It's ironically amazing how one mistake can lead me to this ugly situation. The whole night, I contemplated on what I have seen and what my heart made me feel; and tears just ran down my cheeks for the first time in months. I never expected that though. I thought all this time, I'm already okay and that I can handle everything well; but I guess that's just not the case. I'm still caught in this see-through titanium box of unrequited love and it's locked from outside so I'm trapped.

My heart reacted to pain involuntarily and now it's happening. The walls I tried to destruct are building up again on its own and more than ever, I'm scared. My safety switch is being turned on slowly without my consent and I'm nervous that it will lead me to the person I once was.

If this happened a few months back, I wouldn't have cared. But I've learned the enjoyed the freedom of feeling so open, of feeling so vulnerable to positive changes. I have enjoyed the life I lived outside the box, thinking that I was finally out of it; only to find out that I was just being fooled. I never got out. I never was freed. I had always been here all along, and I couldn't escape.

I hate it. I really hate it. But more than anything, I hate myself. I couldn't find my way out. I couldn't help the pathetic person that I am. And it hurts. A lot. Because for the nth time, it was shoved to my face how I could never ever get what I want. I will just have a taste of it, to tease me, to excite me, to make me believe that I could fly only to let me drop face-first on the ground. No one cares. No one appreciates. No one dares to love.

I'm a pathetic excuse for a woman, I've known that for a while. I can never be someone they want. And my heart knows it could only take so much. This has been going on for  years now, and I don't think it's healthy anymore. I might fool others, but how can I ever fool myself? I'm not okay. I'm not fucking okay. I just want to disappear in this world because I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I have nothing good to offer that would make people stay with me, that would make people want me the way I wanted. In every relationship, it's always me who's got to exert effort for things to work. No one will exert effort to be with me, because no one likes me.

I'm tired of being always left out. I'm tired of always being the first one to be set aside. I'm tired of never being the priority. And I think my heart knows that. My heart understands that so well that's why it's saving me from further pain.

I can't blame it. After all, the only one who cares for my well-being is myself.

Turning My Safety On

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• by Angel Aguilar
  Angel Aguilar

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When I lost my job, I expected myself to drown in misery. The directions I was trying to create for my life suddenly vanished and I wouldn't deny the depression I went through. It was horrible. It was so stifling that I spent sleepless nights. But I should have known that it wouldn't last long. A week, I spent nursing the negative emotions.

But God had plans for me, clearly. Beautiful plans, they are.

Just a few days after my birthday, I had this urge to go to church to help my friends there. I thought it would just be to pass time, but eventually it turned into a gorgeous distraction. An event was organized and being a part of it, I became so busy.

After the momentous celebration, I thought there would be nothing more to do. I was readying myself already to going back to that pit of self-pity and frustration when I received a call from Kuya Luis, the bishop's secretary from the Diocese of Malolos. I was asked if I they could hire me for a huge diocesan project which they will start on this month, as a layout artist. I immediately said yes.

No, it's not just about the fact that I will earn from this. It's the fact that through this project, I'll get to do several things I actually dreamed of doing, and still get paid. First, I get to know more about the history of the Catholic faith in Bulacan. Second, I get to go around the important places and churches in my province with other photographers. Third, I get to take part on a project that aims to promulgate the beauty of Catholicism in my place, and promote the cultural and historical value of these religious venues. Exciting, right?

We have had our meetings twice already, and I'm excited. Kuya Marvin said we're gonna start on August 2 and I guess I'll be very busy that time. I just wish I won't get employed yet because I really want to finish this. We have a week to do everything, after all. I wish my job, if ever I deserve the position on the bank I applied in, can wait.

As I try to imagine myself working on this, I feel extremely grateful already. I mean, this chance does not come to just anyone. It's a privilege, more than an opportunity; and I feel very blessed that I got to meet people who will help me find my way to this kind of profession. It's just overwhelming sometimes; and fun, most times.

But I guess, that's normal when I'm where I really belong. ♥

Where I Belong

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• blogger philippines Diocese of Malolos Parish of St. Francis of Assisi personal blog religious blogger •
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It wasn't the first event we did under the new administration. But why did it feel like so? I have personally heard the plans and witnessed the preparations; and actively took part on it, and enjoyed. so much.

