Thursday, November 12, 2015

No matter how much I try, I can't help but worry about what others think of me. After that major incident in the office last week, I reflected on my actions and realized that perhaps, what happened made the people around me see me in a different light. 

It was all too sudden. Emotions surged in and I couldn't help it. My words became blades, plunging disrespectfully on anyone I cross path with. I was hurt. I was humiliated. I was disrespected. And my fury blinded me that I ended up being that one person who did all those to me.

What made me different from those bitches? 

Right now, I know people think I'm such an immature brat. I don't think. I am disrespectful. I wasn't taught manners properly. Maybe, they're even thinking that at 26, I'm still a kid.

But feeling the need for some kind of retribution for myself, I have come to realize that no, I'm not immature. In fact, I have been so mature all my life. For such a long time, I have tried to bridge the gaps and differences each mistake had been bringing us all. I have set aside the piling frustration and disappointments and closed my eyes so I wouldn't see that amidst all the positive things I'm probably making up for myself to believe, something is wrong.

For such a long time, I have been treading on everyone's thinning patience. I tried to be as mature as possible. And last week, I erupted. I guess there's really a limit to everything. I realized that I can't always be the one who understands. I can't always be the one who just deals with everything as if it's okay. 

I can't always be the mature one. 


I don't honestly know how to feel whenever people refer to me as 'the kid'. But most times, I just let them get away with it. Because most times, those who call me that way just don't know even half of what I've been through. They don't know the need to be a child, simply because I didn't experience it that much. Responsibilities had been dumped on my shoulders even before graduation and there was no time to enjoy my youth. That's why I love being a kid every chance I get. That's why I don't always try to act maturely or always be so stiff and straight about everything in life. 

I need to experience how it feels to be young. 
Whether it's referred to as immaturity or not, please don't stop me from doing that.


Sunday, October 25, 2015

It's tiring being always the last choice, the final option, the one people will turn to when there's no one else left. It's totally painful being left behind, especially when people will constantly show you that you are not the one they want to spend time with, do things with.

Or maybe I'm just selfish.

Maybe, I just wanted the attention I know I deserve. I just wanted to be given the time I wish people will give me. Maybe I just wanted to feel wanted.

My self-esteem had hit rock bottom once again today and it makes me wonder what's wrong with me. Why is it that people always have this impression that I am not worth anything from them. What's worse is that most times, I feel taken for granted - looked for only when needed.

The pain strikes me senseless and honestly, it turns me into a more selfish human being. Maybe it's envy and jealousy that are driving me this insane, but for once, I just want to have that person who will give me full attention. I just want to meet that person who will be proud of me despite my appearance, my weight, my fashion sense.

Because I'm not as strong and independent as everyone think I am. I am depressed. I am frustrated. And it's all because people are always cautious of me, in a negative kind of way. It's tiring knowing that that is what others think of me.
I know the problem lies on myself. Who would want a broken soul with them? Who will want to carry the burden of fixing a life as destroyed as mine? Who would want to exert effort to change a hopeless case that I am?



No one wants to carry a liability.




And sadly, in the eyes of this world, I am one. 

Always the Last Choice

Monday, September 14, 2015

Familiarity strikes when I first saw you. The moment our eyes met, that moment when you sat beside me, I didn't know what my impression was. Clearly, you didn't make a good one. Your voice sounded judging, condescending - and I was then - and still am - a soul who takes each negative conclusion offensively. We didn't have a good start.

But time flew and right now, I know it's just not making sense. I have grown accustomed, perhaps; or I am just probably going crazy by the minute. I've started to enjoy your presence. I've started to cherish your company. How I feel so safe and secure with you around comforts me to no end. It was amazing, considering that I have long doubted male species.

You have granted me a favor by convincing me that I can still feel. Because of you, I have barged in through that what-I-thought-was-indestructible wall that separates me from the idea of good relationships with strangers. You have proven me wrong of the first impressions and had given me a good reason to start believing otherwise.

From your lips escape words that cradles me to the lucidity of my dreams. The way your touch feels so warmth against my skin rewards me with that longing of feeling that sensation again. With your presence, I glide with ease above the thousand needles that could have pricked my needles if I trudged. How you make me feel important, trusted and valued implores me to settle in a throne built by you alone - with much gratitude.

It's amazing how we started on the wrong foot yet here I am, finding the best part of the situation.

I hope this goes well.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

It has been long since I posted an entry on this blog. Work and real life caught me off guard that I couldn't even organize my thoughts to come up with a decent article. Responsibilities had taken its toll that whenever I get home, I just want to lay down on my bed and sleep the remaining hours of the night away.

But things happened and I just need to pour out my overwhelming gratitude. There are these overflowing emotions inside me which I just want to share with everyone. It may come off a little as a surprise but after years of striving hard to move on and let go, I think I am finally learning how. Truthfully.

Because after several years of trying to stay away from Cupid, I think I'm now re-learning the joy of falling in love.

After that one man, I thought I wouldn't find anyone else who could control me. I thought there would be no other man who would make me feel like I need to be better, like I need to be the upgraded version of myself. I know it's not reasonable to change because I wanted to fit in to what that person likes in a woman, but to be honest, it's just because I wanted to be worth it.

This one man's another challenge. I am once again trying to risk my sanity and my heart for something I've long wanted to feel. At this moment, I know I do not have even the slightest chance, but maybe... just maybe... it'll all be fine.

I wouldn't compare. The past owns a huge part of me and I wouldn't deny it. But life is finally giving me the golden chance to create a brand new story, to take on a fresh beginning, to try my chances anew. And I'm not that stubborn to refuse. I'm 26 and it's about time that I take relationships seriously.


Monday, June 15, 2015

It's still the same. Our lives are still intertwined and fate still dictates that we get back together, in any manner possible, during the most trying times in my life - or at least that's what I believe. Somehow, it's that kind of set-up that sparks the idea that maybe, I'm still not over anything; or maybe everything's just coming back.

But as I ponder on it more, as I reminisce the way I felt protected and cared for, the way his hand held mine... I realized that it's no longer about love. It's that longing feeling, that intense desire, to feel something that strong again.

I just want to love again. 

However, it's not in the choices of people like I am. What do I have against the reality that in this world, it's the physical looks that matter? As one Facebook post pointed out, no one falls for the personality at first sight. It's just either you're beautiful or you're not. There's nothing in between.

The more I think about what happened that night, the angrier I become at myself. Because at the end of each day, as I have no one else to blame, I get mad at myself for being like this: for being so incapable of making someone fall in love with me.

I guess there really are two types of people: attractive and repulsive. Judging from how I'm looked down on by others just because I'm overweight, do we even need to point out which category I am in?



또 사랑하고 싶어...

When the day has ended,
                   what happens at night?

When the laughter had died down,
when the world turns into quiet,
                   what happens at night?

When absence began to dominate,
and there was nothing else but your thoughts,
                    what happens at night?

When you had your back against comfort,
as you finally try to close your eyes
                                                     and your heart -
                     what happens at night?

After even just a moment
of my presence in your life, tell me -
                 

                     what happens at night?





* I got the phrase "What happens at night" from Mr. Byun Baekhyun: Untamed,
one of my most favorite Baekhyun-centered fanfictions in Asianfanfics.com

What Happens At Night?

Sunday, June 14, 2015

There are words I couldn't say, things I cannot admit. It's not like I can't at all. It's just that I've chosen not to express it even in the slightest manner. I am not in the position to tell you these things, nor has the right to feel this way, so why bother? Why complicate things?

