Friday, October 31, 2014

I promised myself that I'm not going to be a bitch anymore about falling in love, but what I had just experienced fucking terrified me to no end. It was a clean, non-perverted dream, I must insist, but it all felt so real that up to this waking moment, a part of me was wishing that it all happened in reality!

But no, it didn't. It wouldn't.

Hell gotta eat me up for this, but yeah, it shouldn't.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

So it's the morning of the 30th. I have rushed a design for the sacerdotal anniversary of our parish priest and I had to meet the officials of the upcoming Christ the King celebration we are all preparing for.

I'm not really feeling up for anything today, mainly because my head is hurting so much. It feels like half of my body's numb and it's probably because of my sleeping position last night. Sigh. The last time I felt so comfortable in my sleep was when we were at Lei's house.

Hmm. I think my thoughts last night carried onto today, contributing greatly to my current emotions. My stomach's churning, thinking about how to pay for everything that I actually listed several businesses I can start to somehow generate money. Thing is, I need the luck, capital and actual ideas to begin.

There is nothing to look forward to today. Maybe just the fact that Sean's coming over and we're gonna watch HORNS. I hope that little distraction would be fine.

I really want to be with friends, you know, KPOP stuff. I want to go back to actual fangirling without having to worry about anything else because I have a job that pays me.

Geez. When will I start moving on?


10.30.14

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

It's month-end once more. Although I have paid my bills already, I can't help but feel really worried because I have debts to settle and I've got no fucking idea where I should get the money to pay them. It's painstakingly difficult trying to make all ends meet, especially when I have no means of proper income the past few months. I have a few dollars left, courtesy of my cousin in Australia, but I am intending that for another business I want to venture out on.

So right now, I'm fucking freaking out.

Last night, Tito Lino told me to wait a little more. To be honest, I wouldn't mind because I trust him. I have a lot of tasks to complete in the church and I need to get it all done before I actually enter the world of regular employment once more.

But then, having an assurance from the president of the company I applied at still won't calm me down. At this moment, I am feeling so scared for my future and my family's as well. Having no job is like having no clear image of my future. It's hard to even just imagine and dream because I don't even know where I am right now, so how would I know where I'm headed?

Raking my mind for ideas on how to earn money and realizing how much of a burden I've been to my parents, I am pushed to the edge. I blame myself for not knowing anything about business, I swear. I blame myself for not being lucky. I blame myself for not being good enough.

But I need to try because there's no point in giving up. I have a family who depends on me. I have a family who needs me. They, after all, are my sole reasons to live.

Totally Scared

I KNOW. I KNOW. You guys are side-eyeing me because I actually wrote a KaiSoo fic and it's not like Gemini which is just bromance. This is yaoi, not smut though because I won't be able to take it; but pretty much involves a little fluff and romance.. and probably angst.

It's not gonna be anything major. I didn't even think too much about the scenes like how I always do with my stories; but I think this one does reflect actual raw emotions felt by real people in the very same setting I have placed them in.

The story is definitely something I'll want to make others read and appreciate, but I don't think I'll be able to handle any criticism for this one. The whole story is basically driven by a real-life happening which affected me as a person. It's a sensitive issue even up to now for me, so it kinda makes me scared of people who knows nothing but hate.

I'm in the midst of editing the whole story and I'm trying hard not to imagine the horror it actually carried, so shocks. I really need to publish it on AFF, right?



......

A KaiSoo Fic Coming

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Today, I feel like I've gone back to the past. I'm currently playing Shin Hyesung. I was just looking for WGM clips when I bumped into Andy's and then I realized how much I missed the older ones and then I headed to XMan days and then I remembered the comeback of S, and then I went back to Doll and then now, it's the Shin Hyesung song on my playlist.

Wow. Detailed much?

You see, there is one thing that I realized in this very shallow ordeal: you don't always forget your past. You don't always regret everything there. After all, it still keeps memories you would cherish forever. In my instance, I treasure the days when the Korean entertainment scene wasn't as chaotic as today's. I miss the peace. I miss knowing the real purpose of its existence.