ALL FOR THE GLORY OF GOD AND ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI.

Everything wasn't easy though. It made me question and realize a lot of things about myself, my life, my faith, and the people that surrounds me. Easy to say, I discovered what I need to discover and now I'm learning how to act on it accordingly.

But whenever I think of how much I have developed as a person and how much my faith and devotion was strengthened, all the pain I've went through for the past few days dissolve. The wounds brought by sharp words and unnecessary actions heal instantly. I become better.

I still can't forget how it made me feel when the Holy Mass began yesterday. I was at the back end of the church, just behind the bishop. I was holding his iPad Mini for documentation and suddenly, I just felt like trembling. As they walked to the altar, I stood there, with my hands shaking and tears welling up in my eyes. As Koro ni San Francisco accentuates the solemnity of the event with their orchestra-like arrangements, I had goosebumps. The church was packed. Almost everyone of the most important people were there.

I've never felt like in my 12 years of service.

Forgetting about my disappointments, that very moment I just felt like everything was perfect. Our dream of bringing back the glory of the Catholic Faith in Meycauayan had started and I just can't help but cry at how everything paid off. It was a rough start eight months ago, remember? And now, we've taken one step to victory. And I'm glad.

To be very honest, it will still be difficult from this point on. But I know it will be easier somehow. Because as I feel, we won't be working by ourselves anymore. There will be real help from people whose hearts the parish had managed to touch through their hard work and dedication in bringing back the glory we lost; people who managed to rediscover the magnificence of their roots in Meycauayan.

St. Francis of Assisi, bless us.

First Step to Glory

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• Bulacan Meycauayan Mons. Ady Vergara Parish of St. Francis of Assisi St. Francis of Assisi •
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I woke up with this usual churns in my stomach. It's a thing I've been experiencing since I lost my job, but to be honest, I know it happens now for an entirely different reason: EXCITEMENT. A lot of things had been happening - all directing me to happiness.

But let's not be general and just talk about the main thing I'm excited about right at this very moment: CHURCH. On July 13th, the parish I'm serving in will be taking a major step to formally introduce and solidify the presence of the new administration. Sorry for being quite vague but it feels like the prelude to the installation of our new fathers; coinciding with the opening of an improved house of God and of the people.

To be very honest, it's the fact that I'm part of it all that excites me. I don't need monetary payment for my service in the ministry. I just wanted to be part of whatever our church will be. I've always had a knack for history and I am thrilled to now be part of it.

It's very, very amusing how everything happened so fast. It's very, very flattering how our long-time dream was realized just within a few months. It's very, very overwhelming that we were believed upon, that we are even being encouraged.

Alongside the blessing of the parish church and the convent in St. Francis of Assisi Parish in Meycauayan is the opening of our dream: Museo Parroquial de Meycauayan. In it, we will display the treasures we in CCCH have been taking care of: the records from centuries ago, the documents which clearly explains the history of our parish, the antique things which can support the glorious existence of our faith since God knows when.

I'm excited. I'm gonna blog more about this as soon as I can. Right now, I'm very busy with the layout designs and the restaurant I'm trying to establish. :)

D-2

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So I lost my job, right? And I kinda went through intense depression for the past few weeks. It wasn't easy, after all. It was beyond difficult. The anxiety which I refuse to pay attention to manifested on my sleep - and my health - and it was not good. I even had to cut my hair short, so you know the severity of the situation.

The only way out back then was to find a positive reason why it happened. There has to be one, right? There is always a reason for everything, after all.

Again, it wasn't a breeze. Finding the good side of the most depressing things is something not everyone can do. Good thing, I can; and I have friends who can too. That's why they helped me.

As I was thinking about my life, a friend offered me a job immediately. But I had to refuse. I don't want to go back to writing yet because I need to move. Maybe, I'll go back to it once everything's settled, but definitely not now. I had to apologize and reject the offer. And there was no regrets.

Then, another good friend told me to apply in the bank her father's working in. I did. I had an interview last Saturday and I'm kinda passing it up to fate whatever that should happen. Let God's will be done, and not mine.