Saying the words I couldn't say is as good as admitting that these thoughts are true - that I am, once and for all, in love with you. It won't be fair to myself to be this honest because I'm still in the phase of battling with my own emotions. Love is a great feeling but whenever it comes to me, it never is.

These words I couldn't say will perhaps be kept in my mind forever.
There's no point telling these words when I know for sure that it will not be appreciated, nor even just replied to.
Because these words I couldn't say are nothing, particularly because it'll come from me.


The Words I Couldn't Say

Monday, June 1, 2015

Meycauayan has a rich religious culture. As it basically gives home to one of the oldest churches in the country founded by the Franciscans, the town's reputation as a core of Catholicism in Bulacan cannot be set aside. The moment the Franciscans landed in Bahay Pari on the late 16th century and planted the seed of faith among the people, this place had indeed marked its name on the history of Bulacan.

Having given this kind of introduction, I have presented a concrete justification as to why I am so proud that I am a parishioner and a server in the Parish of St. Francis of Assisi. As one of the oldest churches in Bulacan, it then follows that the parish boasts of incredible traditions which had been in practice for so long - until modernization of society took over and cultures were either forgotten or lost.

I've always believed that history is an essential formula to a successful community, and this applies to our religious beliefs as well. In order to bring in more people to the church, it is important to instill that sense of pride among them. And how do we do that? By making them see what had been in practice through actually reliving the past.

That is exactly why the Committee on Church Cultural Heritage of the parish is tirelessly working to bring back the glory that was once ours. We continuously spearhead projects that would enlighten people today of the incredible truth that Meycauayan still has something beautiful in it. We make sure that all our projects would lead to the achievement of one ultimate goal: to convince everyone that Meycauayan - amidst all the political issues and controversies - is still worth it.

The recently concluded Flores de Mayo had probably been one of the most eye-opening events we've ever handled. There were challenges, conflicts, problems, but all of those are nothing compared to the kind of appreciation we receive from the people. Hearing compliments of how smooth the flow was (albeit the annoying problems in the beginning) and how organized it had been, I couldn't help but feel so flattered.

No, it's not because I'm one of the head organizers of the month-long event. The pride honestly comes from the fact that all the stress, heartaches, disappointments, and all else had actually paved way to the possibility of making a difference. Witnessing people appreciating what everyone did was an enough indication that religious traditions can be relived, and the community can once again participate.

I know it's not going to be easy continuing what we have started, but we at CCCH will take it step by step. Judging from the plans laid out on me last night, we're going to be aggressive in pushing our cause. 

Because we all know that it's about time we bring back what's rightfully Meycauayan's.





Bringing Back the Glory of Meycauayan

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Please don't do this to me, I plead you. 

Don't take my hand to leave me in the middle of nothing. Please stop making me feel like there's something when we both know clearly that there's none. It's not fair. You're not making any sense. Please stop treating me like I'm someone special when I know that there's no other person who wishes me to stay away more than you. 

Please don't do this to me, I beg you.

I'm not as strong as everybody think I am. I think twice. I waver. I'm not as firm with my decisions as I always make myself to be, because truth is: I am liking what you're doing. I am beginning to love how it feels to have you around, and I fear that I'm getting used to it again.

Please don't this to me, have mercy.

I am in no position to push you away, nor am I in the position to cling on to you. But you are making it seem like I can do both. 

Please don't this to me.
Please be fair.


Please Don't.

Monday, May 18, 2015

I'm running around in circles and it's getting more and more difficult. Everytime I see you, a battle inside me happens that I couldn't quite figure out what to do. Ridden by guilt or driven by conscience, I don't think I can ever understand just what I am supposed to do with you around.

You're difficult. You constantly push me away but when I'm ready to take the steps on my own, you'll pull me back aggressively. If that is not unfair, I don't know what is. Unconsciously or not, you're playing with my emotions that I'm now a whirlwind of uncertainty.

I want to ask you to stop doing this to me, but I know I'll miss it if you don't.
See how crazy I have become now?

Monday, April 20, 2015



It's like it's just a few months ago when we were made godparents of Amara Venice, the daughter of May and Van. We saw the kid grow up especially because Van fed us with updates about her constantly. She has always been beautiful, sweet, witty and totally intelligent. She's the type of girl who'll make her parents and godparents really proud.

And yesterday, she turned 7 years old; and a party was held at Jollibee Sangandaan.


I decided to come.



It has been three long years since I last attended a get-together with BLAI, my friends from college. So imagine the worry when I stepped into the venue. Of course, Van was the first one to meet me there. And then Bongs and Emman came, followed by Gelo, Bobot & Joel (her boyfriend), Brando and Mayaine & Fam. Byunjun and his girlfriend came last. Regene was supposed to come with me but cancelled last minute. Bembs did the same. Lawrence and Glen said they couldn't come too.

Honestly, I thought it was going to be awkward. A lot of things had happened in the past and I thought we still won't be able to get over it. Yet we did. And the endless reminiscing of the past and updates on each other's lives are proofs to that.

To say I missed them is an understatement. When we were taking pictures at the booth, I just felt home again - like how I always feel when I'm with true friends. It warmed my heart knowing that these people still accepted me after my long hiatus - without questions, without doubt. And whenever they say that they're happy I was there, I just knew it was sincere.

They love me. And I love them back.




Many say that people who had been friends for seven years will most likely be friends forever. I got close to them on 2009, just a few months before Amara was born. Now that she's 7 years old, we're also celebrating my seven years of friendship with them.

Following the logic, my friendship with them is gonna go on for a very, very long time then. :)


Seven Years

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Yesterday, I almost lost myself and broke down in the office. It was embarrassing, trying so hard to keep everything inside me. There was no way I would be talking about how I feel to people I barely know. Thank God, there was internet connection and Luwi was online.

It is never a problem to me whenever people in higher positions would reprimand me for doing things. But when it all becomes a different thing when I'm accused of doing something I didn't do, and would never do.

Yesterday kinda struck me hard. It was all so sudden. I didn't expect that coming. Immediately, there was only one thing I thought: do these people really think I'm such a lazy ass? It was terrifying trying to figure out the answer; because I don't want to be judged prematurely.

I know myself more than anyone. I know I'm not lazy when it comes to things like work. If possible, I would settle everything on my own, in a day - because that's how I had trained myself to be. I am a fast learner and I do things fast. Accuracy might suffer in the first few tries but it gets better, I swear.

But that very moment, I was made to feel like I'm such a good-for-nothing person. The words, though simple as they were, cut deep in me that I felt like I was sliced open. I know it was a joke, but coming from someone with position, I'm not an idiot not to know that there's something else on it.

I couldn't talk back although it helped that I was able to defend myself. But then, that didn't change a thing.

That's when all the horrors of my mind went back. All this time, I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to take it slow because I'm still learning. Damn it. That's the point. I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS. I am fucking adjusting but I was judged nevertheless.

I could talk about a lot of things on why I appeared as such, but I'm not wasting my time. People believe what they want to believe. My words will do nothing so once again, I chose not to speak and I will choose not to speak, because it won't make any sense. I'm used to this set-up anyway. Others won't believe me because it's me telling them things, so... okay?

Anyway, I'm okay now. I'm pretty sure the tension had subsided already.

Although frankly speaking, I really might be writing another rant post when I get the chance.

I'm A Fucking Work in Progress, CALM DOWN.

