Back to the Game

Sooooo I've gone back to dieting. After going through limitless stress due to the church events and projects we did in the past few months, I gained back the pounds I lost and it even increased so I'm feeling a little depressed because of it right now, because dude, that's another hell to go through. :/

The motivation is the problem but I have decided to start again today. I got an oatmeal cookie for breakfast, a cup of rice and a few grams of boiled fish for lunch, and nothing for dinner. Although I ate spaghetti for snacks so I guess I've gone beyond the prescribed calorie intake today and that means, I failed the first day. LOL

But at least, I have started again, right?

In everything, starting is always the most difficult part. To convince yourself to do something you're never comfortable with is always so painstaking and annoying, but you just got to go on with it. Because once you've passed that stage, the succeeding challenges will be easier. Still challenging, but easier.

To keep me focused, there's only one thing I instilled in my mind: When you feel like you just want to give up, remember why you started. That's from Kai of EXO and it's just the best thing to think of whenever I feel like cheating on this diet and you know, giving up.

But why did I start?

Because I want to look good and feel good. I have nothing against people who promote the ideal that we are beautiful no matter how our bodies look like. I support that. But the problem is, I am not comfortable with this type of body. I am not really this fat. I have lived for a long time wearing what I want, showing skin, being myself. I hate it that I am no longer who I am before because I am fat. Although social acceptance does play a significant part, it's more of a self-issue which I want to resolve.

I am going on a diet because I'm no longer healthy. I cannot function properly. I can't even dance, for God's sake. Half of my clumsiness can be attributed to the fact that I can't carry myself well because of my weight. I am freaking 165 pounds, and I'm just 5'5, so that's clearly overweight.

And I hate it.

Being this fat made me lose my self-confidence and I want to gain that back by going on a diet. Although the definition of beauty shouldn't be based on how you look physically, it is a great contributing factor and so I need to work on that. People don't immediately judge your qualities because that's not always readily available for them to see. They depend on their first impression which is greatly dependent on how I look. Remember, people don't explore what they don't find attractive. And me being fat - having all my confidence taken away - is certainly not.

Shallow reason? No, I don't think so. It's just a matter of preferences. I want to pave way to my self-expression through clothes. I want to be noticed too. I want to be called 'beautiful' again. It's not because I long for social approval. It's because I want to earn the approval of my own self.

So let's go back to dieting. :) Wish me luck!