I find it unfair. I'm doing every bit of what I can to forget and denounce the truth that I crave for emotional security and comfort. I bury myself on too much work, hoping to get distracted from all these anxieties - because it's getting more and more intense that it's beginning to scare me so much.
But at the end of the day, the truth remains that I'm a woman in need of a sanctuary where I can rest and relax and be myself again. For a long time now, I've been doing things for other people, forgetting the fact that I also have voids to fill in. I've been neglecting myself because I don't want to face the fearful possibility that I am meant to be this way. It's like I've been getting myself used to it because at the end of the day, it's going to be where I will be.
This sounds so degrading but isn't it better to start believing this now than to expect something that will never come?
My strength is a facade. I am a normal human being, vulnerable to pain and depression. I am not invincible. I am not a superhero. I get tired. I get exhausted. I need attention. I need care. I need someone to tell me "Hey, drop your sword for a moment and rest. I'm going to be the strong one for you this time."
I'm not asking for too much. I can always be strong for myself, but at this moment, I just feel so depleted and naturally, I need to recharge. But I cannot do that - not when there are people depending on me for their own lives.
I am stuck in a unique dimension where there are no options. I do believe in fate, and maybe this is mine. And I'm confused. I'm terribly caught in between. And I'm suffering.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
I was in first year college when I first created a Facebook account. That was around 7 years ago, when the site wasn't still that famous yet. I posted a picture of myself which I took when I was in some sort of an awarding event in my university. It was nothing extra-ordinary. I just took the liberty to snap a memory when I was wearing a nice dress in school.
The picture was just a simple one. I was just - of course - looking at the camera with a tight-lipped smile. It wasn't worth the attention of my friends, family, not even a stranger.
Until I was proven wrong.
One day, I opened my then-forgotten account and saw a notification that I got a new message. Wondering who it might be since I don't have any friends then yet, I opened it and learned that it came from a Chinese-American (I think?) who I don't know. His message was short, but it struck me deeply. This was what he said: You have very beautiful eyes. But they reflect so much sadness. I asked what made him say that. He didn't reply anymore.
I don't know if he's a bot, an illusion, or whatever. I just knew his words struck me deep. My eyes are the only part of my whole exterior self that I love. I always take pride because even in pictures, they look bright and dazzling (and I'm not the one who said that).
But this one stranger who came across my account on a social networking site managed to thwart that impression. He knew I was keeping something. And that's when I knew the eyes are really the windows to the soul, but only those who are willing to see through it can figure out what's really there.
Now that I stare at my picture above, I am beginning to understand what that person meant. And that left me wondering how the hell I'm going to change that.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
And that's the difficult part. Picking which way to go is like choosing between your mom and dad. For some, it might be easy; but for others, it's not. To others, their pasts and futures are definitely hard to let go.
To be honest, there's only one way to go: move forward. You can never go backwards because that would make your life completely stagnant, eventually useless. One cannot live in the past for so long. It is mandatory to move on.
But who said you cannot look back? In the Philippines, we have a saying that goes: Ang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, hindi makakarating sa paroroonan. (He who doesn't know how to look back from where he came from will never get to his destination) And I think it's right. We cannot discard anything that happened in our lives. Our past, no matter how dark it might be, will always be a huge part of our future. It will either be a reminder of what you should not do, or a beautiful inspiration that will push you forward. We shouldn't go back to it, there's no way we can. But at least, let's look at it from time to time.
Monday, August 11, 2014
오늘도 늘 그랬듯이
Today too, it's like that.
친구들 속에서 넌 환히 웃고 있어
With friends, there's an evident smile
모두들 취해 갈때면
When everyone goes drunk
그제야 조심스레 인사를 건네네
For the first time, we speak of greetings
아는지 혹시 날 바라볼까
Wonder if by any chance, you're watching me
언제나 이 자릴 지키는 것
Always, I'll protect this place.
눈부신 햇살처럼 따스하게 내리는 널
Like the dazzling sunshine, you're a falling warmth.
언제까지 간직하고 싶어
Forever, I want to treasure.
그저 흘러가는 저 하얀 구름들처럼 난
I'm just like those white clouds that are moving.
조용히 널 바라볼께
I'll silently watch you.
가끔은 뜻모를 나의 말들
At times, my words can't be understood
어쩌면 알아주길 바랬어
Possibly, I wanted you to know.
눈부신 햇살처럼 따스하게 내리는 널
Like the dazzling sunshine, you're a falling warmth.
언제까지 간직하고 싶어
Forever, I want to treasure.
그저 흘러가는 저 하얀 구름들처럼 난
I'm just like those white clouds that are moving.
조용히 널 바라볼께
I'll silently watch you.