Sunday, April 12, 2015



Last night was memorable. I was already preparing to sleep when Sean called me at around 9:45PM to ask if I can still go out. They had set an unplanned drinking session which is set to start at 10PM. As I have been craving for alcohol since after the branch opening, I immediately called mom to tell her I'm going out. Sean then picked me up and together, we went to Marvin's house, where Lyndon, Ajhay, and Allan were already waiting for us. Ralph came afterwards.

The moment I sat down, Marvin spilled on the kids. He said the boys were excited that I was coming because someone's gonna cook for them. Sean must have thought the same that's why he insisted that I come. Come to think about it, that could have come off as annoying, but it didn't. Rather, it sounded funny to me because these guys actually think I cook well.

I know they were just getting to my good side but I still can't help but feel appreciated. So in the end, I really cooked for them after looking through Marvin's refrigerator. I came up with fried hotdogs, onion rings, and an impulsive stir-fry sesame spaghetti.

I am not pretending to be a chef but somehow, I take pride on the fact that I can whip something up out of what I am given. Sometimes, I wonder if I can join Master Chef actually. Haha.

But no, let's not dwell on that. Let's dwell on the fact that everytime I am on a drinking session with Marvin and these kids, I always feel grateful that I can cook. Because as everyone knows, I'm quite the spoiler and it makes me feel nice that these boys are happy when they eat what I made.

You see, cooking for people is nerve wracking. It may sound ridiculously simple but it gives me intense satisfaction to be told that what I cooked tastes good. It fires up the pride in me. It gives me self confidence. It convinces me that there's another thing that I can excel at, that there's another thing I can be proud of.

Food is always a sensitive subject. To me, it requires perfection - because food is just either edible or not. No in between.

That's why I never refuse to cook for these boys. It's because they always make it evident that they appreciate my food. I know there might be times that they just don't want to hurt me, but as I can read people, I know those kinds of moment are rare.



And for that, I'm elated.







Why I Love to Cook for the Ponti Servers

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Time check: 4:38 AM. I am gonna get left alone at the teller's station later so I need to extend myself for major presence of mind later but sleep is probably not coming back soon.

Because right at this moment, all I'm thinking about is Oh fucking Sehun.

This is getting scary. I love Luhan, that i know, but Sehun got me hell-bound. While Lu allows me to feel inspired all the time, the youngest ignites that strong instinct to protect. And fuck am I so helpless.

There is no point denying that all this is fresh to me. When I thought I had invested all kinds of emotion on Super Junior already, Sehun fucking proved me that there is still more beyond that. All of EXO did, and it terrifies me a lot because I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that.

Sehun is just too special though. The way he carries himself might be an epitome of an oh si fucking temptation but when you look closely, he is just this kid who just wants to live the dream with his co-members. While he might appear like a happy go lucky guy, I know deep down, he's one of those who value the group so much.

Sehun was the first person to react when Kris left. Remember that question mark post? But not everyone knew that Sehun was also the first to react on Luhan's departure, right? A week or two before the news, he unfollowed everyone on IG. That dropped the clue that something was wrong.

Where am I getting at? To the fact that Sehun is a vulnerable human being who looks so strong on the outside but is a complete marshmallow on the inside.

Sehun is such a sweetheart. He has a heart of gold like Kai and Yixing. He knows what he's doing and that allows my heart to rest. Knowing that he's okay is enough for me to feel relaxed that he's not going anywhere.

It's 4:56am. I'm not making any sense. I'm gonna delete this in a while anyway.

Oh Sehun thoughts at 4:33Am

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I am a very useless daughter, a good-for-nothing person. I'm a very stubborn, boastful and obnoxious girl who couldn't give respect to her parents even a bit. I'm that one person who always think she's above everyone else. I cannot pay respect to my mother and father because I'm that evil.

And I am at fault.



Now, it was made clear to me why I've been very nervous these past few days. I thought something wrong's gonna happen and it did: in the form of a revelation that my father is really mad at me. If you ask me though, it's like he hates me to the bones because I didn't turn out to be what they expected me to be.

It's because I answered back. And that's my worst mistake, I believe. I answered back when he was shouting right at my face due to something I refused to do. It was respectful but while I won't defend myself, I just have to explain that it was instinct that pushed me to do that. I was being shouted at: something I hate so much. His eyes were wide open in anger while screaming at me, and it was... scary.

This might be the first time I'm gonna explain why this hurts me so much, so I hope I'll be able to put everything into words. I hate people screaming at me and it's because everytime they do, I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like I still don't have a say on what I do despite all things I did to earn that kind of self-respect. It was like everything I've tried to work for gets down the drain.

A little background: I was bullied when I was a child. I was always left alone. Naturally, I tried to blend in but I guess I overdid it (or people just took it wrongly) and so I suffered the consequence and the situation worsened. This is the reason why I hated my grade school and high school days. And this is the reason why I feared getting shouted at.


I have suffered a lot of mental and emotional hardships all my life - all for the sake of feeling accepted. But when people shout at me, or I hear people screaming at each other, it just feels like everything's getting out of hand. It's like people shout at me because I'm a useless, stupid person who doesn't know how to do anything right. It puts my learning, my effort, to waste.

And you know where that leads to? I blame myself.

Everytime people shout at me, I end up blaming myself because I can't blame anyone else. Everytime people shout at me, I feel like it's only me who's wrong - that even though I'm not at fault, I will be, because I can't fight for myself. But in times when I can shout back, I'll feel worse.

Because that meant I actually did wrong.



My mom told me my father had a hard time sleeping because he was too angry at me for answering back when he screamed at me twice. She said he dreamt of not being able to breathe. It fucking drove me to guilt. If something happens, I would probably blame myself for it forever; and then we're gonna go through the same story. I will be the sinner who deserves to be screamed at.


But what confuses me is why my parents couldn't figure out the effect of their constant shouting at me. Why can't they see that due to their constant bickering or their constant screaming at us, I don't dream about bad things. I COULDN'T SLEEP AT ALL.



Of course, I could always cry unfair. I could always say this is not okay. But I can't. Because at the end of the day, I'm at fault. Because I'm a good-for-nothing daughter who doesn't know how to pay respect.


And I'm not saying this because I call for pity.

I say this because it's the truth.


And even though I try to change because I want to change... no one would notice. And so I end up going back to step one again.












The Fault of a Good-for-Nothing Daughter

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

It was by far one of the most tiring Holy Week experience ever. What I thought will be a laid-back one turned out to be one of the most exhausting. I am already working so I didn't have enough time to ready myself for what was to come; and so I got tired.

But as this is one of the most tiring, this is basically the most rewarding. No joke there. This Lenten Season is definitely my most favorite.


I'm not gonna talk about what I did during the past few days; but I'm gonna hope that I can put into words all the emotions I felt when I was seeing each moment happen through the lenses of the camera I used. I fervently pray that whatever transpired within me during those days, I can share with all of you without missing out on anything.

While I'm thinking of terminologies to use, my mind just concluded that all in all, this experience was like a brand new experience. Although I've been doing this kind of service for the past few years, it is only this time that I felt like I know what I'm doing.

You see, when you know what you're doing something for, its essence becomes exponential. That's what happened. When the week opened on Palm Sunday, I knew that for the first time in my life as the parish photographer, I'm gonna be totally serious.

And I guess that's the most important learning. I think that's what made everything extra special. Knowing my purpose granted me that sense of fulfillment, that sense of completeness - that despite the physical, emotional and mental stress we've all gone through, our willingness to use this talent to serve the Lord prevailed.

