I’m about to admit something that sucks, something that I’ve been trying to really avoid and take no notice of. I could have just disregard it but it’s giving me too much burden so though I really don’t want to say it, I guess I really have to: I’m lonely. I’m depressed. And right now, I really want someone to hug me and tell me without words that I am wanted.

Loneliness is one of the worst parts of my being human. Despite my tough facade, I am a sensitive person who’s easily hurt by thoughtless comments and jokes. I am nowhere near strong. Although I pretend not to care, it kills me when I feel rejected by people I want to be close with, people who I wanted to be parts of my small and narrow world.

Not all my smiles are authentic. I guess I’ve been used to pretending that even I, myself, gets convinced sometimes that I’m truthfully happy even when I know deep down that I’m not. I’ve gotten used to making myself believe that everything’s okay even though nothing seems going my way, because I have no choice but to do so. It’s the only thing I can do, especially when I see myself trapped between two options that will both hurt me in the end.

Many people think that I’m just looking for attention, but who doesn’t need it? Who doesn’t want to feel wanted? Who doesn’t want to feel appreciated? There are different kinds of appreciation. I want the genuine one, from someone who can accept me unconditionally.

It’s hard to tolerate me. I’m not that woman who’s easy to handle. I am hard-headed, driven by stiff principles and that desire to always be different. But at the end of the day, I just wanted to feel like worth the effort and patience. All this time, it’s me who’s me who has been trying to please others just so I’ll be liked. In every compromise, I always receive the lesser part. I am always the one who forces herself to understand the situation.

For several times, I tried to be selfish - you know, try to do things the way I want to. But nothing worked out. In the end, it led me to my defeat, my doom. Funny how I couldn’t win at anything. How unlucky must I be?

Sometimes, I wonder what’s wrong. Often, I try to blame others for not understanding me. But as I ponder on it more, I realize that it all begins on the fact that I’m not good enough, that I can never be good enough. Because I don’t learn. Because I keep on looking for things the world insists I don’t deserve. Because I keep on wanting for things that’s not for me.

I just want to be like other girls. I just want someone to pay attention to the fact that I’m not strong and that I need someone to depend on, especially at times like now. I just want someone to believe that even though I’m not beautiful, I’m worth it.

Of course, I have friends. But there are emotions having friends cannot make me feel. And for once, I just want to experience that. 

Because no matter how many times I say I can live alone, God knows I cannot.