When I got into KPOP on 2007, I wasn't entirely a newbie. I was so much into Korean dramas and OST's already and I could even play Endless Love (Autumn Story)'s theme songs already on the piano. I found these ridiculous boys called Super Junior and then I fell in love because you know, I might have been young back then, but I was already being annoyed by numerous problems. Super Junior, and KPOP in general, had presented me with an outlet, a portal, an escape.

But right now, it has turned into a world I would want to escape from. Every week, there's an issue happening. Fans fight among each other. Idols keep on lying. It's no longer the place I've known seven years ago. It has turned into an unknown dimension where pretensions, hypocrisy had spread.

Maybe you'll say I should just leave. The thing is, it's not easy. For how many times, I really wish I could but it would drag me back all the time.


Backtrack

Sunday, October 26, 2014

There are a lot of things going on but one thing's for sure, my capability to multi-task is once again being tested. After being told to organize the program and invitation for the upcoming Christ the King Celebration on November 23rd, I was also informed just this evening that I need to submit the drafts for the designs of the parish calendar for 2015.

Insert in between the different responsibilities on my business and sidelines. This is going to be a hectic month-end, for sure.

Geez. I feel so down though. I think it's mainly because I was at the church but I didn't hear mass. It was pathetic, I admit; but... okay, I've got no reason. I was just a lazy asshole earlier this evening that I didn't give into conscience when it was bugging me to attend the liturgical ceremony.

...

I'm in front of my PC, typing this entry instead of thinking about the design. Deadline's in a week. GOOD FUCKING LUCK.

Panic State #12351234172938571298376081234

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Just this morning, I woke up to a Facebook post of a friend announcing the death of one of her puppies, Chewy. Apparently, he drowned in the pool last night and the caretaker failed to notice him. I know that little bundle of joy, he's that one puppy who kept on trying to climb the steps into the house - sniffing the food we were cooking in the process. 

photo from Celine
The thought saddened me. I'm sure I'm gonna miss him in a way or another, especially when we visit to swim. But what aggravated me more was he reminded me of Luhan, my puppy who died because of distemper when he was still 4 months old too. 

Geez. I'm tearing up!



***



Nowadays, I have noticed the lack of interest of many people towards animals. In videos and even in actual social settings, I see people mistreating these friends and I just can't help but feel bothered and sad. Being indifferent towards animals is one thing, hurting them is another. I cannot tolerate both.

My blood boils at the thought that people abuse their superiority over animals to the extent that they think they own these furry friends' lives. They dictate these pets' fates, making fun of their existence, abusing their weaknesses. People humiliate animals, believing that they're just animals; and that hurts.

When I was in high school, we were taught that God had created humans in His own image and likeness. A given fact, yes. But along with that privilege, we were given the title of 'stewards of His creation'. That means as we were given lives, the lives of others below us are entrusted to our care. Meaning, we have the responsibility to take care of all His creations, and that include animals.

I've seen cats being thrown whatever just because they were there. I've seen dogs being slaughtered because some drunkards do not have something to eat during their drinking session. I've seen dogs tied outside the house during heavy rains. I've seen coaches indifferently hitting the dead-tired horses pulling their carriages just because they're not moving fast enough. I've seen carabaos pulling a freaking house; puppies in cages carried by their sellers like they won't get dizzy; and many others. 

During those times, I can't help but curse myself for being so weak. All I could stand up for was the cat thrown whatever. And doing so didn't even make sense because I wasn't able to stop the people doing so. 

And you know what hurts more? It's not the fact that these animals are powerless. It's the fact that they still try to find affection, love and care from people, despite the harsh treatments. They go back to people who abuse them not because they have nowhere else to go, but because it's their nature to be loyal to their masters. Funny, right? Animals are sometimes more human than humans. Sometimes, I wish we would all switch positions.

Sigh.
Maybe I'm just soft-hearted towards the weak. 
Maybe, I just understand that how we treat animals defines who we are as a person.
Or maybe, I'm both.