Thinking about it, there is only one reason why I got through it: I offered everything for the glory of His name. Prior to all events, I always whisper a prayer, asking God to give me strength and let me maximize my talent so I can use it to honor Him.

And judging from the reception of the people and the sense of joy within me right now, I knew He heard me.


As for my Lenten reflection, there was not one moment during the Holy Week that I didn't feel overwhelmed. Superstitions might dictate that we should not feel cheerful during these days because Jesus was suffering, but I believe otherwise. If there's anything to feel, I believe it has to be joy.

He died for us and salvation came in the form of His death on the cross. If that kind of love won't move you, I don't know what else will. Once again, I might be overreacting but it's true when I say that there are several moments when I was attending masses that I actually teared up. I actually cried.

I feel ashamed because I'm a sinner, but that doesn't mean God's ashamed of me as well. And that is exactly why I was crying: because despite of my sins, I am loved.


The Holy Week of 2015 had brought changes to my spiritual life. It cleansed my thoughts and redirected my journey. Although I couldn't remember every words said by the priests during their sermons or I might have not prayed that much during processions, I will never forget how these days made me feel.

And I hope... I hope I wasn't the only one who felt that way. ♥





Holy Week 2015: What It Made Me Feel

Thursday, April 2, 2015

I'm currently getting pissed off. I can never understand why some people always flare up instantly - like every word seems to be a liter of gasoline poured onto the blazing fire. It's totally annoying. I hate being shouted at for my statements which are supposed to be sarcastic. 

I totally abhor people who make it seem like they're the only ones who can do things, like they're the only ones who can perform well, like they're the only ones who know everything. I hate those who always compare everyone to themselves because it just doesn't make sense. People are different. People have different ways in dealing with everything. It's just not fair to always mandate people to do things according to their selfish wills. It's not okay. I'm angered.

The problem is there's no understanding between everyone. The problem is while people are talking about always staying humble, some would take advantage of it and would lift themselves up on the pedestal.

If that isn't stupid, I don't know what is.

You see, it's very, very annoying. I hate double standards, which is always the case. And I can't accept that. I can never, ever accept that. I don't like people who always think that they're the only ones who feel tired, who feel sad, who feel pressured. And I fucking don't like people who use that as the lamest excuse to fucking put everyone else down.

It's Maundy Thursday. This isn't supposed to be happening.

Shut Up. SHUT UP.

It's that time of the week again. I had my confession but did a lot of bad things afterwards anyway that I feel so ashamed of myself. The peak of my Lenten Season had begun and as much as I'm looking forward to it, I couldn't because there's a super typhoon threatening the country, and you know how I am when it comes to natural disasters like this, but then that's another story.

So yeah, it's the Holy Week season. Last night, I was able to cover for the Holy Wednesday procession. As I'm now working, I really thought I wouldn't make it. Good thing Tina got my camera, I still got Celine's memory card, and I was there. Blessings.

Now, I'm wondering how it would be if I didn't make it last night. Things would have been very incomplete. I was so used to being terrifyingly busy during Holy Week for the past years that a sudden deviation like what could have happened might have been lethal to me. LOL, I'm exaggerating. But you see the picture? That's how serious missing out on church activities is to me.

However, I do not play perfect. Although some people kinda look up to us because we're devoting our time, effort, and talent on this kind of religious service, I just want to tell the world that we're not perfect. I have my fair share of mistakes, sins. I am not a good person. But I'm trying to be.

That's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm trying to be better at this. I don't want to play the piano anymore. I can't sing anymore. It's not like I can still dance too. Photography and layout designing are the only talents left in me so I want to maximize those God-given talents for His greater glory.

And right at this moment, I really wish I'm doing it for Him.

When I went to confession, the priest told me to do things for His glory. He told me that I should always set aside my personal agendas so my actions will be more real, more sincere. As I ponder on that advise now, I once again feel regretful. It hasn't been a week since I confessed but I'm already doing the opposite of what I was told to do.

I'm sorry, God. I'll try to be better.





I'm Sorry, God.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

When it dawned upon me that it is already Palm Sunday tomorrow, I panicked. After so many years, this is the first time that I'm not prepared for anything at all. The final eight days of the Lenten Season is always the busiest and right now, I'm still so disoriented that it hasn't sunk in that tomorrow is the beginning of our Holy Week.

To others, this is considered a 'hell week'; but even though it seems so, this is still one of the three most exciting events in my church service calendar - alongside the feast and Christmas seasons. It's when everyone comes together to fulfill their respective responsibilities in order to assure the smooth flow of the scheduled activities. It's when everyone gathers for a week-long remembrance of how the Catholic faith came to be. It's when everyone is reminded of how we are constantly bestowed with salvation from sins.

I don't think I'm excited. I just want to rest. But my responsibilities to my faith is more powerful than all the lazy insinuations of my head. That is why I need to get ready for what's about to take place. It's gonna begin in four hours and may God guide me throughout everything.


Hell Week? Holy Week.

Monday, March 23, 2015

I was tired. I was exhausted. And during those rare moments that I actually admit that, there's only one thing I ask God for. It's to see you. It's to be able to talk to you even for a minute, hear from you about what you've been doing and what you've been planning to do. After all, you've always been my refuge. You've always been a sanctuary. My stress reliever, my favorite escape.

I could always ask for you. You've always been very generous of your time when it comes to me anyway. One text, one call, and I know you'll come to my side. You value me. I am important to you. I know that and I'm beyond grateful.

But due to the circumstances we've been through, a lot of things had changed. You're no longer available all the time. I'm no longer that keen to keeping you close to me. We've grown out of what we used to be and considering our situation, I know that's the better thing.

However, there is one thing that's left unchanged: the fact that you are my refuge and even God believes in that. 

For the past few days, I've been thinking of you. I couldn't admit I'm tired because it might turn into a habit but I know I just wanted to see you. A little chat was all I asked for. I didn't even send you a message or anything. But like the usual, He had rewarded me with something better.

It is always a coincidence. When I need you, you always appear. Even without me asking, you always come and take all my worries and fears away. It's a consistent thing. It seems more like fate each time.

Fate. Big word.

Anybody who would know what we've been through would really think we're fated to each other. I think this is the main reason why people just can't seem to move on from the idea of us. Everytime we're seen together, everyone just seems to feel elated. They've always been rooting for what we could be. They've always been waiting for that time when we're going to admit that we're a couple.

But I don't think that time would come now, or anytime soon.

I don't know where this came from but last night, only one thing dominated my thoughts: maybe next life, there's gonna be a chance for us. Quite a dreamy idea, this is. I even think it's something stupid. But it's a consolation on my part. I've loved you so much and even if I've moved on, the feelings just won't fade away that fast. You're still a huge part of me and I won't ever relinquish our connection just because of what happened. 

Because even God knows that I need you to fix my life. 

I'm not closing doors, but I don't think there's a chance for us today. Taking a lot of things into consideration, we're not possible. But maybe in the next life, when there's no more barriers and when feelings are different, we can be together. And maybe, we'll have our chance on our next lives.

Our Next Lives

Sunday, March 22, 2015


Four days after my last blog entry, I'm now announcing that CitySavings Bank Valenzuela Branch is now open! With office hours running from Tuesday to Saturdays (9AM to 5PM), we're nearer to public school teachers of the city and is ready to be of service to their financial needs.