As I ponder on what more I can do, I stumbled upon the idea of my dreams. And to be very honest, it's happening.

Maybe, God took my employment away because He wanted me to start on what I really wanted to do: open a Korean restaurant. And right now, I'm starting. With the capital given to me by my cousin in Australia, I am now on the first phase of working on the reality of my aspirations. I have found a place. I have formulated the menu. There are a lot of other things left undone, but with God's help, I can make it.

Also, I have received an exciting message from a Korean-focused website, asking me to write for them. This is writing, but you know? I'm writing about Korean drama filming sites. I AM GOING TO WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING I FREAKING LOVE SO MUCH. Don't you think that's a blessing? Although I can do this with my employment, nothing beats the idea that I can focus on this well!




And lastly, we're busy in the church. The timing's very perfect. There will be an event on July 13 and we have less than a week to prepare. I THINK THIS IS THE BEST REASON WHY I LOST MY JOB OKAY. God wants me to focus on Him. Who am I to say no? :)

I Found My Reason

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It was my birthday when I received the termination letter from my boss in Singapore. According to him, the company was failing and the finances are unstable so they had to terminate my contract come the month-end. As I was reading the letter, I was shaking uncontrollably. Suddenly, all dreams came crumbling down and I was instantly slumped in depression and disappointment. Tears were non-stop and it hurt double because it was supposed to be a special day for me.

Such kind of reaction was very natural. Being the sole breadwinner of the family, fear easily overwhelmed me. Where will I get the money to support the family? How are we going to survive our daily lives knowing that the pensions of my parents will never be enough for our monthly consumption?

But aside from those worries, I was also anxious about my dreams. Immediately, I have convinced myself that I couldn't dream anymore. I was stripped off such privilege again and it depressed me so much. I felt robbed. I felt pushed to the deepest pit of nothingness. I felt so useless.

For two weeks, I was completely lifeless. I wake up everyday, do the usual things I do, and try to convince people - including myself - that I'm okay. I tried hard not to think of the problems that eventually, my whole system went on a natural shut down that all the negative effects manifested during my unconscious. I mean, I do sleep a lot after I got the news, but never once did I feel relaxed. My thoughts are a mess too so it was quite difficult to create big decisions, as it may not be a good one in the end.

But then, I realized that it has got to end. It was beyond difficult to pick up the pieces but I knew I had to. There's no one to do that for me. I wasn't one of those very lucky ones who have back-ups whenever life fucks them up big time. I am my own existence. I have always been alone when dealing with my emotional issues; so it just got to be me alone who can pull myself out of this misery.

I have decided to try once again what I've been taking pride on since day one: my ability to find the positive things on even the most negative occurrences. And though it's taking me a while, a part of me is now leaning on the idea that God must have really wanted me to start on designing my real future.

As I let depression swallow me whole, I realized that I really wasted three years of my life being stuck on a 'comfortable' job. I feared pain and stress so much that I got contented on a stagnant life. I had no future with my past employer and God must have wanted me to know that. That is why He took away this job and led me to another.

You see, my birthday wish was to be able to find my dream; and on my birthday, I was terminated from my work. Now that I've thought of it, God really answered my prayer fast. He even made me realize what my dream was actually, and I think that deserves another blog post to be discussed.

I have accepted this as the truth: God emptied my hand to give me something better. And tomorrow, I'll be going on a job interview in Ortigas. I have submitted my application to an emerging bank and hopefully, I'll do good in the exam so I can land a position.

Plus, I'm working on the opening of my canteen where I can sell Korean dishes for affordable prices. This is one of my top goals in life and I'm really excited because I'm halfway through the planning stage. If God permits, I'll be opening the venue by end of July or mid-August.

To be honest, I am afraid. Straying away from something I've been very used to is difficult. I've always feared adjustments after all. But I think God wants me to realize that I can never surpass one thing if I don't want to accept changes. I need to learn how to adapt to everything as I pursue my goals. And hopefully, I can start developing myself now that I'm finally understanding everything He desires for me.

Losing My Job To Find Life

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• by Angel Aguilar
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