"Not to hurt the creatures brethren is our first duty to them, but to stop there is not enough.
We have a higher mission - to be of service to them wherever they require it."
- St. Francis of Assisi












The Article about Animals I've Long Wanted to Write.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Sooooo I've gone back to dieting. After going through limitless stress due to the church events and projects we did in the past few months, I gained back the pounds I lost and it even increased so I'm feeling a little depressed because of it right now, because dude, that's another hell to go through. :/

The motivation is the problem but I have decided to start again today. I got an oatmeal cookie for breakfast, a cup of rice and a few grams of boiled fish for lunch, and nothing for dinner. Although I ate spaghetti for snacks so I guess I've gone beyond the prescribed calorie intake today and that means, I failed the first day. LOL

But at least, I have started again, right?

In everything, starting is always the most difficult part. To convince yourself to do something you're never comfortable with is always so painstaking and annoying, but you just got to go on with it. Because once you've passed that stage, the succeeding challenges will be easier. Still challenging, but easier.

To keep me focused, there's only one thing I instilled in my mind: When you feel like you just want to give up, remember why you started. That's from Kai of EXO and it's just the best thing to think of whenever I feel like cheating on this diet and you know, giving up.

But why did I start?

Because I want to look good and feel good. I have nothing against people who promote the ideal that we are beautiful no matter how our bodies look like. I support that. But the problem is, I am not comfortable with this type of body. I am not really this fat. I have lived for a long time wearing what I want, showing skin, being myself. I hate it that I am no longer who I am before because I am fat. Although social acceptance does play a significant part, it's more of a self-issue which I want to resolve.

I am going on a diet because I'm no longer healthy. I cannot function properly. I can't even dance, for God's sake. Half of my clumsiness can be attributed to the fact that I can't carry myself well because of my weight. I am freaking 165 pounds, and I'm just 5'5, so that's clearly overweight.

And I hate it.

Being this fat made me lose my self-confidence and I want to gain that back by going on a diet. Although the definition of beauty shouldn't be based on how you look physically, it is a great contributing factor and so I need to work on that. People don't immediately judge your qualities because that's not always readily available for them to see. They depend on their first impression which is greatly dependent on how I look. Remember, people don't explore what they don't find attractive. And me being fat - having all my confidence taken away - is certainly not.

Shallow reason? No, I don't think so. It's just a matter of preferences. I want to pave way to my self-expression through clothes. I want to be noticed too. I want to be called 'beautiful' again. It's not because I long for social approval. It's because I want to earn the approval of my own self.

So let's go back to dieting. :) Wish me luck!

Back to the Game

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The year 2014 was supposed to be fun, exciting,  interesting and all. And actually, it is. However, it leans more to the interesting side because this year seems like a healing year to me. Yes,  healing. It feels like God had decided to recreate me and I haven't got a choice but to concede.

Kris and Luhan left EXO. Baekhyun announced his relationship. I lost my job on my birthday. Now, sungmin is getting married.

More than seeing these things in a negative light, I have come to realize that this is His way of cleaning me, of preparing me for what is about to come. I feel like He took away these things because He wanted my hands emptied so I could receive more.

If that won't console anyone, I don't know what would.

It hurts being away from the things you're used to. The job that fed my family and supplied our financial need and the inspirations that keep me going on with life - when I lost them all, I felt like giving up. I cried. I bawled. I got into depression.

But I have learned to trust God more and more. Now, I have understood the importance of other things than the ones I lost. Now, I have realized that happiness does not rely on my choices but God's for me.

2014 is yet to end...  Sigh.

God's Plans...

Saturday, October 11, 2014

I was asked this typical question this evening by a young friend. While my other friends were probably trying to come up with a good answer, I immediately replied it's a mere illusion. They cursed at me for not believing on it - throwing their replies which basically goes around the idea of it being forever. I smirked. It isn't eternal.

Many people are blinded by the idea of love lasting until the end of time when clearly, no human being is capable of giving that much. Only God can reward us with such gift. Love, like any other human emotions, fade. It's not permanent. At one point, two people in love will fall out of it and will go back to being platonic.

But you know what works? Faith and respect.