Naks. Lakas maka-marketing!



The bank opened on March 20, 2015, attended by top management people. Tito Lino was there, of course, along with Sir Levi (EVP-Channel Management) and other key personalities in the region like Sir Gary, Sir Roland, Sir Richard, and Mam Mitsy. Although it was quite disappointing that there was just one teacher who came to file a City Savings Bank Salary Loan and the branch doesn't have electricity or water connection, the first day turned out better than the worst. :))

Redemption came in the form of people. I got to bond with my branch staff during the day. It was exciting talking to them, as if we've known each other for so long already. All the cleaning and stuff, it was amazing how I managed to feel at ease with them in an instant. Maybe, this goes only to those who are of my age as I don't think the elders don't like the ugly me that much. LOL.


Anyway, the day ended up with us so tired from the heat and dirt. LOL. But it was worth it. Personally, I think it was an enlightening moment because it made me realize that not all banks are as stiff as what I usually thought they are. CitySavings, along with the people I'm working with, proved to me that there is always an exception to the rule. Cool. ^^

A lot of things happened that day but the best thing was my conversation with Sir Gary.

A little flashback: During my final interview, I was given situations and asked how I'm going to react to it. Coming from a field which accepts no mistake, I openly declared that I'm ready to stand up against anyone who will not comply with the rules. Sir Gary asked me if my mind will still change and I said 'no'. But the moment I stepped into the branch, I knew immediately that I made a mistake with my answer. In the industry of banking in the Philippines, there are rules I'm supposed to follow and people I need to trust. The saying 'obey first before you complain' applies and since then, my conscience bugged me because somehow, I know it gave the people a ridiculous impression on me.

And so when I got to talk to Sir Gary, I decided to free myself of the guilt. I talked to him and asked if he still remembers what he asked of me during interviews and when he said yes, I told him that everything has changed. He smiled at me and said 'that's good!' and his words eased me up big time. He told me encouraging words and I felt I have managed to change something.

And honestly? I'm glad.



It's gonna be a long walk from here forward. But I'm hoping and I'm expecting that good things will happen. This is a new beginning, an interesting step taken, and I can't wait to see what's waiting on the other end of the tunnel. I'm excited.

And I hope that potential clients would entrust us everything. I hope that they would let us into their worlds, their lives; because as mushy as this may sound, CitySavings can help them. CitySavings can really help them. (I'll try to explain this in my next post!)

Because as CitySavings bankers, we fulfill. We adhere. We give simply our best.

CitySavings Bank (Valenzuela Branch) is Officially Open!

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Prior to starting my job at CitySavings, I have made it clear to myself that I am not supposed to make friends to anyone. I have learned the hard way that attachment is the easiest route to heartaches so I was very firm with my decision. I couldn't jeopardize my job for 'friendship' anymore.

But apparently, I'm bending my words yet again.

I've said before how much I enjoyed my branch exposure at Caloocan, right? I'm having a great time working with people who are close to my age, whose mindsets are in lieu with mine, whose understanding is of my level. I'm very thrilled to have them teach me whatever I need to know, get serious when our work mandates us to be, or share with them some light moments as we tease each other as if we've known each other since God-knows-when. That's why the separation anxiety after my exposure was intense.

And that's also the reason why when I learned that I'll be having my apprenticeship in the same branch, I was overwhelmed. I knew I'll be learning a  lot more because the people in that branch are willing to guide me through everything. Their patience is so enormous for someone who doesn't know even a bit about banking. Plus, their understanding is beyond the skies.

Everyone knew who I'm connected to. They knew it without me, telling them. They knew it but they didn't give double meanings. I have to raise my hat to Sir Allan, Yuji and Sir Roland for even telling me that they don't care about who I'm connected to and that it's okay. They said I shouldn't be afraid of the other officers knowing the truth because I went through the same procedure as they did, after all, and I'm not taking my work for granted.

And I'm touched. Very touched.

You see, I didn't expect anyone from the branch to tell me those things. I mean, there is only one person in the company who I kinda thought would say those words to me - and that's Tito Lino; but perhaps, I'm just overthinking. I guess, having been the subject of prejudice of everyone since my childhood days, I knew I've had enough and I don't need a continuation of such fate in my present job.

Of course, I know others would think as if I'm using the president to keep this work, but I really don't care. Because what matters is that the people in Caloocan doesn't think that way.

In a way, I want to say that they believe in me.


That is why I'm having another intense episode of separation anxiety. Tomorrow's my last day in Caloocan since we'll be transferring to Valenzuela already. I've met Sir Jonathan, my branch operations head, and Sir Ryan Rosales, my reserve pool member. We had a little bonding, as I went with them to buy stuff and visit our home branch, and they're totally nice too! But still, a major part of me still is into the people in Caloocan.

But it's not like Caloocan is too far from Valenzuela. We can always contact each other through Avaya or one can always drop by in the other's branch. LOL. Nothing. I'm just gonna miss the sweet and funny nothings with Renelyn, Rose and Sheng, and the unlimited bullying of Sir Allan and Yuji...



Sigh. I told myself I wouldn't make friends but obviously, I'll lose a huge chance if I don't let these Caloocan people into my life. :)








I Never Meant to Make Friends But...

Monday, March 16, 2015


Time flies fast, doesn't it? Just a month ago, I was fussing over the fact that after three years of being stuck at home, I'll finally be starting on a real job that would require me to go to an office everyday, in my corporate attire. It was an unusual thing for me because I got used to being just who I recklessly want to be.

But of course, things have to change. If I want a better life and a better future, things have to change.

And so it all began.


People say that when you enjoy something, time seems to fly. And carrying over the logic that a month flew fast to me is enough to convince myself that I am actually enjoying this job. I know I have to do well in everything because of the people who put their faith me and so the pressure's there, but it's all tolerable. And as I wonder how my situation is, the more I believe that this is where I'm really meant to be. 

Yes, it has been a month since I entered CitySavings; and in that short span of time, a lot has changed. After four weeks of training, I can now say that I know something about banking. The company had supplied me things I need to know, and I'm just so grateful.

I came back to Monumento a week ago. The Valenzuela branch will be opening on the 20th and somehow, that makes me nervous. I've met the manager and I don't think he's comfortable with me at all, but then I'm there not to please him but to work. Although hopefully, we would be able to start on the right foot when we're in the branch. 

This is exciting. I've wondered for so long if I'll last a month in this job. Obviously, I did. And I'm looking forward to more months with this company. God bless me, please.

Happy 1st Month!

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

When I first knew that we were going to be deployed to branches for an early exposure right after our four-day orientation, you can imagine the anxiety. I didn’t know anything about banking operations. I didn’t even know how to properly do debit and credit balancing. I was practically a noob, and it literally felt like I was pushed to go to a full pledged war with a waterless water gun as a weapon.

Now, imagine how the nervousness doubled when I learned I was assigned at North Caloocan. That’s basically in Fairview, a freaking five rides of FX, bus and jeepney (more than 2 hours, travel time) from my home. I was trembling trying to even figure out how to get to the branch without getting lost or held up. Eventually, my dad accompanied me on the first day; and then, never again.

Because the next day, I was immediately transferred to Caloocan. It’s in Monumento, just across Padi’s Point. It’s a good 45-minute jeep ride away from our house and the place was extremely familiar to me, of course, having studied at the University of the East. It was comfort at its best!

But it’s different when I finally got inside the branch that Wednesday morning.

