First Time Revealing These Thoughts

A lot of people think I'm just making excuses. They think I'm just making it all up to get attention, to escape responsibilities. But that's not the case. Whatever I'm whining about are all real. Whenever I say that my head aches or my body's faint or I'm in no condition to do something, they would just scoff and still force me to do what has to be done - simply because they don't believe that I am capable of feeling those.

I guess I've been too strong in the past that now, nobody would bother to believe that in actuality, I'm not.

Let's be truthful here. In the past, it's easy for me to deal with things like this. The pressure was nothing to me, albeit the rounds of bullying I had to go through. But after the accident where I almost died, things changed. I don't want to believe this but something had gone wrong inside my head that slowed down my comprehension. Remembering things has also become a problem to me that I wasn't even able to remember that it was my birthday until there's only three days left. Plus, it always hurt and I'm guessing it's because of the hard bump on the concrete floor when I fell down - head first.

Wow, it's the first time I'm discussing this on public. I've never admitted that there is something wrong in me for the fear that no one would believe. And judging from what's currently happening in my life right now, I think I made the right decision.

Because of these things, I found myself in total depression. And now, I understood why people should really take it seriously. Depression is not a choice, although getting out of it is. But no one just can't say no to depression - it's just about how you fight it.

I know I can defy it. But as I've proven recently, it's tough. Depression makes me think a lot of things I wouldn't have normally paid attention to if I'm feeling okay. I fear like I'm getting schizophrenic or something. When I was in Tagaytay, I was feeling suicidal. Images of me jumping off the nearby cliff or maybe slitting my wrist with anything sharp popped into my head and that's what scared me the most. But of course, people brushed it off as mere kaartehan because they think I was just afraid of ghosts. (Although yes, I chose to let them believe that way).

Fuck knows how much I'm suffering too. Right now, I just wanna die for being so mindless, inefficient and totally useless. I am always put on the wrong because of this and the saddest thing was I couldn't retaliate. I have no right to retaliate because I'm a decaying whatever. I have lost purpose and I just want to die.

God. If someone pays attention to what I want to say. If people accepts the reason why I AM NOT BEING EFFICIENT. If people could only understand that not all people are strong enough as others are merely works in progress... If people could only accept that depression is a serious state of mind and is not something to laugh about.