Turning My Safety On

It's ironically amazing how one mistake can lead me to this ugly situation. The whole night, I contemplated on what I have seen and what my heart made me feel; and tears just ran down my cheeks for the first time in months. I never expected that though. I thought all this time, I'm already okay and that I can handle everything well; but I guess that's just not the case. I'm still caught in this see-through titanium box of unrequited love and it's locked from outside so I'm trapped.

My heart reacted to pain involuntarily and now it's happening. The walls I tried to destruct are building up again on its own and more than ever, I'm scared. My safety switch is being turned on slowly without my consent and I'm nervous that it will lead me to the person I once was.

If this happened a few months back, I wouldn't have cared. But I've learned the enjoyed the freedom of feeling so open, of feeling so vulnerable to positive changes. I have enjoyed the life I lived outside the box, thinking that I was finally out of it; only to find out that I was just being fooled. I never got out. I never was freed. I had always been here all along, and I couldn't escape.

I hate it. I really hate it. But more than anything, I hate myself. I couldn't find my way out. I couldn't help the pathetic person that I am. And it hurts. A lot. Because for the nth time, it was shoved to my face how I could never ever get what I want. I will just have a taste of it, to tease me, to excite me, to make me believe that I could fly only to let me drop face-first on the ground. No one cares. No one appreciates. No one dares to love.

I'm a pathetic excuse for a woman, I've known that for a while. I can never be someone they want. And my heart knows it could only take so much. This has been going on for  years now, and I don't think it's healthy anymore. I might fool others, but how can I ever fool myself? I'm not okay. I'm not fucking okay. I just want to disappear in this world because I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I have nothing good to offer that would make people stay with me, that would make people want me the way I wanted. In every relationship, it's always me who's got to exert effort for things to work. No one will exert effort to be with me, because no one likes me.

I'm tired of being always left out. I'm tired of always being the first one to be set aside. I'm tired of never being the priority. And I think my heart knows that. My heart understands that so well that's why it's saving me from further pain.

I can't blame it. After all, the only one who cares for my well-being is myself.