Naturally, it was awkward. I was alone No one in my batch was assigned there so I basically had to face everything on my own. Extremely challenging, because I didn’t know how to divulge the fact that I know nothing at all and yet I was there. I don’t want to announce my doom on my first day. I don’t want to be looked down on, definitely, but I had to learn.

It was the branch operating head, Sir Allan Borja, who first welcomed me. It was brief, uneventful, but not that formal. I was told that everyone in the branch were young and I don’t know why it was a surprise to me. Maybe, I’m just not used to being an ‘ate’. In my previous jobs, after all, I’m always the youngest and thus treated special all the time. Haha.

So it was a whole new world to me. No one in the bank knows about who I’m connected with (and I intend to keep it that way!) so it’s just me, myself, and I. Sir Allan then introduced me to Renelyn and Mary Rose, the loan specialists, who turned out to be years younger than I am. Instantly, I felt so little. But then again, I had to learn.

So questions were asked, despite paranoia bothering my thoughts. I was afraid they’ll get annoyed with my questions. So I just quietly watched and try to figure out everything on my own.

But even as I do, I couldn’t take all in by myself. Good thing, God heard my prayers and that’s when Sheng approached me and taught me everything I initially wanted to know. If it wasn’t for her, my branch exposure would not be this fruitful.

Sheng accommodated me and treated me like we’ve known each other for so long. She even lent me her manuals and taught me the computations so I can have even the slightest inkling about what I’m supposed to do. She taught me the system procedures and that’s how I managed to be of help to the branch during my five-day stay.

Yep, I held a station. I was in-charge of encoding the information and printing the advices. During vacant times, I’ll drag my chair to Renelyn’s station and watch her do stuff at Finacle while discussing it to me. Rose does the same.

Also, there’s Yuji (my 24-year-old Branch Service Head) who keeps on injecting good tips and techniques (of survival, haha). His constant ‘pangangamusta’ was like a breather too. Although most times, it would just lead to him bullying me. But no harm done, I know he’s just bringing in some good laugh into the conversation to probably make me feel more comfortable. And to that, I’m extremely grateful.


Today, I spent my last day with them. According to Sir Roland Recamara, the Regional Head for NCR, I wouldn’t be going back to their branch anymore. As my actual branch in Valenzuela is opening on the 13th, he said we’ll be reporting from there during our branch trainings and apprenticeship.

As it sank in, I felt a little sad.

In the past five days, the people in Caloocan managed to make me feel like it’s okay to be a beginner at this age. They convinced me that even though I know nothing, there are people in this world who would be willing to teach those who wish to start anew. That’s something I don’t usually feel in the field I came from, after all, so it touches my heart in all ways possible.

It’s 10PM and the separation anxiety is still intense. If only I can, I would spend my training with them; but Valenzuela’s still a priority so I’ll just have to depend on phone to communicate with them. Plus, it’s not like Valenzuela and Monumento are so far away from each other. LOL.


Fuck. I’m being too emotional about this when I shouldn’t. HAHAHAHA. Nah, I’m just afraid they’ll forget me after a while. I liked them all. I want to be their friend. I hope I can pay a visit from time to time, or meet them somewhere? LOL

Well, I promised Yuji that I’ll be cooking something for them if I feel like it. How about next week? HAHAHAHA.





Sepanx

Thursday, February 26, 2015

So it's real.

There really is prejudice among people in the corporate world. I can feel it. I can feel how people seemed to be doubtful about me whenever they hear that I don't have even the littlest background in banking. Sure, they offer kind and encouraging words of wisdom, but only a few sounded sincere. Only a few sounded like they really welcome me in their community.

Normally, feeling this way would make me go back under my shell. If my old self heard this, she'll hide instantly. But good thing, I'm no longer who I used to be. Meaning, I'm stronger and more susceptible to pain brought by prejudiced impressions about me.

Stereotyping people are part of this world. I have no way of getting rid of them. All I have to do is to actually think like this is just some sort of a challenge I have to overcome. I have to overcome their judgments and replace it with a realization that despite being a Communication graduate, I can learn.

That is why I'm struggling double. I intend to learn everything before we're formally introduced to it. Familiarization is something I really have to work hard on.

Of course, who put me in position plays a great role too; but I've got no problem with that. That person believes in me more than anyone else in the company so I need not to prove myself to others when it comes to this issue.


Anyway... The people at Caloocan were really accommodating and amazing. Although I'm constantly feeling shy with my status, it comforts me that I've got Sheng, Sir Yuji, Renee and Rose to fill me with reminders and advices.

They taught me how to do encoding and printing yesterday. Today, I was introduced to handling requirements and computations. Fun!


You know? I think I can actually last long in this company. I think I really can make it here. And you know what else? I'm glad to be here.


Fighting Prejudice

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

It has indeed been a week since my last entry. Not that it's unusual but this time's just different. It's not just because I don't know what to write about that I couldn't write a blog. Now, it's because I'm too busy with work that I couldn't find time to even check on this site.

Me, leaving the house for work every morning and getting home by nightfall, still amazes me even after a week. It still makes my heart flutter everytime I think that I'm now employed, in spite of still having that probationary status. What matters is that I have found some sense in myself now. I'm no longer that lost, wandering soul. I finally have purpose.

Just yesterday, we were exposed to a real branch. I was assigned at the Camarin Branch (near SM Fairview) but was transferred to Caloocan (Monumento) due to transportation problems. And although tired, the initial experiences were amazing. Yesterday, I was taught the basics. Today, I was allowed to do hands-on. I didn't expect my learning will escalate that much in two days!

To that, I'm thankful; that despite these people in the branches looking quite surprised (their trying to hide proves unsuccessful, sorry) whenever I say I don't have even a bit of background on accounting or any banking-related experiences, they still entertained my questions and they still assisted me with what I need.

At the moment, my mind and heart's constantly filled with worries. Examinations are coming and computation is my worst skill. That's why I'm working double to keep up with the others. I need to exert twice the effort others exert so I can understand what they're talking about everytime. And I've got to ask extra help from others who know the field so I can improve myself more.

Sometimes, it gets totally embarrassing - divulging to others that I am a total noob - but everytime the horror comes to me, I just think of what Tito Lino told me through Celine: It's not what I finished that allows me to work in a bank. It's my willingness to learn. 

From that, my daily prayer stems. Every day, I always make it to the point that I get to pray the rosary and ask through the Blessed Virgin Mary that God endows me with the ability to stay focused and aware of everything. I always pray for guidance that I may do good and only what's right while on training so that I won't fail the people who have put their full faith in me.

It is a huge factor that I'm vowed to protect the trust I was given. Aside from my family, it is this desire that pushes me to always move forward. And although I must admit it gives me a certain kind of pressure, I'm still thankful. I'm still grateful.

Tomorrow, I need to work in Caloocan again. I'll be there until Tuesday next week and I'm excited as to how it's going to be. I still pray that nothing goes wrong because I'm apparently going to do hands-on the whole day.

Please pray for me.

The Grateful Banker in the Making

Monday, February 16, 2015

It's official.

Starting tomorrow, I'll be a service associate of City Savings, a subsidiary bank of Unionbank which is pretty much one of the biggest banking companies in the Philippines.

Funny, right, how I dared to enter the banking world after being in the freelance/creative industry for so long. I've got no background, I've got no knowledge, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I don't think I'll get this job if it wasn't for the people I know. That sounds a little demeaning on my part but it's the truth - and when I applied for this job, I swore to my interviewers that I'll be honest.