쌓여가는 혼자만의 추억들
My sole memories that added up
널 그리며 견딘 하루하루
Everyday, I endure missing you
몇 번씩 기적을 바라며
How much should I wish for a miracle
서성대던 너의 동네 언덕
I'm pacing on the hill of your town
가까이 느껴지는 강렬한 불빛보다
Your intense glow that I can feel nearby
더 찬란한 너를 만질 수 있어
I can touch the more brilliant you
그저 흘러가는 저 푸르른 바람처럼
I'm just like that blue breeze that is blowing
난 언제나 널 기다릴께
I will wait for you always.
그렇게 널 기다릴께
In that way, I'll will wait for you.
Clearly, I have no idea if I got the right translation. I'm sorry if I didn't. I'm still learning my Korean language so excuse me for my mistakes.
Anyhow, it completely astounds me how I get to translate one whole song (albeit the discrepancies) when I know it will directly relate to me. How do I know? I don't know either. I just go by the feel.
That's one thing I've been trying to make idiots understand all this time. Just because you don't understand Korean means you don't have to understand their music. The best thing about Korean music is that they get to convey emotions even with the melody alone. Every beat, every rhythm - it all speak to your heart. It touches you.
Nowadays, a lot of people are so preoccupied with the thoughts that music should just be in a language they can understand in order to consider it a music. All this stereotyping makes me sick since day one, to be honest. Some people just don't understand, do they? And I pity them.
Now let's go to the song.
It hurts. Translating the whole Park Saebyul song was quite a challenge to my aching heart. I'm currently not feeling well and this adds to the situation and I just hope I'll get by the night without tearing up. A year and a day? How about me who's been in a pathetic position for more than five years already? LOL
Monday, August 4, 2014
I am a frustrated artist. I'm not a professional but I think I can draw and I know a little about sketches. I didn't know I can until I saw the practice artworks of Guillermo Tolentino at the National Museum when I went there last year with Lui. From then, I decided to indulge myself with pencils and the wonders it could do; but my busy life hindered me from this interest and now it's lost.
But I think I'm going back.
But I think I'm going back.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
It's 3:30AM and I'm waiting for my friends to fetch for another whole day of work around Bulacan churches. Killing time, I went online. After tearing up in frustration because of Sehun's glory, intense gratefulness followed when I read again Yuxing Unnie's blog... about me.
I have talked over and over again how I met her. It all started with Super Junior and the blog I ran about them. It was a casual virtual meeting between a blogger and a passer-by. I never thought she was willing to stay.
Everyone knows I'm not the type to pay attention to everyone. I have trust issues among strangers and I'm very strict with who I let in my life. To me, quality will always be over quantity. I don't care about having only a few friends as long as they're true.
But ironically, I have long concluded that building longtime friendships over the internet - with people you don't know personally, with people who you communicate with only through computers - is possible. I have proven that with Yuxing Unnie.
And now she's saying that I made a big impact in her life and I'm one of her biggest influences.
Dude, this girl must be crazy! HAHAHA
But seriously... I'm touched. I'm grateful. I'm overjoyed. I never talked about this and it may sound cheesy but she's one of the greatest sources of happiness I've met along the way. Everytime I feel like trash and worthless, she always comes up to me randomly telling me she misses me and she loves me.
If that's not a miracle to you, I don't know what that is.
She always tells people that I inspire her. And I don't know where that came from. Me? Inspiring people? I can already hear those who know me personally scoffing at that ridiculous thought. But then I guess that's what's her purpose is in my life. She was placed in my world because God knew I need someone to constantly remind me that I am beautiful and some people appreciate me the way I am.
Without questions. Without hesitations. Without demands.
And for that, I love her so much.
I have talked over and over again how I met her. It all started with Super Junior and the blog I ran about them. It was a casual virtual meeting between a blogger and a passer-by. I never thought she was willing to stay.
Everyone knows I'm not the type to pay attention to everyone. I have trust issues among strangers and I'm very strict with who I let in my life. To me, quality will always be over quantity. I don't care about having only a few friends as long as they're true.
But ironically, I have long concluded that building longtime friendships over the internet - with people you don't know personally, with people who you communicate with only through computers - is possible. I have proven that with Yuxing Unnie.
And now she's saying that I made a big impact in her life and I'm one of her biggest influences.
Dude, this girl must be crazy! HAHAHA
But seriously... I'm touched. I'm grateful. I'm overjoyed. I never talked about this and it may sound cheesy but she's one of the greatest sources of happiness I've met along the way. Everytime I feel like trash and worthless, she always comes up to me randomly telling me she misses me and she loves me.
If that's not a miracle to you, I don't know what that is.
She always tells people that I inspire her. And I don't know where that came from. Me? Inspiring people? I can already hear those who know me personally scoffing at that ridiculous thought. But then I guess that's what's her purpose is in my life. She was placed in my world because God knew I need someone to constantly remind me that I am beautiful and some people appreciate me the way I am.
Without questions. Without hesitations. Without demands.
And for that, I love her so much.