When you have faith on one person, you respect him/her. When you have respect, you believe in him. When you have faith and respect towards someone, it means you love that person. I really believe it's automatic. And that alone assures eternity. That alone assures forever.

I know I'm not a guru to say this. I'm just a mere 25-year-old woman who had a lot of experiences already when it comes to this field. Of course, I still need to know more. But right now, I am very firm on this.

We tend to worship the idea of love from other people. We tend to believe that it is more than it actually is. Love is love, and it is important; but without faith and respect, what exactly is it? Believe me, it's just a sum. Just a mere answer to an equation. It is just an illusion people create to have a strong excuse for (sometimes) feeling the strongest emotions - or having the most stupid ideas.

Am I making sense?


What is Love?

Monday, October 6, 2014

For the past three months, I've been working my ass off without stopping - in hope to find a good way to find sustaining finances, after being terminated from C&E Holidays without warnings on my birthday. In order to earn, I've decided to push through with all types of part time jobs and businesses, where I was required to eat my pride and instill in my mind that at this moment, this is just what I am.

I don't want to complain. I should not complain. But I need to admit and express that at the end of each day, I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm barely breathing. And I don't know if I can pretend to be alright and strong in the next few weeks.

I need a break, but for someone like me, I cannot afford that.


To be honest, I could have taken everything lightly; but it's just so disappointing and frustrating to realize that most times, I work for nothing. No, exclude the church works. I'm happy with that. This is from another thing which I thought was actually the best thing that happened to me ever since I was shamelessly ejected from my former Singapore travel agency company.

It's just that I feel so small. What was supposedly something big for everyone had reduced me into a tiny fragment I cannot distinguish. Who am I? What am I here?

Sigh.

Maybe I just didn't expect myself to be shouted at and blamed. And I especially didn't expect anyone to hung the phone on me when I'm not yet done talking.



And Tears Came Falling...

When fear overpowers the will to do something, it's either you succumb or you fight back.

I am in a crossroad right now. I do feel both: the desire and fear. But in a way, reality's leaning towards the second option more. I haven't gotten over the past, after all.

And the result?

I currently feel numb.

Numb

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


I know. There are some people who think that volunteering in the church is a light form of service. Many assume that since we're in the church and this is the House of God, filled with blessings and all, there's no stress and pressure in there. 

Twelve years ago, that was what I thought. Twelve years after, I realized it was completely the opposite.

Volunteering in the church requires one to know how to multi-task. There is not much people who would render their time and effort to something that won't pay them at all, let's face it. So it takes a whole lot of deal on knowing a lot of things to be fully effective in this kind of service. Of course, there's no preferences. Anyone can offer something they can do, but it's just good to know a lot of things.

Because serving in the church is a daunting task that most times, I need to stay up late to finish designs for tarpaulins which will be printed the next day. Sometimes, I even had to rush myself to come up with something within 15 minutes to beat the deadline. There are also moments when I have to cancel getaways and trips just to fulfill my responsibilities.

Talking with my friends, we often pull all-nighters just to prepare for big events - which are often planned and finalized a few days earlier. We're used to cramming and rush though, but still, not everyone can handle that, right? Also, we tend to release a lot of money while volunteering. When things have to be completed and we're short with money, funds come from our personal pockets. 

Now who said being a church volunteer is easy?

This is not - in any way - belittling the other forms of church volunteering. It's just that we have to clear the assumptions that people in the church are just laid back because money keeps pouring in from the donations and what-nots. It's not like that. 

To those asking why we're doing this, I can provide you with my own personal thoughts: We're doing this because we want to. This is our form of sacrifice, penitence, and compromise with God. We do this because we want to be forgiven, because we want to ask for something. Religious life, after all, applies the give-and-take principle after all. God surely can give us everything, but decent human beings know that we need to give God everything as well. 

Furthermore, serving in the church paves way to real friendship and family. Working in the parish and dedicating my time to my responsibilities allowed me to meet beautiful and wonderful people who are now huge parts of my religious life. And I'm just so thankful. Very thankful.

Who Said Serving the Church is Easy?

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