This might raise eyebrows of many. I got a job because of my backers, even with a lack of skill. Normally, my pride wouldn't have accepted that but things change. And right now, there are two thoughts that are convincing me that it's all okay.



"You have to work on what you have first and grow from there."
Danny Choo

This was shared to me by my friend, Yuxing, when we were talking about Alodia Gosiengfiao. LOL. And somehow, it stuck to me like glue because it gave sense to my plans in life. I desire to succeed and I desire to move forward, but I can't do that without help; and as it so happens, I have people in position who trust me so I'm not wasting that opportunity. This is like burying myself in debt but that's okay. I trust these people just as how they trust me so it's all okay.


"It doesn't matter what course you finished as long as you're willing to learn"
Catalino Abacan

Now this is definitely what is making me brave. Hearing these words strengthen me because it makes me believe that I have a chance as long as I'm willing to learn. I may not have even the slightest background on accounting but I am always excited to learn new things. This is one of them. :)


I know I'm not making sense. It's my last day of being unemployed and I've got tons of things left to do. LOL. So yeah, it's not like this post's going to be viral anyway. So CIAO! :)

Step One

Sunday, February 15, 2015


It's starting to sink in.
The truth that saves me.
After what seemed endless,
I finally found the light.

The sleep was long,
as horrible as the dream.
But now it's beginning -
it finally begins.


It Finally Begins

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Have you ever felt so stagnant? Like whatever you do, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to move forward? Like you’re just running around in circles, figuring out how to get out of the depressing loop called ‘life’ but no matter what take you turn, you’ll just end up on step one?

I have. And it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

For years, I’ve strived but it all became tumultuous when I lost my job last year, June. I was in the dark, blind and clueless as to where I will be getting the motivation and determination to get back at my feet again.

Months later, I knew I wanted to open a T-shirt business. My cousin gave me enough finances to start on it and I teamed up with friends for the whole process. We’re a few months old now and I’ve sold quite a number of shirts already. It was good business, money was regularly coming in; until I realized that I’m not making any progress. Sure, I was selling my shirts and designs but no, I’m not really growing.

One thought and it had my whole life collapsing again.

I tried to think about what’s wrong; and during one tricycle ride to I-forgot-where, it was a eureka moment.

I don’t move forward because I’m doing these things for the wrong reasons. I live with the wrong motivations. Everything in my life - all my dreams, goals - seem to be created by the simple fact that I am jealous of others living the life I’ve always dreamed to have. Envy drives me and it’s not exactly a good thing. I am doing what I do for something so negative and that, I guess, is one of the main reasons why nothing seems to improve.

Sure, slight envy towards others is good to light that spark of determination in oneself; but I might have let it dominate me. Along the way, I might have let it eat me whole that it became my actual motivation. Maybe not generally, but it plays a great part.

Now which plays the biggest role in this wrong motivation thing? Revenge.

I do things to take revenge. I have this intense hunger to prove myself to people who wronged me. I always tell myself that once I become successful, I will put these people in their proper places. Because you see, the desire to succeed had created this whole illusion that I’m better than everyone else. It had mounted me into a non-existent pedestal. Maybe I can’t be blamed totally, thanks to the painful experiences I had with people I’m talking about; but then, life’s not about revenge. It is never about revenge.

This, I believe, is the biggest problem in me. I want to go up to bring others down. Unconsciously, that was what had been running in my mind all this time; and only now did I realize how ironic I’ve always been.


I said I have thought of all this during my 10-minute tricycle ride, right? But apparently, it has been in my mind for a long time now. It’s just that I’m not paying attention. Now that it has surfaced into my knowledge what actually is holding me back, I pondered on it and felt a lot better knowing what the problem is. At least, I can now work on redesigning my way of thinking and formulating the best solutions to totally eradicate this kind of paradox.

Like all other beginnings, it will be difficult, of course. I believe in destiny. I believe in fate. I believe that if this is happening, then this is what is meant to happen. But then, above all, I believe in a God who rewards His children who do good and reprimands those who were astray; a God who forgives those who ask for forgiveness and repent on their sins; and a God who wishes nothing but success to His creation.


Re-reading what I’ve written, I let out a smile. I guess I’ve just found a better motivation now.


Why I Can't Seem to Move Forward with Life

Thursday, January 22, 2015


It might be a little late but Happy Feast Day, St. Agnes!

She's the first saint whose life I've read when I was barely 7. I was in Grade 1 St. Agnes and that sparked my curiosity about who this saint was. Mom, fortunately, bought me a book and from there, the inspiration budded. 

However, it was only last year when I got to visit a chapel dedicated to her. 

In Bulakan, Bulacan, her image made of ivory is displayed in a small chapel in a small town named after her. According to stories, it was found in a nearby river by fishermen who couldn't pull it out of the water. But when a woman tried, she easily lifted it up and from there sprung the belief that only women can touch the image.

It might be so peculiar to many but according to the locals in Sta. Ines, it was the beautiful mystery of it. Once, a priest decided to touch it during his sermon and the unthinkable happened. Thunders roared suddenly and rain poured heavily. An impossible folklore, you say? I don't think so. We talked to actual witnesses of the events. The way they relate the story was believable.

Since then, no man dared to touch the image.

When we went there, I was the only girl in the group. Thus, I was the only one who managed to venerate and get close to the saint. While my friends were just taking pictures from a distance, I can do close-ups and all.

But the highlight of the visit was the fact that I managed to carry the image.

Maybe it's because of my friends' influence, but I have long believed that the weight of an image depends on the person carrying it. As ridiculous as it may sound to non-believers, we've always believed that if the saint doesn't want you to carry his/her image, you wouldn't be able to because of the heavy weight.

And so that's why when I asked St. Agnes if I could carry her image even for just a split second, I was grateful when she allowed me to. She was heavy, but light enough for my weak arms to handle. It was an awesome experience. I feel so blessed!

Before we went home, I whispered a little prayer. I asked her for blessings. I have told my deepest desires, my most wonderful dreams. I pleaded for her guidance that she may teach me her ways to the Lord.

And now that we're commemorating her feast day (albeit being one-day late), I want to remember the kind of faith I've felt that day when we visited her image. And remind myself to come back there one day and join the other Catholics in Bulacan in revering her untainted holiness.


Happy feast day to the patron of virgins.
St. Agnes, pray for us.

The Patron of Virgins

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

photo from the internet

I didn’t get to see the pope.

Maybe I’ve got reasons, or maybe I don’t, but yeah, I didn’t get to see Pope Francis during his recently concluded visit in the Philippines. From time to time, I feel envious whenever I check on my TV and my computer for updates. Now imagine how much more whenever I see posts from my real-life friends who got to see him up-close, even for just a few seconds. They said the feeling was different. The holiness was really contagious. The joy was overflowing. The tears were unstoppable. 

And hearing them, I smile.

I didn’t get to see the pope, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t feel the same way.

In spite of keeping track of the daily updates about the Papal visit only via live telecasts and radio broadcasts, I have to say that I am among the millions who feel blessed. The moment he landed on Philippine soil, I was at the bell tower of our parish, ringing the bells to proclaim the joy of his arrival. Upon coming home, I focused on the news immediately.

Albeit seemingly ‘fanatic’, the tears just won’t stop. Everytime the Pope’s face appears on my screen, I shriek in delight because it feels so surreal knowing that the Holy Father is finally breathing the same air as I do. No more need to fly off to Rome. No more need to dream of meeting him in a pilgrimage or a worldwide congregation. He came to the Philippines, my country. How can I not be touched?

His mere presence in the country had allowed me to feel enlightened. During his stay, I was amazed by the Filipino people. I have seen how it is possible for us to maintain the discipline I’ve long been wanting to see imposed on us. I have realized that there is still a possibility for unity among us all. I have witnessed how achievable it is to put the rich and the poor in one place, all together for one cause and one purpose. I have found hope among my race.

Now, now. Let’s not talk about the politicians. Like Pope Francis said, let’s just focus on the things that mattered.

STRIKING MOMENTS

Photo from the Vatican Press

Like all others, I’ve got my favorite parts of the Pope’s visit. And that would be his speeches delivered during encounters. The opportunity to collect more Pope Francis quotes was right at my face! When he went to Malacañan Palace for a courtesy call, I loved how he pointed out that government officials should not be corrupt. I hope they got the message.

In the Meeting of the Families held at MOA Arena, I loved how he insisted on the importance of family in making this world a better place. He had clearly identified prayer as the greatest weapon in building a strong bond among family members, and he had stressed upon us the need to be compassionate among the people who grew up with none.

On the third day, the Pope flew to Tacloban despite the harsh weather conditions. As far as I know, the organizers were actually thinking of cancelling the trip to the Yolanda-hit area but the Holy Father that he has to go there, as this trip was for him. The humility!

To say that the Tacloban experience was humbling was an understatement. Hearing his spontaneous sermon was something that really touched my heart. I know I wasn’t directly affected by the typhoon but his words nevertheless affected me. When he said he really wanted to come to the Philippines after the typhoon, I was touched. But the moment he said “I am here to be with you. A little bit late, I have to say, but I am here,’ I totally lost it.

Hearing the Pontiff speak those words made me feel reassured, to be very honest. I don’t know with the others but for so long, those are the exact words that I have longed to hear. The moment that particular sentence was said, I felt like he was just talking to me - giving me comfort, assuring me that I am not alone.

And that very moment, I was convinced that I am not alone.


Just when I thought I am already filled with blessings, the Meeting with the Youth happened in UST. It was a special one for me because at my age, I still fall under this category. I looked forward to it because I know that whatever He’s going to say, it will affect me too. Whatever he will say, it will be for me.

And I was right. The message - that was once again spontaneous - struck me hard - directly on the heart.

The first part was dedicated to the lady who died after the mass in Tacloban. I know she’s no longer with us, but I can’t help but envy her soul. She died knowing her purpose. She died after a sanctifying blessing. It may be tragic but at least she’s safe now, at least she’s home now. So rest in peace, Kristel.

Moving on, the encounter with the youth basically started with the Holy Father noting the importance of women. This is one of my favorite parts. How he stressed the significant roles of women, our uncanny ability to impose questions without answers and know things men don’t, it was relieving - especially nowadays when women are still treated lowly in this society.

He also clarified who the ‘poor’ are. They aren’t just those who lack food to eat, clothing to wear, and those who don’t have shelters above their heads. The ‘poor’ refers to us as well who refuse to receive from the less of our brethrens; us, whose prides won’t allow us to receive from people we believe are less than us.

But then the highlight would be the pope’s response to the young girl’s inquiry. Why did God let the children suffer when the children are not at fault? Frankly speaking, I never expected that question. It must have taken the child a lot of guts to actually ask that. But then, I remembered when Pope Francis said ‘Do not be afraid to ask God why,’ and I knew she did the right thing.

The Holy Father didn’t have an answer to the question. He admitted that. Instead, he just hugged the crying child and comforted her through her sufferings. This left a huge mark on the pope, on me, and on everyone else. Then during his sermon, the Pontiff said something which will forever be etched in my memory: Do not be afraid to cry.

Let me share you my favorite part of his speech:

Why do children suffer so much? Why do children suffer? When the heart is able to ask itself and weep, then we can understand something. There is a worldly compassion which is useless. You expressed something like this. It’s a compassion that makes us put our hands in our pockets and give something to the poor. But if Christ had had that kind of compassion he would have greeted a couple of people, given them something, and walked on. But it was only when he was able to cry that he understood something of our lives. Dear young boys and girls, today’s world doesn’t know how to cry. The emarginated people, those left to one side, are crying. Those who are discarded are crying. But we don’t understand much about these people in need. Certain realities of life we only see through eyes cleansed by our tears. I invite each one here to ask yourself: have I learned how to weep? Have I learned how to weep for the emarginated or for a street child who has a drug problem or for an abused child? Unfortunately there are those who cry because they want something else.

This is the first thing I want to say: let us learn how to weep as she has shown us today and let us not forget this lesson. The great question of why so many children suffer, she did this in tears. The response that we can make today is: let us really learn how to weep.

In the Gospel, Jesus cried for his dead friend, he cried in his heart for the family who lost its child, for the poor widow who had to bury her son. He was moved to tears and compassion when he saw the crowds without a pastor. If you don’t learn how to cry, you cannot be a good Christian. This is a challenge. When they posed this question to us, why children suffer, why this or that tragedy occurs in life – our response must be either silence or a word that is born of our tears. Be courageous, don’t be afraid to cry.

We were brought up in a society where we were made to believe that crying is for the weak. During our childhood, we were always reprimanded for crying. We were always shushed, told to be quiet. Even when we get ourselves hurt, we were told by our parents that we shouldn’t cry because we are strong. We cannot cry. We cannot weep. Because if we do, we won’t be strong. And we all want to be strong.

The pope downright discarded that belief. He said that crying is a sign of courage.

And at this very trying moment, that was exactly what I need.

Through his messages, the pope had presented himself to be an ordinary friend who listened to our thoughts, our opinions, our ideas. He identified himself as an ordinary person who suffers the same sufferings as ours, and experiences the same joys as we do.  As I watched him on TV, I didn’t see the head of state of the Vatican. I didn’t even see the leader of billions of Catholics around the world. Instead, I saw an inspiration, a mentor, a friend, a person who understands.

And to be honest, I saw Jesus in him.

CONCLUDING MIRACLE

photo from ibtimes

Yesterday, after the Pope departed for Rome, a friend sent me a message. She said she’s crying two days straight already because she wasn’t able to see the pope. Apparently, she felt like she didn’t try hard enough to take part in this probably-once in a lifetime event. She had no one to leave her son to and it was too risky to take him to the event - with throngs of people around.

I was in the jeep with my mother when I saw the message, yet I couldn’t help but smile. I knew how she was feeling because for a few days, I was feeling so down that I won’t be able to see the Pope. But you know what consoled me? Pope Francis had clearly expressed that the focus of this visit shouldn’t be him, but Jesus. I told my friend then that there was no need to feel bad about not being there, because what matters is that she had absorbed the lessons taught and that it had rekindled and set ablaze the fire of faith within her. Also, the pope had been continuously promoting family values in all his visits so I doubt that he would be pleased if he’ll know that a mother left her child to see him.

The friend told me that she felt better after talking to me, and I felt twice as much. Somehow, the replies weren’t just for her. It was also for me. And as I ponder on my own words, I feel wonderful.


 I didn’t get to see the pope. But even through my TV screen, I got to feel God’s grace. And with that, I know, the purpose of this Papal Visit 2015 had been served well on me. It definitely went well.



Viva Il Papa! Mabuhay ka, Papa Francesco!


I Didn't Get to See the Pope